Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Atlantic Monthly ^ | March 2008 | Lori Gottlieb

[reaganaut1]

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.

“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

[Fawn]

Just out of curiosity...how old are the woman you date?

[Tax-chick]

Pat yourself on the back, you are the only one who got it.

I'll happily pat myself on the back, but I think others are making similar points from slightly different approaches. TalonDJ was talking about being a good, productive, and fulfilled single person, and thereby being ready to be part of a good, productive, and fulfilled married couple.

In the case of Der Prinz and myself, we had the potential to be Right People, and fortunately had the motivation to work at it. From where we started, our marriage could just as easily have turned out badly.

[najida]

I think the problem is sometimes you slam into the biggest yet most fragile thing on a man....his ego.

Many women do try to communicate, but they find that they aren’t heard or he gets defensive. Or worse, they insist that it’s her fault and what he’s doing is pefectly OK.

So everytime I read a man complaining about his wife not wanting sex with him, I wonder if I’ve chatted with her on another board about how she quit trying to pretend it was good when it wasn’t.

[TalonDJ]

The trick is they aren’t ‘WOMEN MUST SUBMIT’ jerks but simply men who love their women and care fo them.

Now see here, this is a very key distinction you just made. The thing is, and I have noticed this in years of observation, the nice and sensitive and caring guys BOUGHT INTO the feminist tripe they heard and got less assertive. They were the ones that might have done it right. The ones that did not buy into it and stayed assertive and aggressive with 'romance' were the jerks and SOBs.

[najida]

?????

There is a difference between being strong and caring and a jerk.

Most women can spot that.

[TalonDJ]

Marry the person you could not spend the rest of your life WITHOUT

Not sure I agree since I did not do that. Getting married at almost 30 means I had learned to live without anyone and just chose not to.

[Tax-chick]

If you have to change your whole life and everything you do in order to be married then you are not likely to be happy.

Very good point! I've often wondered why a person would get married, if he believes that's going to require his abandoning the most important things in his life (going out to bars, watching TV all the time, and driving too fast in impractical cars.) It could just be an act, I suppose, but then it's a counterproductive one.

[TalonDJ]

Ok, I bow to your expertise on this since I have no knowledge of it whatsoever ;-D

[Nonstatist]

To achieve that goal, women across the country are poring over guidebooks that all boil down to determining, “Does he like me?,” while completely overlooking the equally essential question, “Do I like him?”

While the man generally asks, " Will she get fat?" ?

[rintense]

Well, I’m a pretty traditional gal when it comes to dating, romance, chivalry, etc. (which really surprises a lot of my friends because they assume outgoing = slutty). HA!

[JenB]

Yup, I didn’t give up anything I liked doing (I did move eight hundred miles but that’s not that big a deal) when we got married. I added a few hobbies though! I do a little less reading and a little more gaming these days.

Talon gets some very jealous remarks sometimes when we are gaming or with geeky friends who had to give up their hobbies because their girl didn’t like them.

[TalonDJ]

You have to continue to grow and be worthy of it. Love is a decision you have to make all over again each morning - but nobody wants to accept that.

Yup. Personally I think I am a pretty crappy husband. But I do try to be better.

[TalonDJ]

Oh certainly they can. I was pointing out that many of the guys that WOULD have turned into something closer to what is in those books and not jerks were the ones nice enough (and gullible enough) to buy the propaganda and become even less assertive. So most of that type are jerks instead of what you read about. Does that make sense? I am agreeing with you.

[Crolis]

Good point...I noticed in the article that everything had to be cast against a fictional TV show character.

It’s one of the reasons I quit watching Friends after about 3 or 4 episodes. Watching people who are supposed to be adults go through their lives seemingly unable to reason their way out of simple issues just wasn’t funny. For the most part the characters are boring and immature.

As a result, I don’t really watch much TV anymore.

[najida]

We’re on the same page. That’s why I get a howl on the boards when discussions turn political.

So many of them are libs, super libs...

HOWEVER, their dirty little secret is them men they write and read about are super-duper conservative dominant types. One author even wrote as a descriptor of the hero “Why, he’s even a Republican!”

Which oddly, was a way of pointing out his extremely protective tendencies!

[LukeL]

Agreed, while I am only 23 I could care less about the status of someone. As long as we have shared values and get along I would be happy, be it with a doctor or the doctor’s secertary

[Hildy]

And now that you’re not worrying about it..I guarantee you’ll meet the right person.

[TalonDJ]

I agree in principle since guys do just those things. But communication is two way. If she had not been pretending it was good for so long he would not be confused. Guys find what ‘works’ (in many aspects of life) and stick with it. If it is not actually working and she is just not saying so then they get really confused when she finally does. And it is a two way street. If something is not working for her it might not be some he is doing ‘wrong’. She just needs to communicate her needs in a way that is not ‘this is all your fault.’
Yeah the guy probably is doing something he needs to change and he needs to hold up his end of 'communication'. But it takes two attitudes and actions to mess up a relationship and people can only change their own. If the woman has a problem with things then the ball is in her court to try and fix it. Both sexes usually just need to realize the other person is more different than themselves than they probably thing. Yup, guys have a fragile ego. Fragile to the manipulations of a a woman at least. Hence it is a great responsibility for her to manipulate it so she needs to take care. Just because guys don't go around preaching 'sensitivity' does not mean they are not actually very sensitive. They are, just not in the same ways women are. Those difference are neither good nor bad nor anyones fault. They just are and have to be dealt with. Years of 'equality' and such have made it harder for men and woman to relate because they expect them to have similar motives and reasoning. They don't and people get burned.

[driftdiver]

“Go through that, and if you survive whole, you’ll swear never to risk inflicting on your own child what was inflicted upon you.”

I went through that as a kid. For me it made me realize how precious a good family was and work harder for it. I’ve also been blessed with a great wife.

[TalonDJ]

“Why, he’s even a Republican!”

Which oddly, was a way of pointing out his extremely protective tendencies!

Heh. Oh the delicious irony!