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I (along with most of the men here) am Retrosexual and proud of it.
Woody's Taxidermy ^ | 4-11-04 | Cutbait Robin

Posted on 04/11/2004 12:05:58 PM PDT by Engine82

I've had ENOUGH!! OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title. Example..."***** Eye for the Straight Guy" The censor took care of this 'un...

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is cussing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

Pass it on...............


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: beingarealman; guns; hunting; males; men; retrosexual
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To: Engine82
Yep that's us alright, Retrosexuals. But you made us sound kinda sissiefied under the one about killing most of the red meat we eat, when you forgot to mention that we kill it with our bare hands.
321 posted on 04/13/2004 10:01:31 AM PDT by F.J. Mitchell (Under enough ketchup, a cowpile fried in snake oil, is indistinguishable from prime beef..)
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To: bayourod
LOL! You better not drop the soap.
322 posted on 04/13/2004 10:04:33 AM PDT by F.J. Mitchell (Under enough ketchup, a cowpile fried in snake oil, is indistinguishable from prime beef..)
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To: DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

LOL. Sight unseen, without having a clue what Hot Topic might be, I'd wear it in exchange for being 30 years old - for a little while, anyway. ;-)

323 posted on 04/13/2004 2:23:14 PM PDT by Scenic Sounds (Sí, estamos libres sonreír otra vez - ahora y siempre.)
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To: Engine82
I definitely married a retrosexual. :-) He's a keeper! I think any real lady would prefer a retrosexual to some yo-yo who is trying to act like her.
My favorite has been walking on the bus with my kids and seeing the crankiest looking old men bark at the younger guys to make room as he gets up to offer a seat. The younger guys always have that look of shock that I love to see. But they will listen.
324 posted on 04/13/2004 2:31:41 PM PDT by HungarianGypsy
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To: notfondajane
Also, we don't use the term "issue" when we're talking about problems. Issues are what periodicals and newspapers publish.
325 posted on 04/22/2004 2:38:52 PM PDT by mukraker
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To: Preech1
Not just a tacklebox. We have a whole garage full of stuff we are going to fix...some day...and plenty of spare parts for everything stuffed in boxes, too, just in case we might need it some day.
326 posted on 04/22/2004 2:45:20 PM PDT by mukraker
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To: SamAdams76
Let me give you an example of a man.

He can keep any car running that he has to but works to afford the best for his family.

He can fix anything in the house but knows when to call in an expert.

When he smokes meat out on the smoker he converts vegetarians. But if he has invited a vegetarian they will also be amply provided for at his table(his roasted garlic is to die for).

He is always honest and respectful until it is appropriate not to be.

He ensures the safety of his loved ones with proper security of his property and teaching them all how to use the guns he has given them if they didn't already have their own.

He opens doors, pulls out chairs, walks curbside for those of the female gender, stands when they are being introduced at his table etc etc etc...

Intelligent, interesting to talk to, polite, ambitious and did I mention honest?

I could go on but I think you get the idea. I may not be totally objective but I don't thing anyone could be more happily married.

Sorry ladies, I've been married to this one going on 23 years now. I am so in love.

Oh yeah! He wears jeans and flannel shirts unless he has to represent one of his businesses at the State House. Does yard work whenever he can and just bought a wonderful orange Kubota tractor with a front end loader,a bush-hog attachment and grass cutter. He got the little camouflage 4X4 dump truck too. He drives one of the biggest pickup trucks there is. He can haul anything. Not only has a garage of tools but all the guy toys. You know, paint ball equipment, roller hockey, rappelling, mountain climbing, compound bow, camping for all climates. He complains if I do something manually that he has a powered thing for.(from sweeping the front porch to clipping the hedges, I like things a little quieter) He doesn't care for beer but has been known to drink on occasion. We live in the north Georgia mountains. We are fortunate my self employed suburbansexual was able to move his business offices here where he can watch the deer and turkey while impressing the hell out of the bankers, developers, business associates and get this for making you guys jealous. Our business partner is big time into her sorority and entertains the girls up here as a sponsor. My husband on a few occasions has had to play chauffeur, chef etc to these young ladies. He has his helicopter pilot license but not his own bird yet so his trainer helps out and comes up here to give the girls rides. I'm sure he hates it.

Sorry, I'm blabbering and bragging. Sometimes I get carried away in my happiness and bliss. Thanks to my husband I was able to retire at 46.

We had a deal. The first 20 years of our marriage I worked and paid the bills while he did whatever he chose. At the end of 20 years I quit work and he would support me till the day I die. Did I mention how honest this man is?
327 posted on 06/08/2004 9:58:13 PM PDT by BabsC
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