Yummmmmmm!
Real Food!
Posted on 08/19/2004 7:01:22 AM PDT by Pokey78
My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.
My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.
American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.
British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’
Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.
The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’
The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.
Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.
And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.
Hey Ella, No one who matters, (that would be US) gives a crap what you think.
You and the rest of your brit food snobs can go pound sand.
AMERICAN FOOD RULES
AMERICANS FIRST
the cheesecake factory is a great restaurant. If britain had a restaurant that served food as good as the stuff in c.f. then perhaps there would be less complaints about their food.
the europeans are jealous of everything america does.
When I was in Englad the supermarkets were very similar to the ones here in the states. In fact - the one I frequented most had a much nicer selection of bread than the one I shop at here at home. Nice crusty breads.
The one thing I had to get used to was the fact that they really didn't have 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee. I used a light cream - now THAT was more of a treat.
Overall - the grocery was just like here. And this was in a very small town.
You haven't had Amish noodles, fried chicken, roast turkey and beef, three-bean salad and creamed corn. Then again, there is salad, but most everyone knows salad. Or maybe a good burger or steak? How about some scallops or shrimp? Or maybe some berries? Care for some mashed potatoes? What about some pie? Sugar pie, strawberry-rhubarb pie, blackberry pie, Dutch apple pie, cherry pie, peach pie, blueberry pie, shoo fly pie, lemon meringue pie, banana cream pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie? American food isn't good?
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
Yeah right, isn't that scene from easy riders?
The solution is simple. Don't come to America.
is it just me or do the europeans seem like a collective bunch of whiners?
And of course, if you ever find your way to Atlanta give me a buzz. We'll make sure you eat well, whether you prefer old-fashioned Southern cooking or the haute-est of the haute cuisine. Of course, there's always Chez An American Mother . . . I learned from my father, who is practically a professional (my mother on the other hand could burn water) and my company-cooking bibles are Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking and Marcella Hazan's Classic Italian Cooking. (For day-to-day I rely on the old Irma Rombauer Joy of Cooking. There is no better basic cookbook.)
LOL... I had no idea Heinz makes (their version of) "Spotted Dick" - in a can, no less! I remember seeing it on the menu in just about every pub we stopped in in the UK a few years ago.
I just posted that pic to add some humor to this thread... I'm not making fun of British cuisine. My husband and I have had some great (and some not-so great) meals in England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales over the years... ;-)
"No one who matters, (that would be US) gives a crap what you think.
You and the rest of your brit food snobs can go pound sand.
AMERICAN FOOD RULES
AMERICANS FIRST"
You see, this is just the type of attitude that we see from a small minority of Americans that gets the USA (populated in the main by decent charming people) a bad name.
You stayed in the wrong B&Bs. Last time I was in England the food was delicious. Fat farm-fresh sausages, eggs with golden yolks trembling in a sea of perfectly set whites, white puddings, black puddings, lovely homegrown tomatoes sliced crosswise and fried to buttery perfection with a healthy portion of mushrooms in accompaniment, and plates of fried brown bread to mop up with before rolling out of your chair and setting off on a hike through the gorgeous british countryside.
And don't even get me started on lunch :D
British food is spoofed for entertainment and educational use only.
DEAD BISHOP by Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Mother: (turning off radio) Liberal rubbish! Klaus!
Klaus: Yeah?
Mother: Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
Klaus: 'Alibut.
Mother: The jugged fish -- IS -- 'alibut!
Klaus: Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?
Mother: Rabbit.
Klaus: What, rabbit fish?
Mother: Uuh, yes...it's got fins....
Klaus: Is it dead?
Mother: Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.
Klaus: All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
[Voiceover: One dead unjugged rabbit fish later.]
Klaus: (putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.
Mother: Aaw, you're always complainin'!
Klaus: Wha's for afters?
Mother: Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
Klaus: (eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?
Mother: Well, it's got *some* rat in it.
Klaus: 'Ow much?
Mother: Three. A lot, really.
Klaus: Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
[Voiceover: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later.]
Klaus: (putting down fork and knife) Appalling.
Mother: Moan , moan, moan!
Son: (coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.
Klaus: 'Ello son.
Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!
Klaus: Really?
Mother: Where's it from?
Son: Waddya mean?
Mother: What's its diocese?
Son: Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...
Klaus: (getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.
Mother: I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....
Son: It's not me!
Mother: I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't touch 'em!
Klaus: (coming back in) Leicester.
Mother: 'Ow d'you know?
Klaus: Tattooed on the back o' the neck. I'll call the police.
Mother: Shouldn't you call the church?
Son: Call the church police!
Klaus: All right. (shouting) The Church Police!
(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
(the church police burst in the door)
Detective: What's all this then, Amen!
Mother: Are you the church police?
All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!
Mother: There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!
Detective: Uh, Detective Parsons, madam. I see... suffrican, or diocisian?
Mother: 'Ow should I know?
Detective: It's tatooed on the back o' their neck. (spying the tart) 'Ere, is that
rat tart?
Mother: (suspectful) yes.
Detective: Disgusting! Right! Men, the chase is on! Now we should all
kneel! (they all kneel)
All: O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Lester!
*thunder*
Voice of the Lord: The one in the gray says he’s done it!
Klaus: It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
Detective: Agreed. We'll be charging them too.
Klaus: I'd like you to take the three boddlabin into consideration.
Detective: Right. I'll now ask you all to conclude this harrest with a hymn.
All: All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The church has beat them all.
Amen.
When visiting an historic pub on Fleet Street in London a few years ago I was shocked to see hundreds of cans of Budweiser. They lined the window ledges and were all over the old and ornate back bar. A waitress told me Bud was taking London by storm. I did my patriotic duty and ordered one and it was served room temperature warm -- Yuck! At least the local bitters (wonderful!) were refreshingly cool from being cellared.
Food For Thought...or maybe not
Furthermore, the wondrous selection of pastries, sweets, cheeses and dairy products in your average Tesco must be seen to be believed.
It is true that Scotland has great beef, though....
if you can't stand the snob-war heat then get out of the kitchen.
(most pro american stuff is said in response to anti-american comments. I used to be a very moderate patriot but now i live breath and die by the flag. Sept. 11 and the euro reaction to bush changed everything for me.
My parents live on the GA coast, and we go down to the shrimp fleet dock with a bucket and buy shrimp straight out of the sorter for dirt cheap . . . and for considerably less you can buy it straight out of the net but you have to pick out the weeds, shells, small dead fish, etc. Crab cakes fresh with just enough eggs and flour to hold them together . . . no lobster of course and I don't eat oysters, but ohhhhhh those shrimp and crabs! Plus, unlike Maine, they know how to fry a chicken so if you get tired of shrimp . . . :-D
LMAO
Yummmmmmm!
Real Food!
Hmmmm. No contest.
Just damn.
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