James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[BSunday]

Alone Again Naturally definitely belongs in the top ten, on the strength of the lyrics alone.

[BSunday]

That reminds me of Hannitys intro song "That's Just The Way It Is" Kinda ironic he would play the music to that liberal piece of socialist crap song.

PS Sean if you are lurking please don't get insulted. We still like you (just quit acting like a baby!)

[L.N. Smithee]

Its a shame that the chick on that show turned out to be a big lesbo feminist liberal.

You're referring to California State Senator Sheila James Kuehl, who is now the most tenured member of the Golden State's wing of the Gay-stapo. She claims that there was a spinoff of Dobie Gillis in development starring her when rumors that she was a lesbian scuttled the project. I know of no independent evidence backing that up.

[BSunday]

OH Jeez! NOw I have it in my head -
My name is Luca
I live on the second floor....arrrrgh.

[BSunday]

Driver's Seat was another baaad tune, I just remembered

What ??? Surely you jest. I liked Drivers Seat. It's good for road trips.

[BSunday]

"Signs" by the 5 Man Electrical Band

Good coice. These are the words that really get me...

"What gives you the right..to put up a fence to keep me out.....

Uh, cause it's my propery, you socialist hippie long haired faggot !!

[BSunday]

What the heck is this song about, anyways?

It's about an imaginary popular rock group "Bennie and The Jets" coming to town.

[BSunday]

ANY song by Billy Ray Cyrus!!!

Apparently you've never heard the extremely patriotic and artistic "Some Gave All", have you ??

[Lee'sGhost]

rap song = oxymoron

[sultan88]

"How about the one about cannabalism - "Timothy, Timothy, Where On Earth Did You Go"..."

Sung by the Buoys from Northeast PA in the early 70's. A group that I went to college with.

[weegee]

I'm pretty clueless on Country...

I'm pretty clueless about modern Nash-Vegas country but I know that it is all irrelevant to a discussion of WORST ROCK SONGS. Same with all of this sensitive 70s pap.

We can trash Carly Simon because she is in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. She's a rocker, who knew?

[weegee]

Since all of these songs were hit records how could any of them be the worst songs?

Milli Vanilli won a Grammy even though they didn't sing.

Payola still reigns in the music business. There are plenty of Corporate Crap Rock songs that hit high on the charts.

If a song never makes the charts, especially something released as a single, is it automatically inferior to anything that ever placed in the top 10?

[capt. norm]

Yeah...I used to like the Sugar Hill Gang and my wife used to do her exercises to Xavier's "Work That Sucker to Death". The lyrics and all were just too perfect, for that use, to pass it up.

[Mudboy Slim]

"Sung by the Buoys from Northeast PA in the early 70's. A group that I went to college with."

Dam, Sultan, that makes you "almost famous"...MUD

BTW...when I was Asst. Social Chairman fer my fraternity in the early 80's, I helped book--then helped set up fer--the Dave Matthews Band. They rocked our House.

[Mudboy Slim]

"IMO: Mellow Yellow, Free Bird"

BOOOO..."FReeBird" ROCKS...MUD

[Pravious]

"Anything by Yoko Ono."

No, no. Same rule as "rap." Has to count as music first, before counting as bad music...

[PBRSTREETGANG]

Pretty good list. (Although I liked 99 Luftballoons in the original German. That may have had something to do with a fact that I had a crush on Nena, even though she didn't shave her pits.)

[mitch5501]

"If we are going to start disecting lyrics then Van Hagar is going to have to be taken to task for things like "Only time will tell if we'll stand the test of time"

LOL choice!

How's this from German outfit Eloy..."that's the reason why I wish to think of everything to be alright"

[An.American.Expatriate]

Well, having read *most* of the posts, I have to say that my vote wasn't there!

Almost cut my Hair by David Crosby from "Déja Vu" (1979) [Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young] is not only the worst Rock & Roll song ever, it is probably in the Top 10 of the worst songs ever!

[babaloo999]

That seems to be the prevailing attitude of the general public. After all, if a song doesn't get massive airplay it must really suck. My music collection sucks big-time.