Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)

Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.

So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:

Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!

Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.

Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe

Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen

"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense

“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior

"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!

Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds

"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots

Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level

Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds

I'd have to disagree. Anything with frontal nudity is worth sitting through, even if you didn't pay for it.

Exactly, which is why "Showgirls" goes into my special, testosterone slathered special catagory of "really awful movies where the only redeming feature are hot, nekkid wimmen!"

Between the lead character (I can't remember her name, and it's not worth looking up), the "generic porno blonde," and Gina Gershon nekkid, it was somewhat worth watching.

Mark

P.S. I got that phrase, "Generic Porno Blonde" from a band I was in back in highschool.

You wrote, "Sleeper is one of the best, brainless, silly comedies ever. Bananas is a hoot, as is Everything you always wanted to know about sex. But "Take the Money and Run" is a silly masterpiece!"

Bring on the popcorn, looks like you got yourself another Allen triumpth to treasure!!
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http://english.chosun.com/w21data/html/news/200509/200509270023.html

"Even at 70, Woody Allen Keeps the Films Coming

Woody Allen, now the grand old man of New York, complains endlessly about how Hollywood just cares about money, how unsophisticated young viewers these days are, but he remains an evergreen cinema-kid who satisfies the world's cultural hunger with a production each year. "Hollywood Ending," in which Allen once again stars, directs and writes, is set to debut in Korea on Sept. 30. The Chosun Ilbo took the opportunity to conduct an e-mail interview with the 70-year old. His answers were short but full of his characteristic sharp wit.
Things were quiet for a few years, but "Hollywood Ending" will be the second Korean release this year following "Anything Else." How do you feel?

"I'm excited. As you know, my wife was born in Seoul. She has asked that we go to Korea together."

"Hollywood Ending" is a humorous portrayal of a has-been director, Val (played by Allen), trying to make a comeback in Hollywood. He seemed almost like you. How would you compare Hollywood, New York and London, where you are currently shooting?

"New York is freer than Hollywood, and Europe is freer than New York."

The movie Val shoots gets a good reception from French film critics only. Do you think Europeans have better aesthetic appreciation and taste?
"No comment."

One goofy question. In "Hollywood Ending," your character goes blind, but pushes ahead with his film anyway. If you went blind because of stress during a film, would you actually push through with it anyway? And what was the toughest moment for you physically in the film?

"That's a stupid question. Even in France, you can't direct blind. The toughest thing when shooting a picture is getting up in the morning. The next is shaving every day."

Your films are charming, but in the United States and Korea, fewer and fewer people are watching them. If it's true that younger filmgoers are not watching your films, is that their fault or yours?

"I don¡¯t know whose fault it is. I want to think it¡¯s the viewers' responsibility, but it may be my fault. Perhaps thinking it¡¯s the viewers' fault is proof that I've gone blind already."

You're 70 years old this year. But you've persisted in making one film a year. What is the source of your energy?

"I'm a man of many ideas, especially when it comes to movies. That's my nature."

Korean filmgoers welcome not only your films, but also the fact that your wife Soon-yi is Korean. Does your wife help you make films? And do you have any memorable experiences with Korean film or Korean film people?

"My wife is the source of my inspiration. But frankly, I don't know much about Korean film. There aren't many Korean films broadcast over here."

What do you say to film critics who say your films are lost in mannerism?

"Frankly, I don't understand their criticism. But they must be right. All critics are smart."

Last question. If you were to recount your happiest and unhappiest moments from the last week, what would they be?

"My happiest moment would be lying in bed with my wife. The least happy would be my endoscopy."

(englishnews@chosun.com )

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