Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[sauropod]

I think what you are recommending is cruel.

[Rainmist]

" I've known way too many women who maintain a meticulously indexed and cross-referenceced mental database of every wrong that's ever been done to them, and with a retrieval speed that would shame a Pentium 4. A relationship with them is a continual downward spiral into a situation where you cannot do or say anything without triggering a rememberance of a wrong done to them in the past. Grudges are pure poison to a relationship and a sure-fire way to be alone when you're older. "


I've known men like this as well.

[MEGoody]

"Men learn much better by doing than by hearing."

Based on my experience with hubby, I'd have to agree. But they can learn, and an awful lot of them are quite willing to learn what makes wife happy (not just in bed). We just need to ask them - and be specific.

[hopespringseternal]

I'm sure there are many relationships which could be posted on this thread alone which deviate from your experience.

Of course. But the sample size for the internet, even FR is huge. Make your sample size big enough and you will find many instances of rare things.

The mantra that it is all the man's fault is a terrible. Men have a huge motivation to get things right and while I do know a couple of husbands whose favorite game is jerking the rug out from under their wives, most are desperate to please her. She doesn't realize it in any case, but there is simply too much power in her dissatisfaction for her ever to give it up.

The men who do treat their wives the worst are the one's who have been married the longest. By all appearances they have simply given up trying to please their wives and decided to return some of the misery they have been receiving for years.

[chris1]

Wow. Pretty true. I know most of my guy friends are ALWAYS trying to please their girlfriends etc etc. How about this one - I got my girlfriend flowers few times, It was late at night and the flower shop was closed. I got flowers at Super Stop & Shop. After a few times, she said to me - I like the flowers, but could you get them at a real flower shop for once. I was floored. Now, I don't want to buy either. I have a bad taste in my mouth about not being appreciated, the gesture being spit on, and the negativitity poisoning my well of giving. This type of thing goes on in so many relationships I know, which is why I congratulate Dr. Laura for putting out such a good book.

[Taliesan]

The mantra that it is all the man's fault is a terrible.

We can at least agree on this.

[chris1]

Every action garners a reaction. When a person tries to do something nice for another person and is rebuffed, the person who tried to do something nice will maybe try again, but will feel some hesitation the next time because he/she does not want to get rebuffed. This goes on and on and on. If a man is rebuffed for sex by his wife over and over, after a while he will stop trying, maybe look somewhere else, or just give up what should be a special part of his and her lives.

[Magnolia]

I wonder how many years of marriage the three of us ladies have between us...33 years, here.

35 for us...

[Dianna]

I like the flowers, but could you get them at a real flower shop for once. I was floored. Now, I don't want to buy either. I have a bad taste in my mouth about not being appreciated, the gesture being spit on, and the negativitity poisoning my well of giving.

Perhaps she is seeing it as "he had to stop at the store for eggs and bread anyway and the flowers were an afterthought." It's still nice, don't get me wrong! Personally, I wouldn't say a word about it. But taking the time and the forethought to stop during the day, and thinking about her, going to a flower shop and having flowers sent might make her feel more special.

[chris1]

Actually, in these cases my purpose of going to stop and shop was solely for the flowers because the flower shop was closed. Anyway, it just soured me to the whole thing.

[sonserae]

Women love when you show her they are a special jewel to be cherished. Women love a guy with a plan....so if you have planned ahead for a special occasion (this does not include a fishing trip if you are wondering!) and have planned the whole evening out, it makes her feel fabulous. It's not the cost of the gifts but the frequency of what you do to show her you care. Taking out the garbage once a week is not included in this! Little notes left in her purse or her car...a flower left on her steering wheel that she finds when she gets in to go to work. If you go to Home Depot, stop by a Starbucks and get her a latte. When you have taken a few minutes out of your day and thought of her, it makes her feel cherished. A gift certificate for a spa, tickets to a play, perfume, jewelry, a romantic picnic, all are great. Most of all, it's the daily care and feeding of women....the phone call to just see how her day is going, telling her she is still beautiful after all these years, etc.. that make a woman feel nurtured and loved. Hope that helps.

[hellinahandcart]

After a few times, she said to me - I like the flowers, but could you get them at a real flower shop for once.

Oh, brother.

Better not get engaged. She's the type that will definitely expect you to spend a minimum of two months' salary on the ring. Then she will complain if it didn't come from the right jewelry shop.

[hopespringseternal]

The mantra that it is all the man's fault is a terrible copout.

I left out a word.

[chris1]

Don't go there. It happened, which is why we are breaking up. I know like nothing about jewelery, and was at an expensive mall. I was shopping for Birthday gift and stopped by Zales. I saw a nice heart pendant for a chain. It had little diamonds in it. It was like $300 or something. What the heck do I know. Anyway, I gave to her, she said thanks. But, after 4 months of never seeing her wear it, I had to say something. She said something like Zales sells cheap stuff. Fast forward a year and I asked her about what she wanted for her birthday. She said under her breath without me knowing I heard it, "Don't get something cheap at Zales." She said why not a piece of jewelry or something - I said "Forget it." I am never going to be humliated like that again and was soured to want to do something nice for her after she S%^&^ on me.

[gore_sux_2000]

My ex hubby used to buy me flowers a lot and I could have cared less where they came from. What mattered was that he took the time out of his busy day to think of me, how much he knew I would love the flowers, etc. It is the gesture and the thought behind it that counts. He even bought me flowers on Mothers Day once....and we couldn't have children. But just that he thought about me and how difficult that day was for me.....well even though we're apart now I've never been as touched by anything as I was by what he did that day. Makes me want to cry just thinking about it!

[Jane G]

How old is your wife?

[hopespringseternal]

My wife is the world's worst gift giver. She waits until the last minute, asks me what I want, then gives me that. If I give her a list, I get the most mundane, easily obtainable item on the list. I almost always know exactly what I am getting for any special occasion, and when I don't I am underwhelmed anyway. But I know she tries, and I credit her for her intentions and not the result.

On the other hand, I always surprise her with something she never expected. Something she never expected to get but I knew she really wanted.

For all the pop culture attitude that men are boars, selfish, unfeeling, unsensitive oafs clumsily falling all over the woman's feelings, expectations, and intimate parts, I have found exactly the opposite to be the case in almost all the relationships I have seen.

Most of the men I know truly are chivalrous, and their efforts are met with the same disdain as yours and almost never reciprocated.

In our culture, women are taught to be self-centered and men are taught to feed that monster in the vain belief that it can be satisfied. For all the platitudes and truisms bandied about, the real truth is that men make do and do without while showering their wives with every blessing they can muster. And their reward is usually disdain and neglect.

[P220]

http://www.acronymfinder.com/

[chris1]

I have friend of mine who recently surprised his girfriend with a very romantic moment at the Bronx Zoo, they have a nice holiday spread. He tried really hard, she mentioned the fact to him that she is still in communication with an ex boyfriend who she refuses to tell to stop stalking her. He was almost shaking with fury. I told him he should have thrown her to the Lions. But feeding the monster is a good description because some women can never be placated enough to feed their spoiled selfish needs without realizing what an effort does often go into what men try to do for the woman in their life, only to have it be treated like it was something they were entitled to or that it was a given that they were going to get treated in a certain way.

[dhs12345]

Women are not worse or better. Just different. Why some women fail: they assume men/boys think and act just like them.

They may have been told that the way men act is due to habits that can be changed. Men can adapt but programming eventually overrides. Both men and women have to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

An observation: many claim that a woman would make a better leader than a man. I question this statement because women can be very unpleasant if they have been hurt in any way. They will carry a vendetta forever against the person who hurt them. They think about it day in and day out. Eventually, they will forget. But probably never forgive. And only after many days, weeks, months, of thinking about it do they forget. Probably the way they cope.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is very true.