James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[King Prout]

"Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree"

ok, you just upped the stakes by making me remember the entire gestalt of the pre-Reagan late 1970's

[Clemenza]

Agreed. See post above regarding "Run Joey Run"

I remember another one: "Daddy Don't You Come So Fast" by Wayne Newton. Yeah Wayne, no wonder Johnny Carson thought you were Liberace's boyfriend.

[King Prout]

I have no idea: *I* never watched the show.
neener-neener-nee-ner!

[TheBigB]

*sniff* I like those songs... :((

Let's commisserate...I like 'em too! :) I am a huge fan of cheesy 70s and 80s rock. I have We Built This City on 45, as well as One Night In Bangkok, Sunglasses at Night, You Belong to the City (Glenn Frey), Afternoon Delight, etc. etc. Worst rock song -to me- is 'til tuesday's "Voices Carry"...I can never get over the end of the video, with Aimee Mann standing up in a theater screaming, "He said shut up...he said shut up..." And I think, "Well, I can hardly blame him." :)

Nobody's mentioned Suzanna Vega's "Luka" or "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina & the Waves yet?

[Tribune7]

Just for that I'm going to mention Lump.

If you've never heard it you're safe. If you have Hahahahahahahahahahahh!

[TheBigB]

I do not recall who did it, actually I am blessed ot not remember even the tune, but I do remember how bitterly I loathed it and its ghastly popularity.

Ten bucks says it was "Think of Laura" by Christopher Cross. :)

[Tribune7]

Nobody's mentioned Suzanna Vega's "Luka

YES! THAT'S IT. THE WORST SONG OF ALL TIME!!!!

[TheBigB]

"Come Sail Away", Styx.

[Clemenza]

"Jimmy Cracked Corn" was a favorite song of the first Republican President of the United States.

A certain German dictator was a fan of "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf" and often played it repeatedly on his phonograph.

[King Prout]

"LUKA"

I take it I should count myself fortunate in not knowing wth you are talking about?

[Tribune7]

Yes.

[TheBigB]

Actually I never thought it was a bad song...it's just that so many others seemed to. :)

[Tribune7]

Styx. The 70s were a pretty bad time for music.

[King Prout]

I am beginning to remember a bit of it (dammit!)
"Hey Laura..."
that's all I will tolerate remembering.
*thumping head forcefully*
eis rei domine...
dona eius requiem...
*thump*

[weegee]

(Comic Book Store Guy, The Simpsons)

You mean this guy?

[dts32041]

So, I like Minnie Ripperton and rotary Connection. Not hurting me any.

[Miss Marple]

Here's another one:

Knock three times on the ceiling if you love me,
Twice on the pipe, if the answer is no.

Ugh. Now I have THAT one running through my head!!

[King Prout]

domoarigato ricky-ricardo...

[TheBigB]

Aw, come on! the late 70s/early 80s was a golden time...Styx, Foreigner, Journey, and 38 Special. My Golden Quartet! LOL

[weegee]

ANYTHING by Milli Vanilli

That's a joke right? "Milli Vanilli" never sang those songs.