Posted on 05/07/2006 8:33:21 AM PDT by nuconvert
What it takes to be a jerk
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 29, 1996.)
Recently, when I was having a hamburger at an outdoor restaurant, two guys started up their Harley-Davidson motorcycles, parked maybe 25 feet from me. Naturally, being Harley guys, these were rebels -- lone wolves, guys who do it Their Way, guys who do not follow the crowd. You could tell because they were wearing the same jeans, jackets, boots, bandannas, sunglasses, belt buckles, tattoos and (presumably) underwear worn by roughly 28 million other lone-wolf Harley guys.
And, of course, once they got their engines started, they had to spend the equivalent of two college semesters just sitting there, revving their engines, which were so ear-bleedingly loud that I thought my hamburger was going to leap from my plate and skitter, terrified, back into the kitchen. I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.
Perhaps you, too, have experienced an assault of Harley-revving; and perhaps you have asked yourself: Why do these people DO this? What possible reason could they have for causing so much discomfort to those around them? As it happens, there IS a reason, and it is an excellent one: They're jerks.
I'm not saying that ALL Harley guys -- some of my friends are Harley guys -- engage in this obnoxious behavior. I'm just saying that the ones who DO engage in it are jerks. And I am not afraid to tell them so, even if they are large and hairy and potentially violent. I am not afraid to say: ``OK, Mr. Loud Harley Guy, you got a problem with me calling you a jerk? You want to DO something about it? You want to express your disagreement by tapping out lengthy Morse Code sentences on my skull with a tire iron? Then why don't you -- if you have the guts -- come see me PERSONALLY at my place of employment, located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C.? Come on if you dare, fat boy! Ride right into the lobby!''
And let me also say, while I'm at it, that I'm sick of you people who park in spaces reserved for the handicapped, even though you are not, personally, handicapped. You know who you are. Many of you even have those little rearview-mirror handicapped signs, which you got from a friend or relative, or which you once needed because of some temporary medical condition that has long since been cleared up.
One of my hobbies is to watch when cars pull into handicapped parking spots, and see who gets out. Very often, in my experience, these people appear to be totally unhandicapped: No wheelchair, no crutches, not even a trace of a limp. I realize that some of these people have problems, such as heart conditions, that are not visible. But some of them, to judge by the sprightliness of their walks, are off to compete in the decathlon. Their only handicap is: They're jerks.
What we need in this country -- I would pay extra income tax for this -- is an elite corps of Handicapped Parker On-Site Medical Examination SWAT Teams. These teams would prowl the streets, wearing rubber gloves and armed with X-ray machines, CT scanners, scalpels, drills, saws and harpoon-sized hypodermic needles.
When a team spotted a handicapped-zone parker who could not immediately prove that he or she was handicapped, that person would immediately undergo a severely thorough on-the-street physical examination conducted by burly personnel who have attended medical school for a maximum of four hours including lunch (''Hey Norm! Which ones are the kidneys again?''). These examinations would involve full frontal nudity and the removal of enough blood, organ and tissue samples to form a complete new human; also, if the SWAT team found a Harley guy revving his engine in a handicapped-parking zone, it would employ the 250-foot intestinal probe nicknamed ''Big Bertha.'' The idea would be that if you weren't qualified to park in a handicapped zone BEFORE the physical examination, you definitely would be AFTER.
And let's talk about you people who always send your food back in restaurants. (I KNOW this has nothing to do with handicapped parking; I can't stop myself.) I mean, sure, if the food is truly BAD, if it has RODENTS running around on it, OK, send it back; but what about you people who ALWAYS send your food back, thereby turning EVERY SINGLE MEAL into an exercise in consumer whining?
I'm sorry! You're jerks! Especially if, when the bill comes, you also ALWAYS insist -- even if everybody ordered basically the same thing -- on figuring out your EXACT share (''Well, I had the Diet Sprite, which is 10 cents less than the iced tea. ...'' ); and then you decide that a 5 percent tip is adequate, thereby forcing your friends, who are embarrassed, to put in more money.
Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you. Put your ear right down to the page: YOUR FRIENDS HATE IT WHEN YOU STIFF THE WAITER. IF THE SERVICE IS OK, YOU SHOULD TIP 15 PERCENT. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TIP, THEN DON'T EAT AT RESTAURANTS.
Also, you should never, ever, no matter what, butt in front of people waiting in line without asking their permission. Also, if, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, all right? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
Thank you, and I apologize for using so many capital letters. I can be a real jerk about that.
People who insist on running others' meetings
People who stop the whole street full of cars behind them to let the attractive young woman turn in
Waiters/waitresses who "accidentally" overcharge
People who conspicuously hand street people money
People who put 3 weeks' worth of luggage in the overhead bin
Don't get me started!
That's wrong.
Well on that subject, why have handicapped spaces at all. I mean, what is the big deal about going another hundred feet or so for anybody? Does it really make that big of a difference? Think about it. If you are really so incapacitated that you can't go more than a couple hundred feet, you probably have a wheelchair anyhow.
I don't get the handicapped spaces at all. Especially when you park at a shopping mall and have to go for miles and miles anyway once inside. I think it's just political correctness run amok. Somehow our society survived up until the 1960s with no handicapped spaces and our handicapped had much less mobility options in those days.
What I find humorous is when people spend large amounts of time "jockeying" for a close parking space at the shopping mall, only to spend the next two hours walking endlessly around the mall. I mean, these people get all aggravated and beep and gesture when somebody slides into the spot ahead of them. When all they had to do was park a little in the back where there is ample parking and be inside the mall in maybe 30 seconds. I have a pedometer strapped to my belt everyday and sometimes I record 2 or 3 miles in a shopping mall!
It's just like a South Dakota, but northier.
'Integrity' is what you have when you do the right thing- even when you know that nobody's looking. :-)
Once, for about a week, I was going around just walking up to people and handing them an object, saying only: "Here, hold this," over 80% of the people would take it before asking me why.
no... however it is that is the standard operating proceedure from my experience.
A lot of the time the handicap spaces seem to be wider so that those wheelchair lifts have someplace to deploy.
"It's your turn when the guy in front of you leaves; not one second before, clean your own house and let the slobs live as they may."
You can call them slobs, I call them jerks.
Well, I certainly don't want to go there.
It's northie enough where I am now, what with all the traffic and the hollering and screaming and all.
Or people who like to start fights with other FReepers, somehow trying to read more into a post than is necessary.
Aren't we all! Lol
One good "handicapped" space I like is at Babies R Us. They have pregnant woman parking in front. My wife was 3 months pregnant, and I told her it counted, so we went shopping for cribs in style (grin)
Well walking in the mall is pleasant. walking through a collection of cars is not. Especially at night when its darker and more dangerous
However, there are many callous, angry, lazy people who think the spot is a privilege (????) and take it. Get their eye sometime if you have the chance and you will see a glare.
I would qualify that by pointing out that "loud pipes save lives". The guys who rev in parking lots are jerks but the guys who roar on the highway are better known as "still alive".
Yes, it is very wrong and some of the illegal parkers are hostile and defensive about it.
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