James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[L.N. Smithee]

EWWWWWWW! Who the heck recorded that?

That's almost as sick as Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy"!

[L.N. Smithee]

It's pronounced "Duke of Oil".

Ah...another fan of Steve Martin's funniest movie, The Man With Two Brains.

[L.N. Smithee]

I know that's supposed to be a hand carrying a fencing sword, but........y'know......never mind.

[L.N. Smithee]

spent about a day listening to a layered mix of the Dr. Who theme music (from the good old Tom Baker days, thank the lord)

Before sports arenas rediscovered "Rock and Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter, I heard a mix of it with the Doctor Who theme ("Doctor Who-oo-oo-oo! HEY! Doctor Who!") on the Dr. Demento show.

[L.N. Smithee]

Every time I flipped by The Nashville Network (back when it was called the Nashville Network), it seemed that they'd be playing a commercial for a "Best of Ray Stevens" collection.

That video was the best-selling in the USA for most of that year, thanks to that commercial.

[highlander_UW]

No, I'm more of a chablis and brie kinda guy.

Hopefully domestic and not French!

[highlander_UW]

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark All the sweet, green icing flowing down Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take it 'Cause it took so long to bake it And I'll never have that recipe again Oh, no!

While certainly not a classic, I don't have the problem with MacArthur park others appear to have. Perhaps I can relate to story that might help.

There was a class (I don't recall if it was philosophy or psychology) that decided to analyze the lyrics and came up with a big long explanation of all of the deep meanings of the song. They wrote the songwriter and asked how close they were and he mocked them because there WAS no meaning to the lyrics. He wrote that the words just fit together. Anytime self important professors get put in their place in front of their classes it's a good day.

[L.N. Smithee]

["We Built This City" is] not a bad choice. It is a pretty awful song. Sadly a few of their other choices were good songs that were overplayed until you wanted to walk down to the local radio station with an AK-47 and take them off the air.

IMHO, bad is "City" is, it's not the worst song Starship recorded. I think that honor should go to "Magician," followed ever so closely by "Black Widow" and "Mary" ("I love her, but I will never marry Mary...")

[L.N. Smithee]

"Sex" by Berlin belongs on this list too.

Oh, yes, Berlin. The first garage synth band to hit it big.

[Erasmus]

"I am strong,
I am invincible,
I AM WOMAN" /puking all over the floor...

Now that you mention it, ANYthing by Helen Reddy, but ESPECIALLY that....

And while we're on the subject of inane feminist songs, how about that ditty that Dr Laura uses:

"I'm feelin' good from my head to my toe......"

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!

[highlander_UW]

You reminded me of Bobby Sherman!

EASY COME EASY GO

Bobby Sherman

Takin the shade out of the sun Whatever made me think that I was number one I oughta know easy come, easy go Sittin' it out, spinnin' the dial Thinkin' about the chump I've been I have to smile Didn't I know easy come, easy go She wasn't kind, I wasn't smart I lost my mind and fell apart I had to find myself in time Now I can start all over again Hangin' around takin' it slow Happy I found I still can smile and dig the shoe Lettin' me know easy come, easy go

[L.N. Smithee]

Say what you want about "Havin' My Baby," but like I wrote earlier regarding "Convoy," you've got to take it in context. What year was that recorded? 1974. What was the thing that happened in America in 1973 that changed everything? Roe vs. Wade.

Get it now?

[highlander_UW]

I remember when I first heard Candy Man on the radio I thought that if it was about the claims of a drug dealer it was an ok song, but if not it is major lame...turns out it's just about candy.

[highlander_UW]

I know that's supposed to be a hand carrying a fencing sword, but........y'know......never mind.

The sad thing is...I didn't realize it was supposed to be a fencing sword...now I'm tearing up in laughter.

[L.N. Smithee]

I really, really like old Fleetwood Mac, when they played traditional blues and British blues rock, before Peter Green lost his mind, and Jeremy Spencer joined the Children of God, and I can't remember what happened to Danny Kirwan.

But you have to admit that "Oh Well" has the among the lamest (if not THE lamest) guitar solo in the history of rock. It sounds like something from the soundtrack of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (complete with pennywhistle), and it goes on forrrrrevvvverrrrrr.

[L.N. Smithee]

I remember when I first heard Candy Man on the radio I thought that if it was about the claims of a drug dealer it was an ok song, but if not it is major lame...turns out it's just about candy.

My oldest sister was almost obsessed with reading all kinds of obscene double meanings into hit records. But sometimes, as Freud admitted, a cigar is just a cigar.

[RipSawyer]

"I second that! Although "Midnight at the Oasis" could beat it by a hair. What horrible songs!"

Oh, no, I have listened to that countless times on the radio and I always cracked up when Maria sang,"you won't need no camel when I take you for a ride". The mental imagery I get from this song leaves me laughing all day.

[MeekOneGOP]

I'm guessing Nuconvert is probably right on #11 with this one?:

http://www.pathcom.com/~boby/lsd.htm

I'll have to check that out in a bit, after my wife is up and I don't wake her.

I'd hate to wake her up with that ! ;^)

[Petronski]

Sid Vicious singing "My Way".

That's classic.

[macrahanish #1]

You forgot "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."