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Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Examples:
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level
Class 2:
The Blair Witch Project (forced myself to finish watching it; a hyped, unscary, unsuspenseful nothing of a film. I was rooting for the witch to take down the obnoxious cast of three.)
Vanilla Sky (it had its moments, but I forced myself to watch it to the end)
Class 3:
Natural Born Killers (couldn't finish it)
A Night at the Roxbury (currently showing on TBS) - too stupid; can't make it all the way through
Pulp Fiction (couldn't finish it)
Tucker (couldn't finish it)
I swear I'm going to just go hang out on base! Just kidding. But you are right on.
I always remind myself when there's a Steven Segall movie on that "Maybe he's not the best actor - but the guy can kick some serious ass".
'Under Siege - Dark Territory' was pretty good.
I liked the concept of a massive shoot-out and butt-kicking taking place on a moving train.
omg...I forgot Independence Day...talk about dumb !
Pulp Fiction is an amazing piece of work, original while being a rip off of several films, but the disjointed time line, the long uninterupted shots, the pure unconvention of it, a brilliant film.
I'm watching a documentary about Orson Welles and his unfinished projects, its fascinating, so many great bits, but he never was able to finish anything.
Still, the opening shot of "Touch of Evil" is one of the most classic scenes ever.
omg...I forgot Independence Day...talk about dumb !
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure :
Big Lebowski...it's must be a generational thing. Like Hollywood Knights
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
My Beautiful Launderette...I kept hoping it would finally get as good as the reviews.
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock
Little Shop of Horrors......nuff said
Does it have that chick from "Amelie" in it?
No,
I think he's gorgeous! And he comes off as extremely sensual.
Which often doesn't work with the manly men. Yeah, they may kill the mastodon, but they will try to use the same heavy hand later. There are few guys who can pull off both the macho and the toe curler.
That's the one--a movie so awful it should only be shown at drive-in movie theaters in the daytime. :)
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I love Joe Dirt. I see it as the trailerpark version of Forrest Gump.
"None of this makes any sense!" THAT'S MY NAME! NUNAMAKER!
"Efbodino, hom...akid" "You like to see homos naked? Whatever makes you happy."
It is one of my keepers on TiVo.
I agree! Mars Attacks is a scream! It's one of my favorites.
Class 1. Titanic
Class 2. JFK
Class 3. Ishtar
Didn't quite make the suckkage list:
Napolean Dynamite (although I've seen it again on cable, and it just cracks me up more and more each time I see it. Go figure)
SATISFACTION with Liam Neeson and Justine Bateman (and Julia Roberts)... never saw it at the theatre... it was on tv the other night... could not watch more than 35 minutes of it... can't believe Liam Neeson was actually in this movie...
It's even worse than I imagined...
I though Vanilla Sky was brilliant.
My wife hated it. Too much hanky panky.
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