Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Examples:
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level
If I could change one thing about Unbreakable, it would be to have the last scene from the movie freeze, and then morph into a panel from a comic book. That would fit the style to a "T".
See now I really liked Tommy Boy but not the dumb and dumber or black sheep movies
How about a Category 5: Films you wish a hurricane would just come along and flood the theatre to stop the torture?
I am surprised no one mentioned UHF. I personally like it, especially the fact that instead of getting a grant from the government, Al sells shares like a good capitalist.
I agree on the "Sixth Sense" that the last scene made the movie. However, in "Unbreakable", I seem to recall counting three "last scenes," at least in the theatrical version I saw. Or at least three separate scenes that would explain much of what had happened within the rest of the picture.
Maybe I'm being picky, but things like that really spoil it for me.
>>I really hate (fiction) movies where I can figure out the ending.....I can usually figure out where Spielberg is going early on
That is why I didn't care for The Sixth Sense. Figured it out early on and the rest was just "Zzzzzzzz".
Apollo 13...Great job on that movie!
On a funny note, as I was leaving the theatre, there was a young couple in front of me, and the girl said "I'm glad the movie ended the way it did..."
If I had any remaining Bladder Buster soda in my mouth, it would have ended up on her back!
I'd have to disagree. Anything with frontal nudity is worth sitting through, even if you didn't pay for it.
Speaking of Nicholson, Cat 1: As Boring...err, Good As It Gets
#3- Mommy Dearest, I left the theater. It was the last movie I saw in a theater until I had to go with my grandkids to Snow Dogs and I did go see The Passion.
I only said Hollyweird types fell all over themselves to give this pretentious flick a slew of Oscars to try to make themselves look highbrow.
I LOVED Tommy Boy! I saw it twice...favorite scenes:
1.) Tommy Boy smashing his head on the girder while examining the hardhat in his hands, trying to figure out what to do with it...
2.) Tommy Boy eating the Peanut M&M's in the cherry car while David Spade tells him no eating allowed. He blows him off and puts down the bag of M&M's on the dash, and when the brakes are applied, they spill out of the bag and all disappear down the heating vent.
3.) The evil guy trying to shoot his gun, and getting screwed by the 80's era automatic seat belt...
"Mars Attacks" is a cult classic LOL.
But I pity those who actually went to the theater to see "Gigli."
Wheel of Fish! That was a cute movie. I've always liked Weird Al. He's hilarious, without being vulgar or gratuitous. When he plays our area, he's known to just walk around the mall like any other normal(?)person.
Constant dread? Did you see the same movie I saw? The only dreadful things about it were the constant mugging of Tom Cruise and the constant shrieking of that annoying little girl. Not to mention Tim Robbins playing his usual "seemingly helpful and harmless, but really creepy" neighbor role.
"If Chins Could Kill, or Confessions of a B-Movie Actor"
I hope some day to make it big in show biz so I can be in a movie with him.
If there was ever a movie that demonstrated that Hollywood knows nothing about the military, its A Few Good Men.
James Earl Jones snarls: "We're from the United States government -- we don't do that sort of thing."
SD
Heck, even a friend of mine who is a semi-environmental case thought the premise and delivery was silly.
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