Posted on 01/16/2005 7:12:33 AM PST by raccoonradio
You're John Kerry, and this is the worst weekend of your life.
This is the moment when you should be preparing to take the oath of office, trying to figure out how to say, ``So help me God,'' without choking on that last word the way all good Massachusetts liberals do.
You've been globe-trotting for weeks now, bad-mouthing your own country in Third World hellholes, but now you know Joe Louis was right.
You can run but you can't hide. As Hosni Mubarak told you in Cairo, ``You don't have to go home, Senator, but you can't stay here.''
You're John Kerry, and every night sleep eludes you as toss and turn, endlessly pondering the what-ifs:
What if . . . Mary Mapes had had sense enough to go on eBay and buy a 1970 Olympic manual typewriter?
What if . . . dead people and felons were allowed to vote in Ohio like they are in King County, Washington?
What if . . . Bob Shrum had retired one election cycle sooner?
What if . . . Al Gore had never invented the Internet?
You're John Kerry and you can't even go to the game in Foxboro this afternoon, because even if you hid out in Bob Kraft's box, eventually CBS would do a cutaway, and those 60,000 Bush voters in the stands would see you up on the replay screen and give you a worse razzing than the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
This is more painful than ``Christmas in Cambodia,'' worse even than those weekends when you had to sleep on the couch in your ex-brother-in-law's living room.
You're John Kerry, and you flew to Baghdad to rip into someone's ``horrendous judgments'' and ``unbelievable blunders'' - and you weren't even talking about your own campaign for president.
You're John Kerry, and the song they still play when you walk into a room is ``Just a Gigolo,'' not ``Hail to the Chief.''
Here is how bad it is when you lose for president:
You fly to Paris and no one will even give you the number of Suha Arafat, a billionaire heiress who's a little on the chunky side, granted, but considering the fact that she's 25 years younger and a billion dollars richer than Mama T, no self-respecting gigolo could possibly rule her out as a prospect in next year's heiress draft.
You tell the reporters in Paris that you can't speak to them in French because you're ``rusty,'' but you weren't too ``rusty'' to address the Haitians in Florida last October.
You're John Kerry, and these same pajama-clad lowlifes who took down that great American patriot Dan Rather have the audacity to post a photo of you with Chirac in Paris with this caption:
``Est-ce qu'he Jacques, je puis m'obtenir un drapeau blanc ici?''
Translation: ``Hey Jacques, can I get me a white flag here?''
You're John F. Kerry, and don't they know who you are?
It could be worse - you could be Al Gore in 2001. You could have to sit behind Bush on Thursday when he's sworn in. No wonder Al immediately went on the Elvis Presley diet and packed on 50 pounds.
You're just a gigolo, and the saddest thing of all is to realize that even a billion dollars can't buy you the presidency. But what if you had $2 billion?
You're John Kerry, and if somebody could just set you up with Suha, dammit, you know you could turn it around in '08.
You're John Kerry, and you could win, so help you . . . somebody.
Yeah, he's plagiarizing Semi-Sonic.
I sucked the whole johnkerry website to my hard drive - more than a GB of crap.
SeeBS was in absolute warp speed to, and I insert lots of sarcasm here for the next word, "investigate" GWB's military records from 30 years ago.
Why did Dan not want to look into Kerry's record? Afraid of what you might find, Dan?
If Ted Kopple could go to Vietnam and find a (more sarcasm) "witness" to Kerry's "heroic activity's", why would Ted ignore looking into Kerry and his meetings with the enemy in Paris.? And be sure to overlook the possibility that his actions were still governed by the UCMJ at the time.
Speaking of the UCMJ, John, when did you really leave the Navy? I mean when did your obligation actually expire, not when you decided to leave?
I'm sure Dan learned his lesson. He said so. I'm equally sure he will be looking into all of these questions in the very near future.
LVM
As a non-sports-fan, could someone explain to me Howie's comment about Foxboro?
"closing time"?
Foxboro...Where the New England Patriots play
My thesis is that the DNC was so despirate that they offered Rather/Mapes a million dollars to do something dramatic to counter the Swift Boat Vets truth but it had to be done NOW! They are arrogant and have faked stuff in the past and gotten away with it.
No, this was a "must do immediately!" project and only afterward turned into a heel of the palm to the forehead disaster.
Kerry knew what was going on and lent Rather the same forger that did the Lehman citation forgeries in his fake military record. So, Kerry is also thinking, "what if we hadn't tried the fakes with Rather, at worst, we'd still have Terry's million that I gave to the DNC to give to Rather."
That one is choice. I've never seen it before.
I can't believe it myself -- this sounds and look more like a blistering Texas reporter than a Yankee reporter.
Howie's a UNC grad and his mom's from NC....I think they were kissing cousins of Jesse Helms. I believ his folks are still living down in FL.
Great post.......WOW. Thanks a lot for an excellent read.
He was absent for much of the past 2 years. Maybe just as well--he'd be voting for tax increases anyway.
(ahem) call your program directors and tell them about his radio show (you'll love it). He's on fewer stations
than Air America is right now (and just lost WKVT in
Bratty-boro VT because they're going for Air
Frankenfraud) but really should be on a lot more.
http://www.howiecarr.org
Yeah, some team that won 2 out of the last 3 Super Bowls :)
Too funny, kattracks.
Inexcusable that the country went all the way thru the campaign without one single major paper asking Kerry to sign Form 180 and release his records. None did an investigation of the Lehman signatures (I'm still dying to know what THAT was all about). No serious investigation of the Paris meetings or the Kansas City meeting. No one demanded a more thorough release of Tereza's taxes.
And---I'm sick of hearing the media pat themselves on the back for having been "so tough" on Clinton. Yes, they reported his scandals. But on policy---where it counts!---the only 2 times they even came close to criticizing him was on welfare reform and gays in the military---and their criticism was because he'd gone too far right! They can kid themselves, but they were never "tough" on Clinton politically.
That was fun to read. Thanks!!!
Thank you. I thoroughly enjoyed that.
CLASSIC !
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