Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Examples:
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level
How about this category: "Should have left it as a book"?
Tom Wolfe's "Bonfire of the Vanities". I loved that book, but they just clobbered it as a movie. Horribly. I may have wept.
Lethal Weapon IV - A gun grabbing POS "classic" that ruined all of the Lethal Weapons for me.
Class 2: Matrix II. Snazzy special effects, but it was a crashing bore.
Class 3: Zoolander. Brain dead stupid. Left the theatre after about a half hour of it.
Can't have a bad movie thread without the presence of an MST3K alum.
"One man's pile of crap is another man's sandbox."
I do miss MST3K. The SciFi Channel killed it. I wish I had the where-with-all to have my own cable channel where I could buy all the shows that were good but weren't given a chance to succeed.
Wait for the DVD for Charlie. I kind of liked it, but it's definately not for everybody. It won't be remembered the way the first movie is either. I love Depp but his Wonka had nothing on Gene Wilder's. Wilder was the quintessential candyman to me, even if Dahl hated it.
Yeah, like Herman's Head.
And I usually like Sean Connery movies.
To each his own. I know that I'm in the minority on this one and that's okay. I don't HATE Nemo, I just think that it's as good as it's been made out to be. And it is a bit hyper for the under five crowd. I just think it's sad that the folks at Disney have to make every one of their movies more for adults than for kids these days.
Showgirls.....I thought it was a comedy.
You must be joking. A superior film noir flick with gorgeous cinemetography. And based on some historical fact; hint, substitute Mulholland for Mulray.
I love Jack Nicholson, but when he did "Two Jakes" he went into category two.
For me any movie with Barbra Streisand is at least a three. I never understood the appeal.
The movie begins with a boat slowly going down a river. One guy said, "I'll give everyone a buck if we leave now." Without any hesitation, we took him up on his offer.
I'm still grateful to him today. I wish I'd walked out on a lot of other movies.
If writers and directors make an effort to have their plots be believable or at least internally consistent, then I will meet them halfway by giving my 'suspension of disbelief.' Moviemakers who *don't* do this show disrespect to their audience and are doing a crappy job.
That would be Eraserhead. Saw it back in art chool and everyone but everyone was praising it to the skies. I walked out when my tolerance for fetal goats dropping from the ceiling was finally overcome.
Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
I sat through what I thought was surely at least five and a half hours of Fanny and Alexander before I gave up in utter frustration. Turns out I left about five minutes before the end. But seeing the end probably wouldn't have made a difference. It was the most mind-numbingly boring movie (not to mention the most irritating to listen to) I've ever experienced.
Those are the only two movies I've ever walked out on, btw. Falling asleep just means it was boring in a sedative kind of way. Walking out means it was so bad it made you mad.
THEY'RE MAKING A SEQUEL TO ZOOLANDER!!! Is there any doubt why Hollywood is in decline?
I think the only movie I have walked out on was "Rock n Roll High School." A group of us went and could endure it for about 45 minutes.
My wife had the good sense to walk out on "Independece Day" but I stayed in the theater, hoping it would get better.
Cat 1: Erin Brokovich (and anything else with Julie Roberts AKA the worst/most over-rated actress of all time)
Pulp Fiction
These two films alone have created a new category for me- Types of Movies I Will Never Waste my Time or Money on Again: anything by Quentin Terentino or with Julia Roberts. This will save me quite a bit of money over my lifetime, I figure.
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