The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan

Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."

Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".

Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."

He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."

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My favorite parrot joke is a great one in that you wait to tell it during some evening then at the end of the night when the time is right its a killer punchline to repeat.
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Here it goes.

A man bought a beautiful German Sheppard pup at a local pet high end pet store. And since his purchase he would return to the store weekly to get his Eukanuba brand dog food.

As he walks in one week he notices a Parrot on a perch with a little chain fastened to his leg to keep it from flying off.

He walks by and reaches down to get a bag of food for his dog...and he hears "Hey....A$$hole."

Surprised he looks around. Thinking it was a slip of the tongue of someone else he reaches for the dog food again and hears "Hey A$$$$$hooool!"

Angered he gets his dog food and then leaves. The following week he is back as usual and the parrot does it again. Now furious he goes to the store owner and complains. "I am a good cutomer who bought a very expensive dog from you and I return faithfully to get dog food here only to be insulted by a vulgar Parrot with a filthy mouth. If you want my business it had better change"

With that, the store owner apologized several times, gave him a free weeks worth of dog food and pleaded with him to stay on as a customer.

Well as you have guessed he returned the next week for dog food. There was the Parrot on its perch. He kept steely eyed contact with the bird until passing it. He knelt down to get the dog food and heard "Hey you...." the man stood up just waiting to hear the rest and get the store owner. The Parrot finished "......you know!"

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I cried I was laughing so hard when I heard this joke. But it was even funnier when later in the evening the guy telling it yelled out loud to a friend of ours and said "Hey Steve...." (everyone gets quiet when a name is yelled out) .....you know....)

everyone roared...including Steve!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."

I was 'sitting down' at a restaurant bathroom... I was barely enthroned, when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

A duck walked into a store and asked "got any grapes?" The manager said no. The duck walked out. The next day the duck walks into the store again. He asked the manager if he had any grapes. After the manager said no the duck walked out. This continued for a few days until the manager had enough of it. To the duck he said "If you come in here and ask for grapes one more times I will nail your feet to the floor." The next day the duck walks in and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says no. The duck then asks "got any grapes?"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn, and she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later, the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice - "Cut 'em". When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied. Jim tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As he admired himself in the mirror, the old tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The old tailor eyed Jim and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Again, Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied. Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?" Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The tailor eyed his feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Jim was astonished. He laughed and said, "Don't tell me, I know, you've been in the business 60 years!" Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The old tailor stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Jim laughed, "Ah-hah I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The old tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and winds up in a tree in Mr. Johnson's backyard. Mr. Johnson calls the police to report it and an animal trainer from the zoo is quickly dispatched. The handler shows up in a truck and unloads a dog, a baseball bat, a bananna and a rifle. He meets Mr. Johnson in the backyard and says, "I will need your assistance." Mr. Johnson agrees and asks how he can be of assistance. The handler says, "I'm going to climb the tree and approach the gorilla with the bananna. When I get close enough, I'll whack him on the head with a baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, my specially trained dog here will rush over to him and chomp down on the gorilla's crotch, incapacitating him." Mr. Johnson is curious about the rifle and asks, "I don't see where I come in and besides, what's the rifle for?" The handler replies, "If for any reason, I fall out of the tree, for God's sake...shoot the dog!"

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