James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[RightWingAtheist]

Just reason #4783 why the Grammys are meaningless :-)

[Physicist]

Never heard of it. ;^)

[FreedomAvatar]

Hold me closer
Tony Danza

--that's what it sounds like to me :-)

[BSunday]

Gee thanks, and here' one for you...

Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl...

buwhahahahahah

[Rollee]

You cruel, cruel man. I had to finish reading this thread, it has taken several days, and here I find that you posted that hideous "Muskrat Love" travesty. Did you get pleasure from this henious act?

[babaloo999]

Did a quick search of musicians on the song and my guess is Billy Cobham.

[Willie Green]

Did you get pleasure from this henious act?

I can be much more cruel than that.

Oh,
A B C , It´s easy as
1 2 3 , as simple as
do re mi, A B C, 1 2 3
baby you and me girl
A B C it´s easy, it´s like counting up to 3
singing simple melodies
that´s how easy love can be
singing simple melodies
1 2 3 baby you and me

[Rollee]

That's just wrong, plain wrong. I can't look at that freakazoid jackson without having nightmares. Now here's a soundtrack to go with the nightmare.

I wish I could post bagpipe music back at you.

[xp38]

Currently I heard Bryan Adams is living in England and occasionally pops up in concert over here.

[Lijahsbubbe]

Sung by the Buoys from Northeast PA in the early 70's. A group that I went to college with.

As long as you didn't go out to eat with them...

[TheBigB]

I like Copacabana, so nyaah nyaah! :^)

[blowfish]

Did a quick search of musicians on the song and my guess is Billy Cobham.

'Billy Cobham' is correct!

[RightWingAtheist]

The same way a Beatlemaniac has never heard of Magical Mystery Tour?:2)

[sully777]

List of modern nasties

Superman (It's Not Easy) --Five For Fighting
I Only Want To Be With You-- Booty and the Ho-fish
Dada--Dada
I Don't Know Why-- Nora Jones
I Am Beautiful -- Christina Agulera

MOST DEPRESSING SONG OF ALL TIME: Without You -- Performed by Harry Nillson and Mariah Carey. Written by Peter Ham and Tom Evans of Badfinger, the guys that later committed suicide.

MOST DEPRESSING GROUP OF ALL TIME: Carpenters. Only group in history that makes happy songs depressing. Who knew they had problems?

[sully777]

Funniest advice for bad songs came from an MTV VJ by the name of Kevin Seals inthe 1980's. Seals made an offhand suggestion to replace LOVE in any song with LUNCH.

Shake Your Lunch -- Debbie Gibson
I'm Ready For Lunch -- Bad Company
All You Need Is Lunch -- Beatles
Lunch Shack -- B-52's

[L.N. Smithee]

Tommy Roe's "Dizzy" and "Sweet Pea" are dreadful, almost as bad as Buddy Knox's "Party Doll" and Fabian's "Turn Me Loose."

[sully777]

1) WHAT WERE THEY THINKING GOES MEGAHIT category

Jump/I'll Wait -- Van Halen

You and Me -- Alice Cooper

2) ROCK SONGS THAT GO ON FOREVER FOR NO REASON category

Hey Jude/She So Heavy -- Beatles

Suzy Q (long version) -- CCR

Jessica -- Allman Bros.

Freebird (concert version) -- Lynard Skynard

Any song from YES

[capitan_refugio]

What are you? Nuts??
96 Tears is a classic!

My nomination is "Timothy" by the Buoys.
It was written by Rupert Holmes, who also gave us the real sucky "Pina Colada Song."

"Timothy" was about cannibalism.

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Were Joe and me and Tim
When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Were Joe and me

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don't I know?

Hungry as hell no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat
Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, "I'll have a swig
And then there's some for you."

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then
'Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy

Timothy...

[capitan_refugio]

Eres Tu

Amigo, esa canción es una obra clásica.

[BSunday]

Dang. If that's the case then I give up.