Families Without Children - Report Reveals Changes in Attitudes Towards Kids

PISCATAWAY, New Jersey, JULY 22, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Life without children is a growing social reality for an increasing number of American adults.

This is the conclusion of the 2006 edition of "The State of Our Unions" report on marriage, released last week by the National Marriage Project. The project is based at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.

Up until recently, for most people, the greater part of adult life was spent with young children forming part of the household. A combination of marrying later, less children and longer life expectancy means, however, that a significantly greater part of adult life is spent without kids being in the house.

The report, titled "Life Without Children," was authored by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe. They start by noting how many recent publications complain of the difficulties in raising children. Many surveys also show that parents report lower levels of happiness compared to non-parents. In fact, an increasing number of married couples now see children as an obstacle to their marital happiness.

This isn't to say that children are rejected by the majority of couples. Nevertheless, there is a growing feeling of trepidation about taking on the responsibilities of parenthood. Of course, bringing up kids has never been easy, but there are good reasons why a growing number of parents are feeling increased pressures, the report explains.

A weakening of marriage bonds contributes to the difficulties of having children. Cohabiting women, the report explains, may postpone childbearing until they have a better sense of the long-term future of the relationship. If they wait too long, however, this places them at risk for never having children. Being in an unhappy marriage is another source of uncertainty. Couples who are worried about getting divorced are the most likely to remain childless.

Changing families

Citing Census Bureau reports, Whitehead and Popenoe lay out just how much family structures have changed.

-- In 1970 the median age of first marriage for women was just under 21years-old. The age of first marriage has now risen to just short of 26. Women who have a four-year college degree marry at an even later age.

-- In 1970, 73.6% of women, ages 25-29, had already entered their child-rearing years and were living with at least one minor child of their own. By 2000, this share dropped to 48.7%. For men in the same age bracket in 1970, 57.3% lived with their own children in the household. In 2000 this had plummeted to 28.8%.

-- In 1960, 71% of married women had their first child within the first 3 years of marriage. By 1990, this almost halved, to 37%. So after getting married, couples now experience a greater number of child-free years.

-- In 1970, 27.4% of women and 39.5% of men, ages 50-54, had at least one minor child of their own in the household. By 2000, the shares had fallen to 15.4% and 24.7%, respectively.

-- In addition, a growing number of women are not having any children. In 2004, almost one out of five women in their early forties was childless. In 1976, it was only one out of ten.

-- The proportion of households with children has declined from half of all households in 1960 to less than one-third today -- the lowest in America's history.

In general, then, a few decades ago life before children was brief, with little time between the end of schooling and the beginning of marriage and family life. Life after children was also reduced, with few years left before the end of work and the beginning of old age.

Less fun

Contemporary culture has quickly reflected the changes in family life, the report observes. It is increasingly common to find the years spent raising children portrayed as being less satisfying compared to the years before and after.

Adult life without children is depicted as having positive meaning and purpose, and as being full of fun and freedom. Life with children, by contrast, is seen as full of pressures and responsibilities.

In general, life without children is characterized by a focus on the self. "Indeed, the cultural injunction for the childless young and the child-free old is to 'take care of yourself,'" the report comments.

The years spent bringing up children is just the opposite. Being a parent means focusing on those who are dependent and subordinating adult needs to the requirements of the children.

By way of compensation traditional culture normally celebrated the work and sacrifice of parents, but this has now changed. Increasingly, the popular image of parents is a negative one. The new stereotypes range from the hyper-competitive sports parents who scream at their own kids, to those who ignore the problems their undisciplined children cause for others in public places.

The latest variant are the so-called "helicopter parents," who get their name from the way they supposedly hover over their children and swoop down to rescue them from any negative consequences of their behavior.

Television programs have long made fun of fathers, notes the report. More recently mothers are also being shown as unfit, unable to carry out their responsibilities without the help of a nanny, or as being over-indulgent and negligent.

By contrast a number of the most popular television shows in America in recent years, such as "Friends" and "Sex and the City," celebrated the glamorous life of young urban singles.

Bias against children

What does this portend for the future, the report asks. For a start, less political support for families. In the last presidential election, parents made up slightly less than 40% of the electorate. Less votes translates into less support for funding of schools and youth activities. Already a number of communities across the nation are trying to hold down property taxes by restricting the construction of affordable single family housing.

In cultural terms the bias against children is likely to grow. Entertainment and pastimes for adults -- gambling, pornography and sex -- is one of the fastest growing and most lucrative, and exciting, sectors of the economy.

By contrast, being a devoted parent is increasingly subject to a ruthless debunking, the report notes. In fact, the task of being a mother is now seen by a growing number as being unworthy of an educated women's time and talents. So the more staid values supportive of raising children -- sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity -- will receive less attention.

"It is hard enough to rear children in a society that is organized to support that essential social task," the report observes. "Consider how much more difficult it becomes when a society is indifferent at best, and hostile, at worst, to those who are caring for the next generation," it concludes.

The family, "founded on indissoluble marriage between a man and a woman," is where men and women "are enabled to be born with dignity, and to grow and develop in an integral manner," explained the Pope in his homily concluding the World Meeting of Families in Valencia, Spain, on July 9.

"The joyful love with which our parents welcomed us and accompanied our first steps in this world is like a sacramental sign and prolongation of the benevolent love of God from which we have come," he noted.

This experience of being welcomed and loved by God and by our parents, explained Benedict XVI, "is always the firm foundation for authentic human growth and authentic development, helping us to mature on the way towards truth and love, and to move beyond ourselves in order to enter into communion with others and with God." A foundation that is increasingly being undermined in today's society.

If it's true that we don't "own" our children ~ and I believe it is ~
then we can trust that their Owner will provide them and us with
all the right ideas we need to succeed.

We adore each other (usually!), and our children.

So glad we've stayed together.
It's been worth the sacrifices.

Our favorite joke:
A couple in their 90's walks into a law office, seeking a divorce.
The lawyer asks, why, after all this time?
They reply, "We've just been waiting for the kids to die."

Some people should never have children...like my parents.

I survived them somehow, and resolved never ever to hear myself say to a young human the things my parents said to me. I don't regret the decision, and don't feel anything is "missing" from my life.

As for myself, I cannot wait until the day when my husband and I can have children. We fit into the category of the couples that are married for a while before having kids. But we still do want children, just not until we get our lives to a more stable place.

Considering the price of housing and cost of living in the Bay Area generally, I wouldn't call it the most family-friendly place in the country.

re: I also know a couple with at least a dozen grandkids, most of whom seem to be a delight. Of course, I also know a lady with a son she would probably be better off without. A lot of it is in how you raise 'em.)))

Show a little pity. After all, these parents are at war against the world.

I'm fond of these non-parent couples, but I did chuckle when I spent a little time with one couple who were having trouble with one of their dogs being a little snappish to the wife, a dog who had "bonded" heavily with the husband. They sounded so much like parents struggling with a moody and intractable teenager playing one parent off against the other.

There are tradeoffs. Couples without children devote a lot of attention to the other--this is a nice thing to see. Sometimes couples with kids forget how to do that.

True, and also people had lots of kids because many more were likely to die as babies and children.

It was a world without antibiotics, only vague notions of hygiene, and an environment generally hostile to children. It wasn't like the TV show Little House on the Prairie where children only got blinded during "sweeps week," they were pretty much maimed and killed all year round.

"The family structure will need to change. The nuclear family can't be sustained for much longer by many, many people. Look for a return to multi-generational extended families."

I think you're right on that. The economic cost of starting a household is just too steep for young couples. It makes sense for other reasons as well; in-house care of children and elderly family members, shared values, etc.

Another not so positive trend (and I'm hardly in a position to criticize) is an increasing number of people simply deciding not to have children.

"Drop in at any large store, walk around and observe kids in or near the toy department or in the checkout lanes screaming, demanding, whining... What you see might well cause you to take an oath never to procreate!"

That's a good point. Y'know, it's like the old saying: we're all ambassadors. I do notice the incredible lack of discipline that parents exercise over their children. I can't say I'm "scared" of children as a result, but it does give you pause.

Then again, I also notice parents who do an incredibly good job with their kids. They keep them in line, don't let them run around like little savages, etc. Unfortunately, those parents do seem to be in the minority.

People just assume that it's just a "values issue," but that only takes it so far. It's also a question of making the most efficient use of resources -- personal resources, such as housing, money, time, etc.

Think of how people use the resources in an elevator. They will arrange themselves, without a plan, in a symmetrical fashion to create the most "personal space" in an environment with limited resources. Same holds true for families.

My first wife ballooned up to about 200 - no respect and I was embarressed to even go out in public with her.

Real Prince Charming, you are.

"I just don't believe we are getting low on kids. Go to any Walmart during the day. They are full of pregnant women , with usually one or two in the baskets."

What you're seeing is a subsection of the population. Wal-Mart has very low prices and thus tends to attract families of relatively modest means. A lot of people, myself included, don't shop at Wal-Mart much.

Also keep in mind that for the population to remain stable, not even to increase, each couple needs to have at least two children on average.

My first wife ballooned up to about 200 - no respect and I was embarressed to even go out in public with her.

A very common, though rarely stated, attitude by men. Women reflect on a man's worth. A beautiful woman is seen to be "worth more." This cuts right to the heart of the thing, so it's mostly avoided in polite conversation.

While most men will swear up and down that they will still love and find their wives attractive if they put on weight, the honesty of this comment holds true for very few men.

It depends on the individuals, but yeah. Also, aside from the whole "personal appeal" thing, over-weight folks are more or less viewed as "lower class." Weight issues, as they are called, imply lack of discipline, laziness and poor diet because of either lack of education or funds to purchase healthy foods.

Good point! Now that I think about it, childless couples can be an anal bunch. The woman across the street is anal about anyone on her lawn! I remember when my son was five, he went over to retrieve our young dog, who just got finished chasing a rabbit over there. She called me up, almost to the point of yelling, that I should know better than to let my kid in her yard! Needless to say we are not on speaking terms and haven't been for years and I don't want to tell you what the kids call her!

I can understand your feelings. But throughout history every generation has thought that it was the best there was, and that the world was going to go to heck after them. Somehow the world kept moving.

Kids are hard, and it takes patience and sacrifice to raise them. Many today do not have those qualities. Sounds like you both realize that you might not, and have chosen to not have kids.

I can't imagine anything worse in old age than to have no family. There was a woman in our area who lived to be well over 100. She had never married and was an only child. When asked about her life she candidly said that everyone she had ever been close to was long dead and she worried that no one would remember her when she was dead.

I don't know about only the poor shopping at Walmart. I often run into professionals there. (well not literally. That's the job of the unsupervised kids with baskets). I used to have to shop at Walmart. Now it's a choice:')

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