Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Examples:
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level
I loved "A Mighty Wind", too. I can imagine all of the characters as Democrats, still trying to take themselves as seriously as they did in the 60's. Very funny film.
What a total piece of shit that was. Nothing but a bunch of amoral/drunks/losers hellbent on destroying their lives. This is a story worth telling? Hardly.
What a total piece of shit that was. Nothing but a bunch of amoral/drunks/losers hellbent on destroying their lives. This is a story worth telling? Hardly.
That's why I like that movie. There are multiple takes on each character and no one is all good or all evil in the film.
Actually, it was "Spinal Tap" I enjoyed so much. I found "A Mighty Wind" worth a chuckle or two, but nowhere near as good as ST.
Woody Allen also wrote the dialog for "What's Up Tiger Lilly" which was the original MST3K, where they dubbed dialog over a Japanese spy movie. Allen was funny before he got all artsy-fartsy with Annie Hall, etc.
The entire Christopher Guest/Harry Shearer oeuvre falls into the "either you think it's hilarious or stupid" category. I go for "hilarious." "Best in Show" is probably the best of them. I think cause it gave them a chance to satirize a bunch of different characters, instead of just taking on one stereotype (small town, folk singers).
SD
Deep Impact: Two hours of developing lots of characters who mope around whining "we're all gonna die" ... followed by 5 minutes of watching NYC get flushed via amazing computer-generated FX worth the price of admission alone.
Armageddon: Such frenzied film editing that it's a 137-minute preview.
Is that good? I missed it. curses. looked hilarious.
I liked "Being Human" - creative and insightful. A melancholy academic artistic analysis of the human condition.
I also had to spend 30 minutes afterwards with pen & paper trying reconstruct the plot & timeline to figure out what the heck happened.
Agreed, it was too obtuse & complex for most audiences - not what most people go to movies for.
"AI" - good drama movie ... followed by a good action movie ... followed by a good melancholy movie ... followed by a good sci fi movie ... followed by a good hallucination movie. I swore it lasted 5 hours and ended 3 times. Good though schitzophrenic film.
"The Man with the Screaming Brain" is actually a good B-movie. But you got to keep in mind that it is cheesy and it was made on a shoe string budget, if you can get passed that, you can enjoy the movie.
Also, it shows that Bruce Campbell does have writing and directing talent. It's raw talent, but it's there.
Ah, yes, "The Piano". Analyzing it, I must conclude it excelled in every conceivable way (great music, acting, story, script, sets, effects, etc.) - except that it just sucked. Walked out numb repeatedly saying "what was THAT?"
As in life.
Oh, "Memento" was GOOD! ... just mind-bending: a story told backwards because it portrays the consequences of a very chilling insightful decision, which gives the most impact when the consequences are told before revealing the decision that started it all.
Someone re-ordered it to forward chronology; that would better explain the story but lose the climax's effect.
I still don't understand why I don't like "Life of Brian."
Part of it may have to do with the fact that it was so hyped up, that I was disappointed it did not meet my expectations after "Holy Grail" which was excellent.
Another reason is the "unwritten law" that ethnic/religious jokes are only funny when made by someone of the same ethnic/religion, otherwise they are offensive. Monty Python does great British humor but they can't do Jewish humor.
My wife says the movie traumatized me.
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
"Threesome" - college freshmen (boy, boy, girl) share a dorm room (room 3S of course). Dopey PG-13 rendering of the obvious plot.
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
"Chain Of Desire" - A wants B wants C wants ... and wants stupidly. Ugh.
"A Summer's Tale" - I really wanted to like this movie. No grand drama, no mood music, no special effects, no big budget, ... just a gentle, believable, sensitive story of a young man's pained attempts to decide which of three desireable young women he will choose. One easily believes this is a real story of common folk The acting and dialogue are refreshingly realistic, the filming is remarkably simple and honest, and the story so very genuine. Unfortunately, the story - so true to life - is truly stupid. All four have a vague notion of desiring romance, are so dishonest to themselves and to each other about their intentions, so trivialize sensitive and important matters, so magnify trivialities, so avoiding painful decisions and thus causing more pain, ultimately working into a corner where a decision must be made and hearts broken and commitments made. Except that none really care enough for the decision to really matter. Except that the decision is, based on a fortuitious phone call, an excuse to run away. I really wanted to like this movie...but in a painfully realistic fasion, it didn't make a decision and ran away.
One could argue that it remarkably captured reality. Trust me: your life is more interesting.
What is interesting is how it demonstrates the way young adults tend to choose a mate in Western culture: feign disinterest, don't know why a mate is being sought, trivialize everything, be directionless, break hearts all around, put trivialities first. The pathos just screams for purpose and direction.
"Beowulf" - A great movie opportunity blown badly. The modest success of the techno-feudal setting and the upper-B-movie cast is squandered by a script that has only the slightest resemblance to the great ancient English legend.
(When the box descrption mentioned the "techno-fuTILE" setting, I knew something was very wrong.)
Sequels to "Highlander" - Highlander was a fine guy film that ended with total closure. Highlander 2: The Sicken...(er, 'scuse me)...Quickening totally mangled the first story, ignored the closed ending, and carried it on in bizzare ways; the Director's Cut reportedly edits the movie severly, effectively turning it into another film. Highlander 3: The Sorcerer formally apologized for the previous film and discarded it, and said of the first film's ending "no, wait, we apologize, the story isn't finished after all" so they could present some more gratuitous sword fights and beheadings. Now there is Highlander: Endgame which rolls back the story to about 2/3rds through the first film, ignored the other two, picked up the TV series (no comment), and tried to end the first story a fourth way...but it's not done, because of the Hollywood need for a happy ending which makes no sense and opens the door for (retch) a fifth sequel/ending; but that's the Producer's Cut version, which is somewhat different from the theatrical release. This movie, in and of itself, is an OK B-movie; in context of the serieses (plural plural), it's another round of "why are they doing this to me (the viewer)" and six profoundly different endings to one otherwise good story. I suggest you watch the fine cult hit film Highlander,and if anyone suggests you watch any sequels consider following Connor McLeoud's example upon them.
"Go", "Dazed and Confused" - The camera follows mundane losers around for one night. Are audience's lives so boring that they find it interesting to watch a day in the lives of other boring people?
"Universal Soldier: The Return" - Shoulda gone straight to video. Heck, shouldn't have been made. Starts with a bunch of ex-dead-people (see Universal Soldier for the story behind that...or better yet, don't), then proceeds to repeatedly kill and restore them. "He's dead...he's back...he's dead again...he's back again..."
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
"My Left Foot" - ALMOST left. After 30 minutes of emotional torture of the main character, I nearly left. Good thing I didn't.
"Buckaroo Bonzai" - Only movie I actually stopped watching because it was so very bad.
I must insist on Class 4: it's bad, you know it's bad, you enjoy it because it's bad.
"Attack of the Killer Tomatos" - The very defni
"Dark Star" - Best bad movie EVER. Period. Bad, knows it's bad, team had such a great time making a bad movie it's fun in a really bad way.
"Plan 9 From Outer Space" - Quintisential bad movie. Ed Wood tried. and failed. badly. Available free on the 'net if you search.
"Six-String Samurai" - Wow! That was stupid! Cross Road Warrior with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and you get the post-apocalyptic tale of a sword-wielding guitarist making the hard desert trek to become the King of Lost Vegas by winning the greatest gig contest ever. Hindering his trek are murderous bowlers (yes, I mean the Tuesday night crowd that throws concrete balls at pins), a canabillistic stereotypical '50s family, other "let's see what post-nuclear-holocaust freaks the costume department can invent", guitar-playing sword-swinging Death and his idiot cronies, and the constant loving companionship of a little orphan boy. Did I mention this was stupid?
"How To Irritate People" - John Cleese and other Monty Python cast members teach "how to be irritating" via case studies. An irritating film...but what did you expect from a Monty Python production entitled How to Irritate People?
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