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Living in a state of disrepair: California (Dave Barry)
miami herald ^ | Sun, Aug. 24, 2003 | Dave Barry

Posted on 08/25/2003 6:52:56 AM PDT by presidio9

CALIFORNIA - I came out here because I've been reading disturbing reports that my state, Florida, is about to lose the coveted title of ''The Doofus State,'' which we Floridians worked so hard to win following the 2000 presidential election by not being able to figure out whom we voted for. We have been The Doofus State for just two lousy years, and now these greedy Californians, who had the title for decades, are trying to get it back.

I regret to say that they have an excellent shot. The political situation out here is very bad.

Q. How bad is it?

A. One of the saner-sounding people involved is Larry Flynt.

How did California get into this mess? Everybody agrees that the root cause is a person named ''Gray'' Davis, who has the warm personal charm of a sea urchin. Incredibly, Californians elected him governor twice. It's still not clear how this happened. Apparently, from time to time the entire California electorate goes to a bar and chugs industrial quantities of margaritas, and it gets late, and one thing leads to another, and the next morning the electorate wakes up in a dingy motel room, and there, snoring next to it, is: Gray.

To make matters worse, Gray lost the state budget surplus. California had this gigantic surplus, billions and billions of dollars, and now it's gone. They've looked everywhere, but nobody can find it. It is the Weapon of Mass Destruction of budget surpluses.

So now Gray is spectacularly unpopular. Everybody despises him. When he tries to get into the governor's house, his own dog attacks him. When he calls for his security personnel, they side with the dog.

Of course California is not the first state to find itself being led by a known bonehead. Many other states have gone through this ordeal, and the way they have traditionally handled it is to pretend that the bonehead is competent and popular, thus causing him to be so impressed with himself that he resigns from the governorship and runs for president of the United States.

But California has a unique system of government, known technically as the ''Any Random Loon Can Put Any Random Thing On the Ballot If Enough Random Loons Agree'' system. If you're a Californian, and you want to put something to a statewide vote, all you have to do is gather a couple of million signatures. That sounds like a lot, but in California you can get that many signatures in 45 minutes merely by approaching disgruntled motorists gridlocked on a freeway during rush hour (6:30 a.m-11:30 p.m.) and having them pass your petition from car to car. As a result, Californians are constantly voting on things. They have repealed gravity several times.

So now there's going to be an election to decide whether to recall Gray, and it is causing massive political turmoil. Gray is a Democrat, so the Democratic Party pretty much has to support him, although its support has been less than enthusiastic, as indicated by the party's official campaign slogan: ``Gray Davis: Maybe He'll Improve.''

If Gray gets dumped, there are literally hundreds of candidates vying to replace him. Under California election law, virtually anybody can run for governor, except of course smokers. Porn King Larry Flynt has courageously thrown his hat into the ring, despite the very real risk that he will draw attention to himself. (Larry's hat is still in the ring; nobody wants to pick it up, because who knows where that thing has been?)

Also on the ballot are Arnold Schwarzenegger (who has promised to straighten California out by, quote, 'Not making any more movies''); Arianna Huffington, former wife of former congressperson Michael Huffington; the Huffingtons' former cat, Puffington Huffington; Demi Moore; her cute new boyfriend; the Oakland Raiders; the late Bob Hope; and Harold R. Wankmilker, a resident of Nevada who accidentally got on the ballot when he attempted to pay a California speeding ticket by mail.

Gray's campaign strategy is to remind the voters that if they dump him, they'll wind up being governed by some wingnut. His opponents' strategy is to remind the voters that if they don't dump Gray, they'll wind up with: Gray. Opinion polls show that the voters currently favor Puffington.

But the point is that California is embarrassing itself hugely, and people are starting to forget about Florida, and all the hard work we Floridians did to become the top national laughingstock. Well, I have a message for you Californians: We're not going to take this lying down. You're in the limelight now, but there's another presidential election coming, and we're going to be ready.

We're bringing back the chads.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Culture/Society; Editorial; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections; US: California; US: Florida
KEYWORDS: davebarry; pufflist
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To: presidio9
Vintage Barry! Great stuff...

Under California election law, virtually anybody can run for governor, except of course smokers.

21 posted on 08/25/2003 8:45:48 AM PDT by NautiNurse
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To: Just another Joe
I spit coffee all over the paper when I read that this morning!!!!
22 posted on 08/25/2003 8:51:08 AM PDT by Gabz (anti-smokers - personification of everything wrong in this country.)
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To: SheLion
#14........ Cute, in Denmark you can smoke everywhere.
23 posted on 08/25/2003 9:13:39 AM PDT by Great Dane
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To: Eaker
"Quit drinking/eating before you read" ping
24 posted on 08/25/2003 9:17:55 AM PDT by thackney (Life is Fragile, Handle with Prayer)
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To: Great Dane
Cute, in Denmark you can smoke everywhere.

Yeah.

But you don't get to throw out Gray Davis!

25 posted on 08/25/2003 9:49:50 AM PDT by Gritty
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To: thackney
"Quit drinking/eating before you read" ping

Thanks for the ping and especially for the warning!!!

26 posted on 08/25/2003 10:05:53 AM PDT by Eaker (This is OUR country; let's take it back!!!!!)
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To: presidio9
Many other states have gone through this ordeal, and the way they have traditionally handled it is to pretend that the bonehead is competent and popular, thus causing him to be so impressed with himself that he resigns from the governorship and runs for president of the United States.

The gratuitous swipe at Bush that must be taken to ensure Barry's continued membership in the Guild?

27 posted on 08/25/2003 10:15:09 AM PDT by Cyber Liberty (© 2003, Ravin' Lunatic since 4/98)
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To: presidio9
Carter graduated 59th in a class of 820 at Annapolis.
28 posted on 08/25/2003 12:33:20 PM PDT by Verginius Rufus
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Comment #29 Removed by Moderator

To: Verginius Rufus
Close enough. I am no fan of Carter, but he's clearly a very bright man.
30 posted on 08/25/2003 12:35:35 PM PDT by presidio9 (Run Al Run!!!)
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To: Cyber Liberty
The gratuitous swipe at Bush

Actually, Texas was in good shape when Bush left. His remark does apply toJimmy Carter and Bill Clinton and Michael Dukakis and Howard Dean, to name a few who got out of their governorships while the getting was good.

31 posted on 08/25/2003 12:40:27 PM PDT by JoeSchem (Has a moderate Republican ever moved to the RIGHT after getting elected?)
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To: JoeSchem
Actually, Texas was in good shape when Bush left.

Molly Ivins says it's a third-world dump, done in the space of 5 years.

32 posted on 08/25/2003 12:41:25 PM PDT by Cyber Liberty (© 2003, Ravin' Lunatic since 4/98)
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To: ianincali
Hometown advantage. Notice I said knowledgeable people. Not every voter in Ark or Fla or Cal, or any other state for that matter, would qualify as knowledgeable. That's what is so fascinating about Gore's defeat. I can't remember a presidential candidate besides him that failed to carry their own state. I'm sure there are some, I'm just not knowledgeable enough to know who they are. ;^)
33 posted on 08/25/2003 12:50:50 PM PDT by Arkie2 (It's a literary fact that the number of words written will grow exponentially to fill the space avai)
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To: presidio9
Wankmilker

Isn't he one of the guys who reads Flynt's publications with one hand and...
34 posted on 08/25/2003 12:59:55 PM PDT by G L Tirebiter
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To: Gritty
But you don't get to throw out Gray Davis!

True, but are you sure you can dislodge him. :-}

35 posted on 08/25/2003 1:01:31 PM PDT by Great Dane
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To: G L Tirebiter
You have an evil mind. LOL!
36 posted on 08/25/2003 3:17:11 PM PDT by Arkie2 (It's a literary fact that the number of words written will grow exponentially to fill the space avai)
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To: Just another Joe

I wonder what Arnold's position is on the smoking ban in California

37 posted on 08/25/2003 7:01:08 PM PDT by qam1
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To: Guillermo
I'm votin' for da "puffmeister"! Gotta be better than what we have.
38 posted on 08/29/2003 7:01:58 PM PDT by Max McGarrity (Anti-smokers--still the bullies in the playground they always were.)
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To: steve50
Arkansas didn't "give" you Krinton. The "american electorate" gave him to you. Knowledgeable people in Ark tried to warn everyone but no one was listening

Nonsense, Clinton never would have made it in if Perot hadn't run

39 posted on 09/01/2003 6:40:25 PM PDT by estrogen
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To: Verginius Rufus
Carter graduated 59th in a class of 820 at Annapolis.

I guess that means that there were at least 58 guys that could have done a better job.

40 posted on 09/01/2003 6:48:37 PM PDT by HIDEK6
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