American food sucks

The Spectator (U.K.) ^ | 08/21/04 | Ella Windsor

[Pokey78]

Ella Windsor says that if you don’t like pigging out, you won’t much enjoy eating in the US, where The Cheesecake Factory serves portions big enough to kill an ox

My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.

My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.

American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.

British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’

Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.

The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’

The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:

‘Just the turkey, please.’

‘The dish comes that way.’

‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’

‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’

‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’

‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’

‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’

‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’

‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’

So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.

Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.

And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.

[Mackey]

And afterwards, I'll take you to The Koffee Kup in Hico, Texas for a hot cup of good coffee and a slice of their excellent pecan pie.

Incidentally, I was born in Hico (1952).

[Cogadh na Sith]

That was a good article...

Y'know, it's stuff like this:

Is this just how it is in the hinterland, far removed from the more sophisticated dinner tables of Washington DC? Not necessarily, when Washington is run by George Bush of Texas, Dick Cheney of Wyoming, Donald Rumsfeld of Illinois, not to mention Condoleezza Rice, from Alabama herself, and Paul Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld's deputy, who is sometimes suspected of coming from outer space. You may not feel comfortable with the fact that the future of the planet should be decided by the representatives of voters who know so little about it. A good many senior European politicians share that concern.

That makes me want to kick a Euro-peon right in the middle of the ass.

[angcat]

European Southern food! LOL You know those Southerners they love lard and lots of fattening foods. I see that on the Food Network also and I just drool over the food. They do not seem so obsessed with carbs and calories, like I am. Are the French on a Carb kick or is it just in this country?

[normy]

So how does Luby's take the sirloin part of the cow and suck the flavor out of it? Or do they buy their sides of beef pre-sucked?

Well sirloin is not a very good cut to begin with. Have you ever cooked a steak well done in a frying pan or grill? Its alot worse than one grilled medium, or one marinated for a couple of days, then grilled. Certain kinds of beef cows are fed out differently also, so Lubys probably uses a beef that takes less to fatten or else it would cost too much and they would go broke.

If this person thinks American steaks have no flavor he has never been to Ruths Chris or Sullivans. Hell even Texas Land and Cattle or Saltgrass have great steaks.

[B-Chan]

Holy cow, Hico is tiny now. In 1952 it must have been little more than a wide spot in the road.

I stop at The Koffee Kup every time I drive back from Austin or San Antonio. Their lemon chess pie is the best I've ever had, and the pecan pie they serve is worth the drive from Fort Worth. Viva Hico.

[sushiman]

Brooklyn Lager, the Brewery's flagship label, is New York's "hometown" beer, brewed to a pre-Prohibition recipe that dates back to the days when Brooklyn was the brewing capital of the East Coast. Brooklyn Lager has won numerous awards, beginning with a first place finish at the Great American Beer Tasting in New York in 1989, the brewery's second year of operation. Brooklyn Lager was also awarded a Gold Medal in the Vienna Lager category at the Great American Beer Festival in 1992, and was named World Champion Amber Lager by the Beverage Testing Institute in Chicago in 1994. In 1996, it received perhaps its most prestigious award yet, as a panel of judges comprised of brewers and industry experts named the brand, "Best Craft Lager in America." Wrote Michael Jackson in the Simon & Schuster Pocket Guide to Beer: "The dry-hopped, fresh, flowery, firm, flavourful, Brooklyn Lager **-*** started well, in 1988, and has gained in character since."

[stands2reason]

I'm not going to argue about sirloin, you're right on that. I prefer a rib-eye.

Luby's uses the same beef that those other places use, and the only way they'll cook it well done is if you're dumb enough to ask for it that way.

[Melas]

I have to try this beer.

[Atlantic Friend]

No, the Low-Carb thing has crossed the pond - where it only interests dietitians and people obsessed with new diets, for the time being.

Well, as regards Mediterranean food, you have both kinds : the dishes cooked in oil that seem to make your cholesterol go up just by looking at them, and the many well-balanced salads, mixing almost every kind of healthy vegetables. What we call the "Crete diet", or the "Mediterranean diet".

The food in Northern Europe is much more dangerous : they cook fries in fat, they put cream and cheese and lard and potatoes wherever they can, and they generally seem to be hellbent on dying at 45 from an heart attack !

[ItsTheMediaStupid]

That article on Olive Garden isn't about the resturant at all. It is mixed, but on the whole I would say it is positive. And a well written and entertaining article as well.

[steve8714]

Zuppa Toscana is great at lunch with salad. The greens keep it from being just potato soup.

[steve8714]

Vanilla is a sublime aromatic. Perhaps if you would try real Budweiser and walk away from the light beer, you might come to a new appreciation. What is better? Samuel (it's brewed stale!) Adams? Fat Tire? Kansas Red? Anchor?
Bud is the best lager brewed. Period. Anywhere, by any company. If you don't like lager generally, drink something else.

[normy]

Luby's uses the same beef that those other places use, and the only way they'll cook it well done is if you're dumb enough to ask for it that way.

I don't want to rip Lubys in particular. Chili's or any other resturant like that usually has poor steaks. However these resturants do not use the same beef that Ruths Chris or Sullivans uses. True its beef and its not some strange form of beef, it just isn't the top of the line cuts that these other resturants use.

The Japanese Kobe beef feed their beef cows beer and even massage them. Many of the cows used at Ruths Chris are fed out for longer periods of time and use carmels and such in their feed.

[ChefKeith]

Send Your best Chef this way- I'll send that chef back with a tucked tail.

[ChefKeith]

And don't forget the Revolutionary War.

[chilepepper]

i have been to england and tried brit food -- great high tea, clotted cream, scones, etc. didn't like bangers much (maybe i got the kind that were illegally made with wax) -- german sausages are much better.

royal stilton rocks -- the ploughman's lunch is great, even if invented by an advertising bloke in the 1950's to sell more cheese.

love branston pickle, crazy about fish, chips & malt vinegar. so in general i'd say i like brit food, is usually pretty wholesome, but it is easy to make fun of (particularly that green stuff a few posts back), like so many things brit... find the beers and ciders to be GREAT, just way different than german/czech style...

for me, my most bizarre UK food moment was in Cardiff, Cymru. went into a shop that had a square pastry of some sort. i thought it was a cake with white icing -- surprise! it was some kind of bread topped with cold mashed potatoes. pretty dreadful...

[MurryMom]

One of the problems with Republican dupes in general is that they regard balanced budget conservatives (like MurryMom and others) as "liberals".

Your fearless leader, little Dumbya, changed course from promising to use up for his tax cuts only a small part of the Clinton budget surplus, to raiding the SS trust fund for giveaways resulting in no new jobs over 3.5 years time. And yet Dumbya's dupes persist in alleging that Sen. Kerry is the flip-flopper.

If favoring a balanced federal budget has become "liberal" then MurryMom pleads "guilty as charged". I'm old fashioned enough to remember when words like "liberal" and "conservative" had actual meanings closer to their roots.

[Xenalyte]

You never did tell me how tall you are.

[kat1776]

<<>> Nah its not stupid considering the overwhelming public opinion about america in europe. I am not denying the existence of conservative europeans but they are few and far between.

[kat1776]

oh and that is a top notch argument right there.

I am entitled to my opinions on europe. i have seen the photos from germany where they made giant paper mache statues of our president that were insulting. i have seen all the anti american stuff.

and i am entitled to think that europeans are in general annoying when it comes to politics.