Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[Marie]

b- (bump); g- s/b "f" (for); lsyrt,

LMAO! Thank goodness! For a moment there, I thought I was getting old!

[dubyagee]

Every husband I have spoken with face to face not only wants sex more often, but would like to believe that she has any sexual desire for him at all and sees no evidence of it.

My husband 'went elsewhere' and this is one of the reasons he gave me. I can understand to a point...the thing is that for five years before he did it I had changed. I had tried being the 'biblical wife' I was supposed to be. He says I had done too much damage in the 10 years before that.

He says he's changed now, too. He says he now sees the love that I was offering. But I seem to be back where I was before my change.

Thing is, he did his deed in such a cold manner, I find it very difficult to let go, and I've yet to see the change he claims to have under gone.

Don't know why I'm posting this other than that I am on this thread looking for answers. Sorry your post happened to be the one I decided to vent to. ; * )

[Marie]

You are right about the carb issue. 1/3 of all women have PCOS. PCOS is caused by high levels of insulin over a long period of time. Insulin increases testosterone and FSH production and decreases LH (got a hunred ripe eggs, no way to release them and some agression hormones sprinkled on top.)

[SaveTheChief]

I enjoyed reading your post #517 as it offered some insight into what some women tend to think and want. But please can you tell me why it is often said, "It's the thought that counts" when it appears that what this really means is "You need to do a grand gesture for me to make me feel like a treasure?"

I completely understand your logic and it makes PERFECT sense. In fact, this has helped me understand the feminine mind. lol. But what I don't understand are the games that are often played between people, and the complete shock, disappointment, and disgust when we silly men fail to read minds and anticipate every need some women seem to require.

If you could do a follow-up and answer my question, I would greatly appreciate it. I anxiously await your reply :-)

[Quix]

Am not an MD but I certainly agree with you from all I've read.

I also noticed myself that when I restricted fats seriously, I became MUCH more irritable. And, usually, it takes a lot to get me REALLY angry.

Thanks for astute observations.

[Quix]

THANKS FOR SAYING SO. Even one precious person is worth it. A Precious Freeper is certainly worth it. And more than one--WONDERFUL! YEA!

Thanks, Lord, for helping all of us who seek you and earnestly try to be better people!

[SarahW]

I feel a little uncomfortable speaking for my sex, but since I did already :), I might as well try to be clearer.

It *is* the thought that counts. Men are simple creatures, at least according to Dr. Laura, and think, oh: pretty flowers, I'll pick some up to suprise my favorite and please her and get in her good graces. It worked the last three times!!! I'm on a roll.

Women, who torture men and most especially each other with extremely subtle, ingenious, and devious emotional machinations, are capable of doing so because they are wired up to globally evaluate WHAT EVERYTHING MEANS to her social interactions.

She will use all incoming data to figure out what you are thinking even though you aren't quite aware that you were thinking, or not thinking, about it. If you AREN'T thinking of something, that means you are thinking something ELSE. This could be good, bad, or indifferent, but it all MEANS SOMETHING. She's on the alert for your "thoughts".

So she thinks, the first time, OH! my love! He brought me flowers on impulse! How wonderful. He is at stage X of courtship and it means X and X and X. And, the flowers are nice, too.

The second time, she thinks, Oh, alright, flowers on impulse again. A sweet gesture, how nice. But its the same thing as before. What does it MEAN?!!! Let me appraise his decision making process. I wonder if he ever thinks about planning to get me flowers on purpose. I'd realy love to get something REALLY special that really MEANS something. I wonder if he knows that would make me really happy, and if he would do that. It would MEAN something.

The Third time.... Oh. convenience store flowers again. Does he think he has me figured out? ANother impulse purchase of cheap flowers, I wonder what that MEANS. Does he think he has me pegged. Doesn't he think about these things? If he doesn't that MEANS something. Is our relationship stuck at level X? What does that MEAN.

The fourth time... Oh man, he's NEVER going to go out of his way to get me the really nice flowers, where you have to pick them out and call ahead and I guess that's just too much trouble for him so that means he's not thinking about me and that MEANS something and he thinks he doesn't have to go the extra mile and why buy the good flowers when you get the cow for afterthought flowers and I guess that MEANS something, why is it that he hasn't done this or that doesn't he know what it MEANS, doesn't he think I'm good enough to move on to stage XXXX????

Basically, she wishes he'd put more *thought* into pleasing her, otherwise the flowers don't MEAN what she wants them too!!! :)

[meowmeow]

I said: Why is the onus always on the woman to create a healthy relationship?

You said: Where did you get that idea?!? Please give me some references (with URLs) that state that it is "always on the woman to create a healthy relationship."

I said: "Show me a book...

You said I'm dodging the question

Did you even read the article? It's about a book. There are many books on the market just like it. There are no books that I've ever seen taking the husband-needs-to-get-his-act-together perspective. You're question on my response makes no sense. I'm stating an observation of books on relationships. There's no "source with URLs."

[rintense]

Basically, she wishes he'd put more *thought* into pleasing her, otherwise the flowers don't MEAN what she wants them too!!! :)

Let me add a story. A friend received a birthday present from her spouse- a CD, unwrapped and simply handed to her with a Happy Birthday wish. To the guy, the fact that he got her something was enough. To the girl, the fact that there was not THOUGHT put into it made it completely different than he intended.

I think a lot of times, both sexes expect that the other is, or should, be like them, meaning, 'it doesn't bother me if you give me a gift like this.' Of course, that is short sighted since every single one of us is completely different from the rest. We may share similar traits, but how we react and feel is completely individualized.

[69ConvertibleFirebird]

You did try to dodge the question by not telling where this HUGE cabal was that was insisting that it is "always on the women to create a healthy relationship." You showed nothing except to point to one (1, uno) book about how women can help their men be better husbands.

Now, to answer your question, here are fifteen books about being a father, husband, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/TPXS93TWU0P7/002-0270371-0798458

Maybe do a little research before going on a rant. I have no doubt that you can find MANY more than fifteen. The above link is the first hit that I got on my first attempt search.

And, yes, the Bible does count when it comes to being a good husband/wife. I won't discount it and say not to add it to the list.

[meowmeow]

Maybe do a little research before going on a rant.

I actually looked at your list and saw a bunch of books on fatherhood and childbirth - still doesn't answer my original question. However, someone already answered it earlier by pointing out PK and FGBMI, both excellent examples so I will forgive your tantrum, especially since it had nothing to do with my post anyway. Heaven forbid I post any more without doing an exhaustive research project on the topic. And here I thought FR stood for Free-Ranting!

[hopespringseternal]

My husband 'went elsewhere' and this is one of the reasons he gave me.

Goodwill, love, and enthusiasm for the marriage is like a bank account. Anytime you do something nice, you add to the account. Everytime you cause dissappointment and pain, you take away from the account. Wives have no idea just how much they deplete that account by frustrating their husbands sexually. You can't simply change and make things better, you have to replace all the negative feelings he has with positive feelings. Realizing that when you are that far in the hole, the inevitable slipup will set you back far more than in the beginning.

Even though you spent five years changed, he undoubtedly still took a negative view of you and the marriage and it may be his revenge for the misery he suffered. Especially since his pain was great enough that he can only see your efforts in hindsight. It also depends on what "elsewhere" was, I am assuming another woman. The thing is, he had a very "easy" relationship with her. No kids, no mortgage, no stress, just the good stuff. If he is still with you then you are seeing some character because no wife can compete with that. Unless he has completely cut off contact with her, that is always going to be a strong temptation for him.

Of course, his action depleted his account with you, and now you don't want to put forth the effort either. You are where he is/was.

When you wound someone enough, they come to expect you to wound them and they won't be all that careful not to wound you. Eventually someone else comes on the scene and they have to make the choice between this new person who hasn't wounded them and the person who has spent years hurting them.

[dubyagee]

Yes, it is a vicious cycle. She was married also and was never a real threat to the marriage as far as leaving me for her goes. (Hard to explain but believe me, true)

I do realize the hurt I caused him. I even placed much of the blame on myself. A year later though, I find myself so angry at times. The whole he wasn't perfect, either, thing...

And then there's all the baggage that goes along with a 17 year marriage. Hard to pack it away and begin again. But that's what we'll have to do if we're going to make it.

Ah, well...life is tough and then you get married. ; * ) I completely understand what you're saying, and if nothing else it has given me a few more days of strength and patience. Thanks...

[hopespringseternal]

There are no books that I've ever seen taking the husband-needs-to-get-his-act-together perspective.

I don't know about books, but a lot of the Christian counselors these days seem to be hawking the "blame it all on the man" approach these days. It's the same as on this very thread where someone posts that his wife isn't wifing and a dozen people pop up and tell him it's all his fault, he isn't doing it right.

[Mr. Jeeves]

When he's cool, I can talk to him. When he's upset, I don't try to rationalize with him or get him to see my point. I give him meat. Yes, I really said that. I wave a hunk of lunch meat in his face and tell him to go sit down. He take it and retreats.

Marie, I'm cracking up at that image! It could end up becoming an FR catchphrase, like the shower, a moose biting your sister, or a "hugh" news story, i.e.: "Lazmataz is upset, somebody give him some meat!"

[hopespringseternal]

She was married also and was never a real threat to the marriage as far as leaving me for her goes.

This may be something else that women don't quite grasp, but the less likely he is to leave you for her, the more likely he is to want to continue the affair. Women want the relationship to have meaning, men just want the sex. The less likely it is for the sex to mean anything, the better for him.

I'm not saying this is the case, just that is something to consider.

[kmiller1k]

Too tired to move my fingers correctly on the keyboard last night! b- (bump); g- s/b "f" (for); lsyrt, well that should have read "later". Really, just too tired to make the fingers work. Believe me, I am not hip! Just wishin' I was cool. ;-)

[SauronOfMordor]

I have been wondering if part of the problems with all of the women, who are depressed, have mood swings, are b*tchy, etc has something to do with the effects of the low fat/high carb diet. Could a lot of the problems be blood sugar swings?

The reason I question is I used to have terrible mood swings, had female issues, and when having a hypoglycemic episode was not always nice. I made a major dietary change and everything improved drastically, especially moods. If I go too far off my diet the symptoms return with a vengeance.

When my middle daughter was in first grade, they wanted to put her on Ritalin. Late mornings, she would have periods of being cranky and it would not take much to put her into episodes of hysterical crying upset. No reasoning would work with her, she would cry and scream for up to 40 minutes until she fell asleep

I took her out and started to homeschool her (we were already homeschooling my oldest) and I started doing some research in the net. I noticed that a lot of her symptoms were consistent with hypoglycemia. I noticed that my wife's usual breakfast to her would be high-carb/sugar (cereal, pop tarts, etc) and the episode would occur about two hours after a high-carb meal, and the episode would stop immediately if I forced her to drink some fruit juice (to get her blood sugar back up) followed by some cheese or meat.

I changed her diet, made sure she got protein in the morning, and she's been fine. She's now in 4th grade, still homeschooled and doing well

My point is that a meal high in flour/sugar will cause your blood-sugar level to spike, then crash, with bad results. Meat and cheese, OTOH, digest slowly and put nutrients into your blood gradually and over a longer period of time

[chris1]

Oh God, how could I ever figure that one out?????????? I am a guy and simple in thought and try, but it always seems to fall flat.

[CajunConservative]

I have been low to moderate carbing for five years now and will never go back to the typical American diet. My niece is like your daughter. She will eat nothing but starchy stuff and is a pain in the behind afterward. Most of the behavior disordered kids on my caseload could have been greatly helped with a simple dietary change but nooooo the docs and parents preferred the little pills to make them behave.

The typical diet today is constant sugar overload. Years of malnutrition is going to affect behavior. Is it the answer to all the problems facing marriages today, of course not, but hey it may greatly reduce the irritability, mood swings, PMS, anger, compulsive spending (compulsiveness is a symptom) lack of desire, etc...