Posted on 07/05/2005 5:31:57 AM PDT by Bon mots
Is marriage, as a social institution, doomed? As recently as 50 years ago, it was the norm for people to get married and have children. But now, at least in the west, we are seeing record numbers of people divorcing, leaving marriage until later in life or not getting married at all. In Britain, I was amazed to learn the other day, the proportion of children born outside marriage has shot up from 9 per cent to 42 per cent since 1976. In France, the proportion is 44 per cent, in Sweden, it is 56 per cent and even in the US, with its religious emphasis on family values, it is 35 per cent.
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I suppose we must blame the rise of selfish individualism. People are a lot less willing to sacrifice their independent lifestyle and become part of a couple or family unit than they once were. And if they do marry, the importance they place on their right to a happy life leaves them disinclined to stick around for long once the initial euphoria has worn off.
I wonder, though, if there is another possible explanation: that, frankly, a lot of women do not like men very much, and vice versa? And that, given the choice, a lot of women and men would prefer an adequate supply of casual nookie to a lifelong relationship with a member of the opposite sex?
Choice, after all, is a very recent phenomenon. For most of human history, men and women married not because they particularly liked one another but out of practical necessity: men needed women to cook and clean for them while women needed men to bring home the bacon. It is only in very recent times that women have won legal independence and access to economic self-sufficiency - and only recently, too, that men have been liberated from dependency on women by ready meals and take-away food, automatic washing machines and domestic cleaning services.
During the times of mutual dependency, women were economically, legally and politically subservient to men. This had a number of repercussions. One was that, lacking control over their own lives, women could justifiably hold their husbands responsible for everything, resulting in what men around the world will recognise as the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault." Second, while men ruled the world, women ruled within the home - often firmly, resulting in the age-old image of the nagging wife and hen-pecked husband. And third, understandably resenting their subjugation outside the home, women took pleasure in characterising their oppressors as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags.
Fair enough. But in the last 30 years, relations between men and women have undergone a greater change than at any time in human history. Women have not reached full equality yet, but they are getting close. And now the economic necessity for getting hitched has died out, marriage is on the rocks.
What can be done to save it? My interest in this was provoked by an article I read online last week by Stephanie Coontz, an author of books on American family life. In The Chronicle of Higher Education, she said an important principle was that "husbands have to respond positively to their wives' request for change" - for example, addressing the anomaly that women tend to do the larger share of the housework.
So, husbands have to change. Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, because it is another repetition of the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault."
I could quibble with Ms Coontz's worries about the uneven split in the male/female workload. In the US, according to the latest time-use survey from the bureau of labour statistics, employed women spend on average an hour a day more than employed men on housework and childcare; but employed men spend an hour a day longer doing paid work. While this may be an imperfect arrangement, it hardly seems a glaring injustice.
But my point is this. Yes, men must change; indeed, they are changing, which is why we hear so much about new men and metrosexuals and divorced fathers fighting for custody of their children. But are women so perfect, or so sanctified by thousands of years of oppression, that they cannot be asked to change even the tiniest bit, too?
If economic necessity is not going to bring and keep men and women together in marriage, then we are going to have to rely on mutual affection and respect. And there is not going to be much of that about as long as women - assisted by television sitcoms and media portrayals in general - carry on stereotyping men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, even if some of them are.
So, my timorous suggestion is that it is time for women to shrug off the legacy of oppression and consider changing their approach to men and marriage. First, with power comes responsibility, which means it is now all women's fault as much as men's and, hence, the end of the blame and complain game. Second, if women are to share power in the world, men must share power in the home, which means that they get an equal say in important decisions about soft furnishings.
Most of all, it is time for the negative stereotyping to go. I know women will say: "But it's true!" If so, then marriage certainly is doomed.
But whose fault is that? If you treat all men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, you should not be surprised if that is what they turn out to be.
Why do you just throw insults around? Everyone has their own experiences and opinions....did I hit a nerve with you too?
You really do think highly of yourself, don't you?
No one here is being critical of your experiences; they're being critical of your solipsistic interpretation of those experiences.
Your thought processes remind me of a pre-enlightenment scientist expounding on how leaves wiggling on trees cause wind.
.....the circle of political ideology.....
Is this what you were refering to highball?
http://teacherweb.ftl.pinecrest.edu/crawfor/apcg/Unit3circle.htm
BINGO!!! Wow, God did know best after all. The keys to a successful marriage are written as plain as day, it just requires people to quit being selfish and self centered.
If you go in a marriage expecting it to fail then it is a self fulfilling prophesy. I personally wouldn't want to even consider someone as a marriage partner if that was how they think. The marriage is doomed with that kind of mindset.
LOL
Actually it might be more accurate to say that I know what commitment is and I eschew it at this point in my life having had enough of it. But thanks for the laugh ;-)
Excellent post and insight. Too many people think only of themselves and the almighty dollar as the number one priority in life. They are so wrong. Hopefully they will see the truth before they are old and all alone.
You attacked a whole bunch of things I did not say, but I note that you did not deny the point I did make. The traditional family is not compatible with a society in which women work in the marketplace. Try to deny that.
Talk about tacky and tasteless! Not all women are like that. Unfortunately though a lot are.
I dont know what side you are on, since your statement suports women working since that is congruent with most of todays society, so you seem to support women working.
The traditional family: a married couple with kids, is a very small part of this society, a small minority, consisting of less than 23.5% of American households.
Therefore, the traditional family, is pretty much insignificant to this discussion, dont ya think?
I'll grant you that there are particular families that are better off with the woman working, rather than the husband. But in general, two working parents doesn't work, and the husband staying at home doesn't work.
Given those statistical realities, it's not surprising that the family is declining at an accelerating pace.
I know. I was married to a much classier woman for 29 years. I don't blame anyone for feeling desperate and such a feeling can cloud judgment. Some single women over 40 feel a tremendous urge to marry and the demographics don't favor their chances. My attitude is fairly common among widowers I've met and that's not helping the situation I suppose but I just don't see a compelling reason to marry. Maybe that'll change.
Oh, so it's just the women who screw up the marriage. All I can say is you are full of it!
Insignificant to which discussion? That's what I was talking about--the traditional family.
If you want to ignore the traditional family and deal only with the nontraditional family, then it's kind of hard to make any generalizations since there really isn't any other standard template.
The only generalization you can make is that it doesn't seem to be working, as evidenced by the long list of societal ills, the vast majority of which can be traced directly to the breakdown of the family.
And when you start to talk about what needs to be done to save the nontraditional family, you really are lost because every nontraditional family has a different problem.
Women haven't been taught manners and decorum for a few years now and well, it paints those of us who have been taught the proper social graces in a bad light.
She can keep on waiting.
I have not encountered many women who would be content in a marriage with somebody who makes less than her.
Currently, there are lots of women professionals. SandyB probably knows a good number. Does anybody see female executives dating sanitation men? She might date a buff construction worker occasionally, but she won't let her friends meet him
What will happen is the excess educated women will die bitter and alone. The less educated men will still be able to find women. Men don't NEED a wife with a professional career as much as they need a woman who will love and respect them
Who do you think I got the idea from? :o)
Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heaven knows I don't need a woman that doesn't love and respect me. Like I said, I have no interest in a relationship with a woman who has significantly greater career time demands than I do. I don't want an absentee galpal. I think its fine if they want to go their way, I just have no desire to be the man in their life.
Part of the deal of making the big bucks, unless you go your own way (like I did), is extraordinary time demands, difficulty in planning and keeping dates, dealing with the angst because of office politics, etc. I had no desire to do that myself, and I have no desire to deal with the residual angst from a romantic interest that has to navigate all that stuff.
Women like that should just meet men with a similar career, or with men who don't mind the disparity in lifestyles, and leave the rest of us alone.
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