James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Axenolith]

Rock, by default, should be defined as being by bands that have a high propensity for one or more members to choke to death on their own vomit, OD, or get maimed or killed doing majorly stupid things or BY people doing the same or ordered to do so by the rocker (that latter covers most of the aircraft wrecks). Using that as a benchmark you start getting lists that weed out all of the wussy bands and end up with real rock bands like AC\DC, Jimmy Hendricks, Led Zeppelin, Def Leppard, Lynard Skynard, Ozzy, etc...

[Axenolith]

I was just at an antique truck show this weekend and a guy with 2 immaculate 1950's low production Macks was playing that song about every 10 minutes :-)

[Gillmeister]

ANY song by Billy Ray Cyrus!!!

[Axenolith]

Is that the "achy breaky" guy? I'm pretty clueless on Country...

I do know when you play the albums backwards you get your girl back, the truck starts running and your dog re-animates...

[Afronaut]

Hands down the worst EVER:

Kid Rock feat. Sheryl Crow
Picture

(Kid Rock) Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried the day
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you I'm lyin' next to her

(Sherly Crow)
I called you lastnight in the hotel
Everyone knows but they wont tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin' just ain't right
I been waitin' on you for a long time
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in 3 damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

(Kid Rock)
It was the same ole same "how have you been"

(Both)
Since you been gone my worlds been dark and grey

(Kid Rock)
You reminded me of brighter days

(Sheryl Crow)
I hoped you were comin' home to stay
I was headin' to church

(Kid Rock)
I was off to drink you away

(Both)
I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't nderstand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say, I love you come back home

[Rollee]

You have such an accurate description of that scumbag! His wife is another one. I dislike "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow" very much but not as much as "Midnight at the Oasis" or "Muskrat Love". "Jeramiah was a Bullfrog" makes me want to hurl.

[Rollee]

I'm barfing right along with you, Jeff, I'm barfing right right now.

[Rightwing Conspiratr1]

IMHO, bad is "City" is, it's not the worst song Starship recorded. I think that honor should go to "Magician," followed ever so closely by "Black Widow" and "Mary" ("I love her, but I will never marry Mary...")

Well it is a list of songs that were hits, probably on the top ten at one time or another. Since all of these songs were hit records how could any of them be the worst songs?

[Clemenza]

I can tolerate "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" more than the other Donny Kirshner-penned bubblegum classics, only because it was featured in a totally insane (and therefore funny to me), Terry Gilliam-penned Monty Python sketch.

[Clemenza]

Bob (Gilligan) Denver was cool. Do you remember him as a beatnik (Maynard G. Krebs) in Dobie Gillis?

After his bust for MJ a few years back, its cool to see that ol Bob was still a beatnick at heart. Toke on Maynard!

Its a shame that the chick on that show turned out to be a big lesbo feminist liberal.

[BSunday]

How about "Pac Man Fever"

[L.N. Smithee]

Well it is a list of songs that were hits, probably on the top ten at one time or another. Since all of these songs were hit records how could any of them be the worst songs?

That is like saying a movie can't be among the best if it didn't make more money than, say, Weekend at Bernie's, or that Pauly Shore is funnier than Bill Cosby because his movies have made more money.

But I think it is accepted that the list is made up of songs that it is likely people have heard.

[BSunday]

A bad song is a song that doesn't sell. Period.

I respectfully disagree.

[L.N. Smithee]

ANY song by Billy Ray Cyrus!!!

"Achy Breaky Heart" was #2 on the Blender list.

[BSunday]

perhaps, employing a hitherto unknown definition of the word 'great'.

Yeah. Great as in "Great balls of fire, who wrote that CRAPPY song !!????"

[Tribune7]

I like that song. Couldn't believe I'd actually like a song with Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock.

[BSunday]

Serious as that FBI Agent knocking at your door.

"Dave's not here, man"

[BSunday]

MacArthur Park

MacArthur Park as rendered by trumpet player Maynard Ferguson is one of the coolest instrumentals ever. IMO

[BSunday]

I think one that should have been in the group you mentioned was "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" anti war protest song.

[L.N. Smithee]

MacArthur Park as rendered by trumpet player Maynard Ferguson is one of the coolest instrumentals ever. IMO

What he did with the theme to Star Trek was amazing.