Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)

9/28/05 | ltn72

[pabianice]

Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.

So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:

Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure

Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!

Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.

Examples:

Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe

Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen

"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense

“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior

"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!

Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds

"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots

Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level

[oremites]

"Mystery Men" was a lot of fun. I may be banned from FR for saying this, but I like Janeane Garofalo in that movie.

[martin_fierro]

Unnngh.

No accounting for tastes.

But then I think Nicole Smith is a great actress.

< |:)~

[I still care]

The plot was stupid. But visually I loved the violin music, the cinematography, and the art direction of a 19th century village. Small scenes, like the women whirling around on the porch in long skirts while sweeping- I liked.

I also liked the theme (I drew from it - I don't know if the director meant it) that if you leave the world to create a liberal utopia, evil will just follow you. You have to defeat it where it is. It was sad to me at the end the people just kept deceiving themselves.

[aquila48]

Twister was a Cat 3 for me - acting and script were so bad I was rooting for the twister to put an end to it.

[dfwgator]

Yet this idiotic, downer, pessimistic, loser of a movie had BUSSES crusing through a SMALL TOWN picking up those folks in that town

Obviously Ray Nagin wasn't the mayor there.

[fr_freak]

I would respectfully disagree. In "A Few Good Men," the military was portrayed as, for the most part, an ethical institution (Cruise, Bacon, both the younger marines, Moore and Pollack) that was capable of weeding out the corrupt colonel. The only area where I think it strayed into typical liberal agitprop was the need to make Keifer Sutherland's psycho Lt. into a born again Christian.

The movie was fairly well done, and much of its portrayal of military personnel was favorable, but it had some elements that guaranteed that it would not be a really good movie:

1) Demi Moore
2) The entire premise that there would be such a huge scandal resulting from the death of a Marine as the result of a pre-existing medical condition. We're supposed to believe that two Marines will be court-martialed for murder, top Marine officers, including the base commander, will sacrifice all sense of honor and duty to set up those two Marines to be fall guys, and that another top Marine officer, a combat vet, will shoot himself out of remorse, all for some kid who died during what amounted to fairly mild hazing because of his medical condition.
3) Tom Cruise's technique for tripping up the base commander and getting him to admit to a serious crime that he has made his sole purpose to cover up for the entire movie - just ask the guy. If only all prosecutors knew this secret technique: just get the perp on the stand and ask him if he's guilty.

[Borges]

If I mis-inffered I apologize.

[Jedidah]

Napoleon?? No way! I'm still chuckling.

GOSH!

[Busywhiskers]

You should add Catagory 4--Movies that are so bad that they are fascinating in the same sense that a bad car wreck is fascinating.

[rlmorel]

Yes. That movie nearly killed me.

[Finny]

Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock
Bridges Over Madison County

Gads ... forgot about that one. I rented it and turned if off after the first 20 minutes!

[Borges]

Your first point is very hard to overcome! Your third point was the crux of why Ebert didn't like the movie.

[AgentEcho]

Class one: Army of Darkness, Joe's Apartment, Flash Gordon

Class two: The Royal Tannenbaums, Kung Fu Hustle,

Class three: Lost in Translation, Babes in Toyland, Mars Attacks, Rollerball (remake), Transylvania 6-5000, Gone Fishing

[dfwgator]

was favorable, but it had some elements that guaranteed that it would not be a really good movie: 1) Demi Moore

Especially Demi Moore with short hair.

[Syco]

An epileptic, Turrets sufferer.

[Exeter]

Nowadays with DVD's hitting the stores a few months after theatrical release, I rate first-run movies a little differently;

1. Gotta see it at the theatre-I'm willing to pay $15-20 (ticket and snacks) because it's a movie that has to be seen on the big screen. eg. The first Star Wars,

2. I can wait for it to come out on DVD. This includes the vast majority of movies spewing forth from Hollywood these days,

3. I'll wait till it's shown on HBO. See #2,

4. I'll catch it one night on WTBS,and

5. Joel and the robots will tear it to pieces on MST3K one day.

There's also a rule of thumb re:your average flick these days. A mediocre movie can be made more tolerable with vast amounts of gratuitous nudity and sex. If it can't, you've got a REAL bad movie. eg. Showgirls, so bad Bobby and I yanked it out of the player and watched To Wong Foo...instead.

[rlmorel]

#1

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK

I still have no arms from chewing them off to escape.

[bunches]

I remember watching it, thinking "Just sink already."

I actually liked "Titanic" but on repeated viewing the dialogue DOES start to get to you.

Examples:
Rose to her creepy financee as the boat is sinking: "You unspeakable bastard!"

Alernate line by me: "Somebody push this creep overboard."

Architect of ship to Rose as the ship is sinking" I'm sorry I couldn't build you a better ship, young Rose"

Alternate line: Rose to architect: "NOW you tell me.!

Rose to Leo: I'll never let go, I'll never let go as Jack sinks slowly to the ocean bottom.

Alternate line: "You know Jack, I'm gonna live to be a 110 year old lady but...err...not you --sorry about your luck!

Jack chained to post by constable on ship as he sees water coming into room (ship sinking)"This is bad!"

Alternate line: OH SH***T!!!

Jack to Rose as she attempts to use axe to release his handcuffs "Take a few practice swings"

Alternate line: "You can't hit the side of a barn! I think I'll just drown with my hand still attached!"

Any more??

[Woman on Caroline Street]

Buy that man(poster) a margarita!

[BossLady]

Class 4 Felony (Orginally released in theatres but saw it on late night TV):

"The Lonely Lady" with Pia Zadora