Posted on 01/16/2005 7:12:33 AM PST by raccoonradio
You're John Kerry, and this is the worst weekend of your life.
This is the moment when you should be preparing to take the oath of office, trying to figure out how to say, ``So help me God,'' without choking on that last word the way all good Massachusetts liberals do.
You've been globe-trotting for weeks now, bad-mouthing your own country in Third World hellholes, but now you know Joe Louis was right.
You can run but you can't hide. As Hosni Mubarak told you in Cairo, ``You don't have to go home, Senator, but you can't stay here.''
You're John Kerry, and every night sleep eludes you as toss and turn, endlessly pondering the what-ifs:
What if . . . Mary Mapes had had sense enough to go on eBay and buy a 1970 Olympic manual typewriter?
What if . . . dead people and felons were allowed to vote in Ohio like they are in King County, Washington?
What if . . . Bob Shrum had retired one election cycle sooner?
What if . . . Al Gore had never invented the Internet?
You're John Kerry and you can't even go to the game in Foxboro this afternoon, because even if you hid out in Bob Kraft's box, eventually CBS would do a cutaway, and those 60,000 Bush voters in the stands would see you up on the replay screen and give you a worse razzing than the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
This is more painful than ``Christmas in Cambodia,'' worse even than those weekends when you had to sleep on the couch in your ex-brother-in-law's living room.
You're John Kerry, and you flew to Baghdad to rip into someone's ``horrendous judgments'' and ``unbelievable blunders'' - and you weren't even talking about your own campaign for president.
You're John Kerry, and the song they still play when you walk into a room is ``Just a Gigolo,'' not ``Hail to the Chief.''
Here is how bad it is when you lose for president:
You fly to Paris and no one will even give you the number of Suha Arafat, a billionaire heiress who's a little on the chunky side, granted, but considering the fact that she's 25 years younger and a billion dollars richer than Mama T, no self-respecting gigolo could possibly rule her out as a prospect in next year's heiress draft.
You tell the reporters in Paris that you can't speak to them in French because you're ``rusty,'' but you weren't too ``rusty'' to address the Haitians in Florida last October.
You're John Kerry, and these same pajama-clad lowlifes who took down that great American patriot Dan Rather have the audacity to post a photo of you with Chirac in Paris with this caption:
``Est-ce qu'he Jacques, je puis m'obtenir un drapeau blanc ici?''
Translation: ``Hey Jacques, can I get me a white flag here?''
You're John F. Kerry, and don't they know who you are?
It could be worse - you could be Al Gore in 2001. You could have to sit behind Bush on Thursday when he's sworn in. No wonder Al immediately went on the Elvis Presley diet and packed on 50 pounds.
You're just a gigolo, and the saddest thing of all is to realize that even a billion dollars can't buy you the presidency. But what if you had $2 billion?
You're John Kerry, and if somebody could just set you up with Suha, dammit, you know you could turn it around in '08.
You're John Kerry, and you could win, so help you . . . somebody.
bump
schadenfreude
'As a non-sports-fan, could someone explain to me Howie's comment about Foxboro?'
where the Patriots play (today!!) but to get further into it, remember when sKerry and Teresa flew across the country to make a 'surprise' visit to Fenway Park for a big Red Sox/Yankees game?
Since he was so late, they actually held up the game, also forced many ticket holders a great deal of grief going thru extra security, and then he blew out onto the field to throw the first pitch to a local-hero soldier.
FIRST, the crowd started BOO-ING him. The TV stations quick shut down the volume.
He actually threw from in front of the mound (girly)..
his pitch was too short, so it bounced...(girly)
the soldier missed it because it was such a bad pitch, but Kerry told reporters that the 'soldier was nervous, so he threw it easy to him"...(girly)
He returned to his box-seats, (amid boos), posed for a million photos with the soldier and Teresa, then all of a sudden the soldier was shuffled off to like the top row...
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:t02yeDKkSK4J:www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp%3FARTICLE_ID%3D39633+John+Kerry+baseball&hl=en
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:DVqgERp_tG8J:www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp%3Faid%3D8696+John+Kerry+baseball&hl=en
http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:V4xPWJgJIfEJ:www.boston.com/news/politics/president/articles/2004/10/22/the_baseball_bump%3Fpg%3Dfull+John+Kerry+baseball&hl=en
can't get ENOUGH schadenfreude!
I, for one, am going to miss John Kerry. He is everything I hate about the Dems all wrapped up in one easy-to-mock package.
And this is schadenfreudelicious.
Thanks...now I get it.
>>I, for one, am going to miss John Kerry
If you really feel that way, move here to Massachusetts where we're blessed with his presence in the U.S. Senate
until January of 2009... :) *at least*
>>"By stepping up to the podium and saying, "I'm John Kerry, and I'm from Boston -- home of the Boston Red Sox," he will push a button that will make people feel, at least for a few moments, good about things, good about themselves, and good about him."
From the Glob(e), not too surprising
On that Sun. night before the CONvention, when he appeared at Fenway, ESPN kept showing pix of him in the crowd and they actually got him to talk with them in the booth.
Want Kerry to come over to you? Point out you have a TV camera. They don't call him Liveshot for nothing.
Wow. That was fun to read!
LOL - verrry verrry gooooood!
just another reason that i like howie...for those of you who dont get to listen to him you are missing out...
You're John Kerry, and these same pajama-clad lowlifes who took down that great American patriot Dan Rather have the audacity to post a photo of you with Chirac in Paris with this caption:"Est-ce qu'he Jacques, je puis m'obtenir un drapeau blanc ici?"
Translation: "Hey Jacques, can I get me a white flag here?"Ping!
Love Howie Carr! My drive home out of Boston to the South Shore sucks alot of evenings. But Howie makes my day. Sometimes, it's hard to get a good reception inside the tunnel. Know what I mean. Don't you get a kick out of the Kennedy Wizard game he plays. Yahoo to the Howie fans in Boston! BTW, we hate Kennedy/Kerry. We really do. We never vote for either of them but somehow they still get in. The tides turning. More Romneys on the way!
Judging from the number of times he's mentioned it, I'd have to say Vietnam.
Thanks! Does anybody know if Kerry's back in the U.S. yet? He ought to be held accountable for his behavior overseas!imho.
Howie is to be credited for one of Kerry's most penetrating nicknames: LIVESHOT
Kerry earned this name for immediatley getting in front of any rolling videocam connected with a news station.
John Kerry was in Vietnam? You don't say! Who'd have thunk it?
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