Columbine: Parents of a Killer

After I wrote a column a few weeks ago about the 1999 shootings at Columbine High School, I got e-mail from Tom Klebold, the father of Dylan Klebold, one of the shooters. Tom objected to the column, but the striking thing about his note was that while acknowledging the horrible crime his son had committed, Tom was still fiercely loyal toward him. Which prompts this question: If your child commits a crime like that, what do you do with the rest of your life?

Tom and Susan Klebold have not really spoken to the press about all this. But the lawsuits against them are being settled, and they trust The New York Times, which is the paper they read every day, so they were willing to have a long conversation with me this week.

They are a well-educated, reflective, highly intelligent couple (Dylan was named after Dylan Thomas). During our conversation they discussed matters between themselves, as well as answering my questions. Their son, by the way, is widely seen as the follower, who was led by Eric Harris into this nightmare.

The Klebolds describe the day of the shootings as a natural disaster, as a "hurricane" or a "rain of fire." They say they had no intimations of Dylan's mental state. Tom, who works from home and saw his son every day, had spent part of the previous week with Dylan scoping out dorm rooms for college the next year.

When they first heard about the shootings, it did not occur to them that Dylan could be to blame. When informed, Susan said, "we ran for our lives." They went into hiding, desperate for information. "We didn't know what had happened," she said. "We couldn't grieve for our child."

That first night, their lawyer said to them, "Dylan isn't here anymore for people to hate, so people are going to hate you." Even as we spoke this week, Tom had in front of him the poll results, news stories and documents showing that 83 percent of Americans had believed the parents were partly to blame. Their lives are now pinioned to this bottomless question: Who is responsible?

They feel certain of one thing. "Dylan did not do this because of the way he was raised," Susan said. "He did it in contradiction to the way he was raised."

After the shooting, they faced a simple choice: to move away and change their names, or to go back and resume their lives. Susan thinks about leaving every day. "I won't let them win," Tom said. "You can't run from something like this."

So they live in the same house and work at the same jobs. Susan works in the community college system. "It's amazing how long it took me to get up and say my name at a meeting, to say, `I'm Dylan Klebold's mother,' " Susan says. "Dylan could have killed any number of the kids of people that I work with."

In general, Tom said, "most people have been good-hearted." Their friends rallied around. Their neighbors call to warn them if an unfamiliar car lurks in the neighborhood. There is a moment of discomfort when they hand over a credit card at a store, but there have been few bad scenes. One clerk looked at the name and remarked to Susan, "Boy, you're a survivor, aren't you."

The most infuriating incident, Susan said, came when somebody said, "I forgive you for what you've done." Susan insists, "I haven't done anything for which I need forgiveness."

When they talk about the event, they discuss it as a suicide. They acknowledge but do not emphasize the murders their son committed. They also think about the signs they missed. "He was hopeless. We didn't realize it until after the end," Tom said. Susan added: "I think he suffered horribly before he died. For not seeing that, I will never forgive myself."

They believe that what they call the "toxic culture" of the school — the worship of jocks and the tolerance of bullying — is the primary force that set Dylan off. But they confess that in the main, they have no explanation.

"I'm a quantitative person," said Tom, a former geophysicist. "We're not qualified to sort this out." They long for some authoritative study that will provide an answer. "People need to understand," Tom said, "this could have happened to them."

My instinct is that Dylan Klebold was a self-initiating moral agent who made his choices and should be condemned for them. Neither his school nor his parents determined his behavior. Now his parents have been left with the terrible consequences. I'd say they are facing them bravely and honorably.

Now you have 2 very challenging questions!

1)No. I almost all my life felt Chinese had enough children, I didn't need to help them. Besides that, I chose to help those already brought into the world have a better life rather than have my own. PART of the reason was my own crazy childhood. There was enough pain and craziness in my own extended family and nuclear family, I was NOT ABOUT TO visit that sort of stuff on a child. And, I was a bit reasonably concerned that IF I had children, I'd want to spend all my time with them and wouldn't make enough $$$ to feed them.

Now--considering the usual criticisms about that, I can only offer this:

1) My parents adopted a baby girl when I was 10. Mother was determined that no son of hers was going to dump all the child care on the wife. She insisted that I do the 02:30 in the morning feedings for a while in addition to changing and washing diapers.

2) I've lived with other families and shared child care duties and loving for up to 18 months at a time with various aged children.

3) I knew a 50 year missionary lady in Taiwan who had had 12 kids. She said she always cherished the input from the childless. That they often had the best advice that was practical and effective. She had a rare attitude about that.

4) I HAVE MOST DEFINITELY by God's Grace made much better or mostly solved the messes those with children have made of their children's lives in the lives of between 1,000 and 3,000 children--depending on the seriousness of the criteria one uses. CERTAINLY, IF IT DOESN'T WORK, TOSS IT--TRY SOMETHING ELSE--ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE REMOTELY HEALTHY AND LOVING!

THE LOOK IN THE EYE--DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS. That's a virtually impossible task.

I think meanness, rebellion and defiance--if one sees such things in the eyes of a child--it's very serious--especially if it's more than a rare occasion. If you watch children's eyes every where you go--or even just your own children's eyes--keeping in mind those issues--you'll learn the differences.

A more difficult look in the eye to catch is the chronic people pleaser and the super manipulator--which are often one and the same. They can be very gifted at looking sweet, helpless, even waif-like garnering all the sympathy and compliance to their wishes from the parents and siblings. When underneath, there's great contempt for everyone else. Typically, they've been hyper sensitive at an early age--and felt trashed, uncared for, unloved--perhaps even hated--rightly or wrongly on the part of their perceptions. And at some point early on decided [not necessarily conscioiusly decided] to blazes with it all, they'll just manipulate out of everyone in a very cynical way--whatever they can get.

Life becomes a strictly economic exchange and instead of love--they covet and go to great lengths to get things and other people's compliance as proof that they are worth breathing air and taking up space. Usually, they have internalized some very early parental message that they aren't worth bothering with genuinely. Sometimes the message wasn't THAT greatly there but given their hypersensitivity--they construed it that way and the parents didn't catch it or didn't know how [and weren't willing to search long enough to find someone who did] or decided they couldn't pay the price to overcome it.

One way you can get some clue about the look in the eye thing is to stand in front of a mirror. Consider the constructs, attitudes etc. I've mentioned above--such as defiance. Close your eyes--think of something you used to feel real defiant about. Start to feel it. Then imagine the person you most felt it toward--imagine that they are in front of you. Open your eyes and look in the mirror. You can do the same thing with each of those constructs, attitudes, feelings.

You can also ask God [as I did at a young age] to help you know what it's like to feel inside the other person's skin. If you are serious and faithful to ask, as well as to obey Him in what He tells you to do to grow in that way, He will answer that prayer.

And, when you see your child [or anyone else, for that matter] with a certain look that puzzles you--focus on the look enough that you can match it--mimic it as authentically as you can. You could do it then and there or privately in front of your mirror. When you feel you have the look down well, focus on how you feel holding that look. That can give you a good clue about what's going on in your child.

And, you can simply ask God--what's my child/that person feeling, thinking right now? Why?

And, with most people, asking WHY is counter productive because it feels like an accusation. USUALLY, IN MARRIAGES AND WITH TEENS, IT'S BETTER TO AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS AT ALL. a good exercise toward that is to commit to one's spouse to go a whole month without asking a single question. You learn to make statements.

--I'm unaware of your plans about the evening.
--I'm unaware of the best time for dinner.
--I'm pondering about the wisest time for dinner.
--I don't know the best way to be thoughtful toward you, today.
--I'm puzzled about the origin of your statement.
--I'm curious about the source of that look on your face.
--I'm interested in the thoughts that preceded that tone of voice.
--I don't know if you thought of any possible alternatives to that action or not. I don't know if you considered the different results the different alternative actions might have produced, or not.
--I'm puzzled about your expectations of me at the moment.
--I'm interested in knowing your hopes about our time together the next 4 hours.
--I'm interested in planning my day/week. But I want to maximize my matching and helpfulness to your plans. It would help if I knew them.

etc.

Mileage may vary.

Blessings,

I have 5 children, and I think Quix has pretty well hit the nail on the head. There's no guarantee against a child 'going wrong', but you sure do lower the chances if a child KNOWS and FEELS that you love them.

As for me - that's the main reason why I have always stayed at home with my children, even through some very difficult financial times. We also homeschool. I want my children to know that I value them enough to sacrifice my own time for them. I'm intelligent enough to have a very highly paid career... but my children are more important. Period.

I don't think Klebold's parents taught him to hate, or to blow people up. But for some reason, he apparently didn't feel important to them. One thing that kept me on the straight and narrow as a child, teen and young adult, was knowing how badly it would hurt my parents if I screwed up.

Again, there are NO guarantees. But having a one-on-one relationship with your children really does lower the odds!

I've made some mistakes with my kids, and it's usually been because of my own selfishness, or laziness. Not wanting to bother to find out what was really making them tick. I regret every time I've done that!

They are still ultimately responsible for their own actions, but they were given parents for a reason. "Train up a child in the way he SHOULD go..."

Thanks, Quix, for your posts. It's made me renew my own commitment.

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