Posted on 08/28/2006 4:09:24 AM PDT by RobFromGa
Dear Rob,
"Cheated" twice with a couple beers a couple times over the last couple days, though, nominally, it'll be three weeks "clean" on Tuesday. This adds to guilt, but is the only way I can get myself relaxed enough to keep from bawling out of extremely-uncool and undeserved self-pity.
I'm under great medical observation, and a crapload of antidepressants [x,y, and z].
Tell me, Rob, what it is I'm recovering "from" and why, since this world is such a [messed up] place? When I was a drunk, sure, I'd be moody in the mornings, productive at work (and I NEVER drank during the day), and everyone's friend once I got home. Now it's just constant depression and having to face a [messed] up world (with way too many liberals in it .
I'm a very proud, spiritual Christian, but I'm even too ashamed to pray, at least at length, since both He and I know that I am the problem.
The real abstraction here is if this horrid beautiful watery place is better with or without my presence. That last sentence isn't a "cry for help - please hug me I'm hurting, Oprah" throwaway - it's a serious question about which me is better: the happy, intoxicated, likely-to-be-shorter-lived friend of everyone, or the stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober me who no one will ever trust again since he had such "deep issues".
What I need is reason/cognition/rationalization, and maybe I'll increase my [x] or extend it for a couple more weeks.
You're an Internet pal, trustworthy by sheer virtue of being a Conservative, and, your advice and wisdom is easier to follow exactly because I do NOT know you personally.
If you don't mind redacting my screenname, feel free to poll/ping the Recovery List. I'll "come out" when I'm ready, I promise.
God Bless You and have a great week,
Thanks Quix. The kind words and prayers from Freepers, both on the thread and privately e-mailed, have really been a comfort.
Steve
Thanks for saying so.
Some weeks . . . I'm so eager to graduate to The Lord's more overt Presence and life eternal, myself.
Nevertheless . . . our task is to soldier on, it seems!
What a state the USA would be in without us above average conservative type folks! LOL.
Dear Recovering FReeper FRiend,
What I said in post # 252 still stands.
Blessings,
jm
I've read through a few of the other posts, too - it's quite a thread! - so many testimonies of broken hearts and lives and yet of overcoming and being carried through! - and there doesn't seem to me to be anything to add, anything that was left out...
...except this! (;
Dear Steve,
God bless you.
Hugs and tears.
.30
You're a true FRiend. God bless the work of your hands.
Amen! What a lovely powerful prayer. I join you in it.
Hugs, Steve. I really mean that. Hugs.
Fellow Freeper,
Prayers to him as he continues the struggle. Get a sponsor ASAP and some AA meetings. This is a very hard habit to kick and all the support possible is needed. The best thing is NOT to be alone until he gets a handle on this. Make sure that he is not over medicating and for goodness sakes watch the mixing of alcohol and medicine use. Best of luck. He is on my prayers list.
I'm not sure I totally understand this question, but I'm going to try and tell you my feelings. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. I dearly love him and I have tears in my eyes right now thinking of him and the struggles he goes through every day.
When he is intoxicated he is happy, funny and desensitized to the pain. He is also desensitized to the pain of the people around him. He doesn't see the worry in my eyes or sense the pain I feel for him as I watch him drink his life away. I watched an uncle die before my eyes in a haze of alcohol and now I'm watching my dear brother die before my eyes and I'm helpless to stop it.
Would I rather have a medicated, depressed sober brother? In a heartbeat, I scream, "YES!" As long as he is sober there is hope that he will find the way out of his pain alive. And you know, rationally I know there is nothing I can do or say to reach him, but if he dies due to an alcohol related accident or condition, I'll probably spend the rest of my life feeling depressed and guilty that I couldn't find the words to reach him and prevent it.
Sorry to hear about your brother. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? There are many there going through exactly what you describe.
Blessings to you and your brother too,
jm
Thanks tons Dear Heart.
You humble me with sweet tears. Thanks so much.
Of course, the analysis on the source of the perspective is abundantly correct. LOL.
And, yes, laughter . . . interestingly . . . tends to be a fruit of many fiery furnaces . . . at least those survived on God's side!
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
He IS the author and finisher of our faith and of us.
If we can't hold on, then let go--abandon--fall into His hands utterly helplessly. He IS there and will catch us.
Sometimes it seems like He catches us in a smelly muck when we'd have chosen perfumed hay or downy comforters. But if so, it's because for us at that moment, the smelly muck is HIS PERFECT LOVE to us.
And, I don't think it even matters a lot of the time whether we have "earned" the muck with disobedience and it's just reaping what's been sown . . . or if it's a natural outgrowth of someone else's rebellion we got too close to or were just part of that person's network so shared in the reaping.
IF God allows us to touch something . . . HE WILL USE IT FOR OUR GOOD because it is His Glory to do so and He loves those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
I'm learning--still seemingly millions of miles to go--that when the 'catch basin' is smelly muck . . . to consider . . . the flowers the muck will serve must be beautiful indeed.
You are a deep treasure to me, too, Dear Heart. Your deeply felt; deeply discerning; deep caring and faithfulness to the Love and Priorities of Our Lord are a continual encouragement to me hereon.
And, your words today have been a much needed encouragement and affirmation to me. My step-dad is rather disparaging of my time on the computer. It's just a bias from an old farmer. He can play hours of solitaire quite comfortably. And I've mentioned the impact of my hours on the computer--which--had he deeper knowledge, he'd greatly thrill at and support. But, it doesn't compute for him and is not likely to in this life. That's deeply sad, to me.
So, your words have been a balm in Gilead and I thank you more than words can express.
I might try tongues but I don't think my fingers do tongues very well. LOL.
LUB,
LUB,
LUB,
Funny! Ah yes, laughter, a very necessary ingredient, food for the spirit and eases the burden. ..most pointedly, when I can laugh at myself.. deflates the ego to proper size and I'm no longer the center of the universe.
A most spiritual thread..
God Bless ..all
It is a good thing that you can see this thing in the abstract- That means you are thoughtful and are capable of reason.
That you are ashamed before God is understandable, but irrational, and the first proof that you are not seeing clearly. Is there any sin that is not covered by the blood of Christ? You diminish your Lord and King by such words. His blood covers your shame, and His stripes make you whole. Lay that burden down, for you need God now more than ever.
Beyond that, the answer is simple to say, though very hard to do:
It is a matter of reality. The lifestyle you have been leading was not (and therefore, is not) sustainable. That much you must accept as fact. The proof of that fact IS your current circumstance. Welcome back to reality.
Now that you have returned to reality, and as you know and admit your error, you must also know that there is a price to pay for your folly. It is very important to understand that price.
You stand here now naked in your sin, bitter and without honor. You can see little beyond the darkness of your shame. That is not the price. That is the consequence of your actions. The price that is demanded of you by God and those that love you is that you restore your honor.
Restore yourself to righteousness. That is the only path, for all other paths lead to your death, leaving the stain of your shame upon those you love. Your first act of restoration will be to vow that you will not die in your sins (God willing). That you will live to correct your errors as best as you can to restore yourself, and therefore your family back to honor and dignity.
The journey you are beginning is long and awful, God will pass you though this fire, as He does with all He loves. When you finally emerge, know that he will have made you a new creation- painfully raw, emotionally spent, but new, and tempered, and clean.
If there is any consolation FRiend, though you must walk the path alone, you are not alone. Many of us have tread that path before you and have come to realize the reward...Reality...Real feelings, Real friends, Real love, REAL LIFE.
I too, felt there was no way back, that there was no way to fix what I had done... I call to you, brother, from the other end of that path. I made it through, so you can too. There is plenty, and goodness, and joy in my life. It is waiting there for you as well. The first step is always the hardest.
the 11th commandment...... don't sweat the small stuff.
G-d has something good in store for you. It will be sublime and beautiful and worth all this [poop] you are going through now.
If you do not choose Life, you will miss this wonderful thing. Right now is just an obstacle on the path. Right now is TEMPORARY.
You WILL feel better. You will even feel GOOD and GREAT. Hang in there.
Thanks .30, I really appreciate it. The kindness of Freepers has been overwhelming.
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