James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[right way right]

Devo

Whip It!

[LRS]

"The Safety Dance " has got to be in here someplace!

Of course, I had to keep my sanity with that song's existance years ago, by renaming it "Is It Safe to Dance?", with lyrics that went something like this...

You couldn't dance if you had to
'cos you haven't any britches on
And if you tried to dance without any pants
They'd bust you 'fore your dance was done
And you couldn't dance if you had to
In a tight bikini thong
'cos if you tried to dance in tight underpants
They'd know you haven't got a wong
So is it safe to dance?
It isn't safe to dance...

[King Prout]

only if Barney's take on "this old man" is acceptable to the list.
I mean, kids' show tunes are a whole 'nother league

[skinkinthegrass]

HA!HA!...What the hell, was he thinking, when he recorded it...more to the point, What was I thinking..I've heard it before...and I was Warned. :/

[nuconvert]

LOL!

That's why it said "The worst song is right here"

[leenie312]

Two come to mind:
Yummy Yummy Yummy I got love in my tummy
1910 fruitgum company

Dizzy...Tommy Roe

Make that 3..anything by "The Archies"

[nuconvert]

"Are We Not Men? We Are Devo!"

[Miss Marple]

Well, I think "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" must get an exemption because of this line:

If I could move, I'd get my gun, and put her in the ground.
Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town.

I mean, contemplating homicide to a beat and a tune has to count for something, doesn't it?

[King Prout]

ok, you had to go there...

*dredging memory for painful hidden things no man should admit to remembering... soap operas... early 80s... oh, yes, called General Hospital... A main character, died somehoworother, beloved of all dippy little girls, affianced to some curlyheaded blonde moron... named LUKE! that's right... so her name was...*

LAURA.

I do not recall who did it, actually I am blessed ot not remember even the tune, but I do remember how bitterly I loathed it and its ghastly popularity.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

I have a greeting card that says, "It is better to have lost in love than to have to listen to 'Lost in Love' by Air Supply."

I have always found that to be true.

I think "Afternoon Delight" is a fine choice. I usually go with "99 Luft Balloons" (after thoughtfully considering "Walkin' on Sunshine" and "My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"), but I had successfully blocked that one from my memory or I might have chosen it, also.

(Full disclosure: I am a professional musician. I hate lots of tunes, for a variety of reasons.)

[Tribune7]

Foreigner can fill a Top 100 bad song lyric list by themselves.

"Rev on the Red Line" and Headknocker could start it.

And while on the subject of stupid songs what about "I'm saaaailing away". I blissfully have forgotten who sang it, but they were bad.

[LibKill]

"I have here the ONLY working phaser EVER produced! It was only fired once, to convince William Shatner not to make a second album."

(Comic Book Store Guy, The Simpsons)

[Clemenza]

Songs that Drive Clemenza INSANE:

"I Like it Like That (Yeah Baby) - Blackout All Stars

"Greatest Love of All" - Whitney Houston

ANYTHING by Milli Vanilli

ANYTHING by J-Ho

ANYTHING by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons (Although I love "Swear to God" and "Can't Take my Eyes Off You" from Frankie's solo career)

"Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree" - Geraldo, er, Tony Orlando

"Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby, about that little song you wrote? It really wants to make me SLASH you're throat, don't worry...

"Everything I do, I do it For You" - Bryan Adams

[jwfiv]

This thread has our name all over it.

[Tribune7]

"My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"

I like that song. Any song that encourages tykes to study nuclear science can't be on a bad-song list.

[Rightwing Conspiratr1]

Yeah didn't Luke rape Laura to the Al Herpert or something or another Tijuana Brass Band tune called "Rise". *ow ow memories*. Of course I have earlier memories of running home from grade school to catch Dark Shadows. *shiver*

[King Prout]

don't mention that one to Eric Cartman!

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

Yes it can. LOL

[skinkinthegrass]

Well, I think "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" must get an exemption because of this line: " If I could move, I'd get my gun, and put her in the ground. Oh, Ruby, don't take your love to town."

Agree... I 've always liked Kenny Rogers' RUBY. 8.-)...His first hit.

[Clemenza]

I vaguely remember a song called "Run Joey Run" which was quite hideous.

I am PISSED that "Sounds of Silence" made the list. One of the greatest songs ever written from that decade. Greatly improved by Tom Wilson's production (the original recording was all-acoustic).