Posted on 07/22/2006 6:03:00 PM PDT by NYer
PISCATAWAY, New Jersey, JULY 22, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Life without children is a growing social reality for an increasing number of American adults.
This is the conclusion of the 2006 edition of "The State of Our Unions" report on marriage, released last week by the National Marriage Project. The project is based at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.
Up until recently, for most people, the greater part of adult life was spent with young children forming part of the household. A combination of marrying later, less children and longer life expectancy means, however, that a significantly greater part of adult life is spent without kids being in the house.
The report, titled "Life Without Children," was authored by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe. They start by noting how many recent publications complain of the difficulties in raising children. Many surveys also show that parents report lower levels of happiness compared to non-parents. In fact, an increasing number of married couples now see children as an obstacle to their marital happiness.
This isn't to say that children are rejected by the majority of couples. Nevertheless, there is a growing feeling of trepidation about taking on the responsibilities of parenthood. Of course, bringing up kids has never been easy, but there are good reasons why a growing number of parents are feeling increased pressures, the report explains.
A weakening of marriage bonds contributes to the difficulties of having children. Cohabiting women, the report explains, may postpone childbearing until they have a better sense of the long-term future of the relationship. If they wait too long, however, this places them at risk for never having children. Being in an unhappy marriage is another source of uncertainty. Couples who are worried about getting divorced are the most likely to remain childless.
Changing families
Citing Census Bureau reports, Whitehead and Popenoe lay out just how much family structures have changed.
-- In 1970 the median age of first marriage for women was just under 21years-old. The age of first marriage has now risen to just short of 26. Women who have a four-year college degree marry at an even later age.
-- In 1970, 73.6% of women, ages 25-29, had already entered their child-rearing years and were living with at least one minor child of their own. By 2000, this share dropped to 48.7%. For men in the same age bracket in 1970, 57.3% lived with their own children in the household. In 2000 this had plummeted to 28.8%.
-- In 1960, 71% of married women had their first child within the first 3 years of marriage. By 1990, this almost halved, to 37%. So after getting married, couples now experience a greater number of child-free years.
-- In 1970, 27.4% of women and 39.5% of men, ages 50-54, had at least one minor child of their own in the household. By 2000, the shares had fallen to 15.4% and 24.7%, respectively.
-- In addition, a growing number of women are not having any children. In 2004, almost one out of five women in their early forties was childless. In 1976, it was only one out of ten.
-- The proportion of households with children has declined from half of all households in 1960 to less than one-third today -- the lowest in America's history.
In general, then, a few decades ago life before children was brief, with little time between the end of schooling and the beginning of marriage and family life. Life after children was also reduced, with few years left before the end of work and the beginning of old age.
Less fun
Contemporary culture has quickly reflected the changes in family life, the report observes. It is increasingly common to find the years spent raising children portrayed as being less satisfying compared to the years before and after.
Adult life without children is depicted as having positive meaning and purpose, and as being full of fun and freedom. Life with children, by contrast, is seen as full of pressures and responsibilities.
In general, life without children is characterized by a focus on the self. "Indeed, the cultural injunction for the childless young and the child-free old is to 'take care of yourself,'" the report comments.
The years spent bringing up children is just the opposite. Being a parent means focusing on those who are dependent and subordinating adult needs to the requirements of the children.
By way of compensation traditional culture normally celebrated the work and sacrifice of parents, but this has now changed. Increasingly, the popular image of parents is a negative one. The new stereotypes range from the hyper-competitive sports parents who scream at their own kids, to those who ignore the problems their undisciplined children cause for others in public places.
The latest variant are the so-called "helicopter parents," who get their name from the way they supposedly hover over their children and swoop down to rescue them from any negative consequences of their behavior.
Television programs have long made fun of fathers, notes the report. More recently mothers are also being shown as unfit, unable to carry out their responsibilities without the help of a nanny, or as being over-indulgent and negligent.
By contrast a number of the most popular television shows in America in recent years, such as "Friends" and "Sex and the City," celebrated the glamorous life of young urban singles.
Bias against children
What does this portend for the future, the report asks. For a start, less political support for families. In the last presidential election, parents made up slightly less than 40% of the electorate. Less votes translates into less support for funding of schools and youth activities. Already a number of communities across the nation are trying to hold down property taxes by restricting the construction of affordable single family housing.
In cultural terms the bias against children is likely to grow. Entertainment and pastimes for adults -- gambling, pornography and sex -- is one of the fastest growing and most lucrative, and exciting, sectors of the economy.
By contrast, being a devoted parent is increasingly subject to a ruthless debunking, the report notes. In fact, the task of being a mother is now seen by a growing number as being unworthy of an educated women's time and talents. So the more staid values supportive of raising children -- sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity -- will receive less attention.
"It is hard enough to rear children in a society that is organized to support that essential social task," the report observes. "Consider how much more difficult it becomes when a society is indifferent at best, and hostile, at worst, to those who are caring for the next generation," it concludes.
The family, "founded on indissoluble marriage between a man and a woman," is where men and women "are enabled to be born with dignity, and to grow and develop in an integral manner," explained the Pope in his homily concluding the World Meeting of Families in Valencia, Spain, on July 9.
"The joyful love with which our parents welcomed us and accompanied our first steps in this world is like a sacramental sign and prolongation of the benevolent love of God from which we have come," he noted.
This experience of being welcomed and loved by God and by our parents, explained Benedict XVI, "is always the firm foundation for authentic human growth and authentic development, helping us to mature on the way towards truth and love, and to move beyond ourselves in order to enter into communion with others and with God." A foundation that is increasingly being undermined in today's society.
As you probably have noticed, I'm not shy in telling people how I feel. I'm seriously considering taking him aside and saying something. My husband doesn't want me to. I feel so sorry for the woman, but she's obviously come to terms with it...I don't know. It makes me sad. In my wildest imagination, I could never imagine being married to a man who would insult and hurt me so much in front of other people.
Those parents need to read "How To Train Up A Child" by M. Pearl.
Please note that I did not suggest that others do what I did.
I think you should invest in some psychoanalysis to see why you habitually CHOOSE crazy women to be with.
My wife knows her place...she runs everything including me!
That is a good one! You will be having a great time at 90 until the gun goes off, but you gotta go some way and heck I have heard of worse ways of going. I hope he at least waits until you are done. lol.
Re your post 144, you (like "television is just wrong") touched on yet another one of my reasons for not having children. I grew up in a family similar I think to the one you were subjected to. It was a day-to-day hell.
Sometimes it's just ...I don't know what to call it, but a kind of humor or private joke between them. They really aren't putting each other down but playing. Other times it is just meanness. You are right though. Women should be respectful (maybe not the best choice of word) to their husbands also. You have to go back to where was this behavior learned though. Little kids learn by example at home.
Just that people that choose to remain childless should not expect people who disagree with that choice to pat them on the back and tell them it's fine.
In the case I described, it's just meanness. She has confided in me that it's been a problem their whole marriage....actually breaking them up for awhile. (their in there mid 50's.) That's what makes it even more uncomfortable for all around. She always looks like she's going to cry...and I think he enjoys hurting her. It's making my husband not like him either. Individually, they're terrific...but together??? Sigh....
Why would anyone care if I have children or not? I'm serious. That's why I suspect there is deep resentment and envy for people who don't have children. I don't go around telling people they're wrong for having kids, why would anyone go out of their way to scold me for not having any?
That's sad.
Who's scolding you?
No one cares whether or not you, personally, have children. :-)
I was speaking to Linda_22003, I courtesy-pinged you because you were the subject of the exchange.
yes, it is.
Honestly, I can't imagine life without them and now that they are adults (23 and 24 years old), we find them to be the kind of people we want to be around.
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Are they adulst? If so you are truly blessed, I see a lot of thirty year old children these days.
I have no kids, but I do not think of it as an 'inadequacy.' Sirloin, I think you are too hard on yourself.
1. I'm a full time college teacher, 80 hours a week, and it's a big job in my view, to help really screwed-up immature high school & college kids develop some character and personal responsibility. I clean up what the parents, many of them with a few divorces under their belts, have done (or not done) for their children. If (my husband &) I had kids, it would be extremely time consuming to do well - and I could not help make a big dent in the problems of delinquency and irresponsibility I help to correct every year with hundredss of young people in their teens and twenties. So, I'm very happy with my decision. Much happier, than if I'd had 1 or 2 children. You can't do everything well (have kids, and work full time). You must make choices.
2. We have 6.5 Billion people on the planet and with that has come stressed economic resources, crowded schools, housing shortages. I think we have an implicit "no vacancy" sign out at the moment -- population growth is a serious matter which we should all think about seriously.
Those WITH kids, especially with more than 1 or 2, could be viewed as the "selfish ones" in this light. Just a few more kids REALLY puts demand pressure on housing, living costs, and etc. in any community. "Thanks," for that...
Unfortunately, we are all gonna die of something. I think we should enjoy life while we have it. We never know when our time is up.
It's funny, I have a story that's quite similar.
The next door neighbors of the house where I grew up were a childless couple. They both had their own careers, and they decided that they would rather each pursue their careers than have children.
Many years later, he died of cancer, and she was all alone. She lived all alone in that house for a few years until she got sick herself. As she was dying in the hospital, some people who identified themselves as her "cousins", showed up from across the country in an RV and started living in her house for about a week or so. My mother could never prove it, but she strongly suspected that they were pilfering her house of valuables.
On a brighter note; our neighbor and her husband were both atheists. On her deathbed, she converted to Catholicism. Her last request to my mother before she died was to get a statue of Our Lady and place it in her backyard.
I agree with you about society at large. However, when you see your children, stand up against the selfishness of the world, it is truly a site to behold!
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