James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[cowtowney]

"The worst song is right here.....http://www.pathcom.com/~boby/lsd.htm"

How about a little warning before you let someone listen to that. Jeesh! That was painful.

[FreedomCalls]

The link is broken.

[John Lenin]

I nominate the song 'Havin My Baby' as one of the worst rock songs. Don't know who did it because I never listened to it all the way to end to find out.

[sully777]

Foreigner's "Cold as Ice"

---

Ah yes! The song that took Sesame Street's theme song intro and turned it into a constant, annoying hook. Next time you listen to the intro, start singing:
Come and play
everything's okay

[weegee]

http://www.pathcom.com/~boby/lsd.htm

[AGreatPer]

The worst songs are ones that we never heard of.

The Four Lads had a song sandwiched between "Moments to Remember" and "Standing On The Corner", called "The Average Jeraffe". The words went something like this:

Oliooa onga, wonga, aukie, gauckie, thats the average geraff.

Honest, it was horrable so no one heard of it.

[RightWingAtheist]

Thanks to Stainmaster, Sweet's "Little Willie" has gone from a forgettable seventies ditty to a hilarious novelty piece. Just listen to the lyrics very carefully...

[xzins]

Sugar, honey honey (or something like that) is the all time worst song ever bar none i don't care what anyone else says

mellow yellow makes me turn the radio off

[RightWingAtheist]

I would think higher of the song were it not for the "Benny! Benny Benny! Benny" in the chorus. It's almost as bad as the endless "Nah nah nah nah nah nah" in "Hey Jude".

[Doohickey]

Gonna go to Tijuana
Eat some barbequed iguana
I'm on the Mexican whoa-oh
Radio

[Howlin]

OMG, that is DREADFUL!

[Valin]

Worst rock song ever?
Easy.
"My baby does the hanky panky"
Tommy James and the Shondells

[Howlin]

How on earth did this thread get this many posts without this song?

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE (Debbie Boone)

So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
You've come along

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I'm turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

It can't be wrong
When it feels so right
'Cause You
You light up my life

[RightWingAtheist]

Maybe they could reunite and tour with Phantom Planet.

[Euro-American Scum]

My pretty obvious choice for REALLY Bad Song is "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band. But you could add in anything by Air Supply, Seals & Croft, Christopher Cross and all the other wussy-rockers played on the radio in the 70s and 80s.

Well, they're all excellent choices. But I cast my vote for anything by K. C. and the Sunshine Band, particulary that monstrosity That's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it.

Now you've done it. It will be two days before I get that disgusting tune out of my head.

[skinkinthegrass]

My pretty obvious choice for REALLY Bad Song is "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band. But you could add in anything by Air Supply

*sniff* I like those songs... :((

[Euro-American Scum]

"Havin' My Baby"

I'll see your "Havin' My Baby" and raise you "Torn Between Two Lovers".

[Libloather]

I don't have to have the bad tracks!

John allowed WAY too many Yoko songs to slip through the cracks. I do believe one album may have 50/50 Lennon/Ono tunes. Beware. Demand half-price...

[nuconvert]

LoL.

Oh, you can do better than that.

[Howlin]

Way too many? How about all of them?