New book on parenting engenders anger in gays

Move over, Dr. Spock. Now, alongside parenting books on discipline, potty training, and sibling rivalry, there's this: "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality."

In a message that has some people getting riled and others throwing out the welcome mat, authors Joseph and Linda Ames Nicolosi argue that homosexuality is a "disorder" that parents can head off. To do that, they say parents should toughen up "girlish" boys, feminize rough-and-tumble girls, and make sure their kids stick with toys, activities, and mannerisms traditionally aligned with their gender.

It's a controversial prescription - sure to get the daytime TV talk shows buzzing.

"He uses the ugliest of stereotypes, with a 'science' that is provably bankrupt," Wayne Besen, spokesman for the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay and lesbian political group, says of Joseph Nicolosi. "His underlying message is that people can't find peace and happiness in being gay. It's complete nonsense."

But Len Deo, head of the New Jersey Family Policy Council, applauds the Nicolosis' message.

"Man was created to be in a complementary union with a woman - that's the natural order," he said. "No matter how you slice it, homosexuality is a tough lifestyle, and for parents, it's becoming more and more important to direct their children toward a normal, healthy lifestyle."

Joseph Nicolosi is no stranger to controversy. As founder and president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, he has long argued that homosexuality is a disability that can be repaired.

In the new book, Nicolosi and his wife urge parents to intervene as soon as they spot trouble: a boy playing with dolls; a girl romping only with boys. They tell fathers to be close to their sons, showing them how to fill gas tanks and partake in sports, and they warn that if fathers don't hug their sons, someday another man will.

Mothers, they say, must avoid over-involvement in their boys' lives. Children should find playmates of the same gender, so girls who might tend toward lesbianism can learn feminine ways, and what he calls "pre-homosexual boys" can be toughened up by other boys' roughness.

Mainstream psychologists and gay rights advocates are not the only ones rankled by the Nicolosis' advice.

"His ideas sound like they're from the 1950s," said John Chapman, a Teaneck father of two girls, ages 15 and 19. "I was brought up with those ideas, and I can't imagine imposing them on my kids. Giving girls dolls or making boys play baseball won't make them heterosexual, though it may make them miserable and repress who they really are. We raised our children to know we would love them no matter what."

The bottom line is that no one is born gay, Joseph Nicolosi said in an interview, and the proper environment can help children "actualize their true heterosexual nature." He contends that boys become gay because they feel insecure in their masculinity, and girls become lesbians to make up for the lack of connection with their mothers.

They are ideas that the medical establishment rejected years ago. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, and the American Medical Association all concluded about 30 years ago that homosexuality is not a disorder. More recently, they note that several studies indicate at least some biological basis for sexual orientation.

"His ideas about homosexuality are a recitation of old psychoanalytic theories that never had any empirical support to begin with," said Douglas Haldeman, co-author of the American Psychological Association's guidelines for psychotherapy for lesbian, gay, and bisexual clients. Haldeman says his colleagues have been firing off e-mails raging about the book. "His ideas are totally out of step with the social sciences. The notion that we should interfere with atypical gender behavior - especially based on prejudicial and outmoded ideas of gender identity - is potentially very dangerous for kids."

The Nicolosis suggest that parents replace toys, games, and articles of clothing that are not specific to their child's gender. They stress the importance of "extinguishing feminine behavior" in boys with "gentle and consistent disapproval." And they say parents should also watch out for tomboys.

"In and of itself, a girl who wants to wear blue jeans and climb trees is not a cause of concern," said Nicolosi. "But the pre-lesbian condition includes stereotypic rejection of femininity, only wearing things that look like a boy's, being emotionally detached from the mother, wanting to play only with boys."

Gay rights supporters have dismissed the book as simply the latest salvo in the ongoing, rancorous debate over homosexuality.

"They used to try to save society from gay people, like in the late 1980s saying that gays should be quarantined if they had AIDS," said Besen. "Then in the Nineties, there were people like Fred Phelps, the minister of God Hates Fags, with the idea that fire and brimstone and condemnation was the answer. And now their line is: 'We love gay people. We're simply trying to save them from themselves.' It's the same message, just in a prettier package."

Of course, not everyone agrees. The book carries a long list of endorsements from leaders in the traditional family values movement, who welcome it as a refreshing addition to a world they view as both too prescriptive and too lenient. The well-known radio evangelist James Dobson has called the book the "very best resource for parents and teachers."

"In our culture, boys can't be boys anymore," said Frances Edwards, a Ridgewood mother of children aged 10, 9, and 4. "Traditional boyish pranks are now viewed as psychosis or a crime. They're put on Ritalin and told they have to behave a certain way. There's a lot of pressure in our society to feminize boys and of course that's going to have an impact on a certain percentage of them."

Jim Slagter, a Wayne father of an 18-year-old boy and 15-year-old daughter, has always been amused at the ways his kids entertained themselves during car rides - his son making car and gun noises, his daughter singing and talking to her dolls.

"I agree with efforts not to encourage anything that might lead to homosexual behavior, primarily because I believe it would not be a happy life," Slagter said. "My wife and I have always tried to be conscious not to smother our son with too much protection. We have tried to find a balance. We wanted him to grow up to be tough enough to be a ... well, to be a man."

Little of the political debate resonates with parents who have come to accept their children's homosexuality. Though they agree with Nicolosi's assertion that lesbians and gays are sometimes distraught over their orientation, they say it's only because they fear a hostile reception.

"My daughter would have been very happy at one point not to be gay," said Lillian Epstein, a Park Ridge mother whose children are now grown. "Going through high school, college, her first years as a lawyer, those were difficult years. She was terrified of being found out, of being fired. She had to live a life of lies. When she came out to us, 25 years ago, I wondered, like every parent does: What did I do wrong? Did I send her to the wrong college? Was it too liberal?

"In the beginning, when you learn your child is gay, you think you should bring your child to therapy so they can change. But parents have to realize that it's their own expectations that have to change. Eventually, you move beyond accepting, to the point where you cherish their uniqueness and admire their courage."

"His ideas sound like they're from the 1950s,"

It certainly wasn't a bad time in the country.

Any of us who have lived around a large gay/les community know first hand the generally miserable lives these people lead. Not the accomplished artists, successful lawyers, and wealthy business types who can afford to indulge almost any behavior they choose, but those lower down the totem pole who managed to get caught up in the life style.

Dead (statistically) by 43, heavy suicide rate, generally sick more than not. Is this what any parent would want for their child? In my mind it's the same as trying to keep your kids off of drugs.

And one other thing; the remark about quarantining AIDS patients as being another example of anti-gay and otherwise Medieval thinking; I was living on the Peninsula in the Bay Area in the early 80's when AIDS was originally confined to the gay male population. It;\'s breeding ground were the notorious SF bath houses. Shut them down? No! You'd be depriving these people of their freedom and right of sexual expression. The media and medical/psych community aided, abetted, indeed even created a misperception that the notion of quarantine was an affront to the dignity and humanity of the gays. Result? AIDS quickly crept into the drug-user community, and then into the hetero community through hookers.

The left has caused some much misery, desolation, and death. When will it ever be brought to account?

Book Excerpt
The Origins and Therapy of Same-Sex Attraction Disorder (SSAD)
By Richard Fitzgibbons, M.D.
This insightful discussion is from the 1999 book, Homosexuality and American Public Life, edited by Christopher Wolfe. The author of this chapter, Dr. Fitzgibbons, is a member of NARTH's Scientific Advisory Committee.

We have reprinted only a short excerpt here because of copyright considerations. Other chapters in Homosexuality and American Public Life are by different authors. The book is available from Spence Publishing Company, Dallas, Texas, 1-888-SPENPUB or www.spencepublishing.com.

For a number of years, my area of expertise has been in the nature and treatment of excessive anger. Throughout my work, it became clear to me that the most important relationship in which men and women deny their anger is the father relationship. Since anger at rejecting peers or a distant father is extremely common among men who experience same-sex attractions, many men who struggle with SSAD have come to my practice.

My goal with these patients was not necessarily to change their sexual orientation, but to try to help them understand and overcome their emotional pain, which most often was the result of childhood and adolescent conflicts. In using the healing approach that I will describe, I found that many clients could resolve the emotional hurts which led to same-sex attractions and, as a result, over an extended period of time, that they were able to resolve their homosexual attractions and behaviors.

The first stage of the healing process is to understand the operative emotional conflicts. There are several different origins of same-sex attraction, and in addition, there is a marked distinction between the origins of homosexual attractions in males and in females.

SSAD in Men
The three most important risk factors for the development of SSAD in men are weak masculine identity, mistrust of women, and narcissism.

Weak Masculine Identity

Weak masculine identity is easily identified and, in my clinical experience, is the major cause of SSAD in men. Surprisingly, it can be an outgrowth of weak eye-hand coordination which results in an inability to play sports well. This condition is usually accompanied by severe peer rejection. In a sports-oriented culture such as our own, if a young boy is unable to throw, catch, or kick a ball, he is likely to be excluded, isolated, and ridiculed. Continued rejection can be a major source of conflict for a child and teenager. In an attempt to overcome feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, he may spend more time on academic studies or fostering comfortable friendships with girls. The "sports wound" will negatively affect the boy's image of himself, his relationships with peers, his gender identity, and his body image. His negative view of his masculinity and his loneliness can lead him to crave the masculinity of his male peers.

The second and crucial conflict in the development of a weak masculine identity is a poor emotional relationship with the father. A number of therapists characterize the childhood experiences of the homosexual adult as a form of defensive detachment from a disappointing father. As children and adolescents, these men yearned for acceptance, praise, and physical affection from their fathers, but their needs were never met. The profound inner void that develops from a lack of physical affection and father love can lead a man to promiscuous behavior in a misguided attempt to fill an emotional emptiness.

Another reason that some men have a weak masculine identity is poor body image. I have found that many active homosexual men are totally obsessed with other men's bodies. They often express hatred for their own bodies and desire the bodies of other men. A final reason can be a history of sexual abuse by older, more powerful children or by adults. Such abuse over a prolonged period of time may have made the child believe that he must be a homosexual.

Mistrust of Women

The second most common cause of SSAD among males is a mistrust of women's love. Feelings of mistrust may develop as a result of a difficult mother relationship or from experiences of betrayal by women. Male children in fatherless homes often feel overly responsible for their mothers. As they enter their adolescence, they may come to view female love as draining and exhausting. They want a relationship that is lighthearted and enjoyable and, by default, turn to male love. Feelings of mistrust may also arise from having a mother who was chemically addicted, overly controlling, possessive, or emotionally distant.

A very small percentage of homosexual men have experienced such devastating female betrayal in personal or professional relationships that they fear and avoid female love. Subsequently, they only feel safe making themselves vulnerable to a person of the same sex.

SSAD in Women
The major conflicts that lead to SSAD in women are, in my opinion, a mistrust of men's love, a weak feminine identity, or intense loneliness.

Mistrust of Men

A number of women who become involved in same-sex relationships had fathers who were emotionally insensitive, alcoholic, or abusive. Such women, as a result of painful childhood and teenage experiences, have good reason to fear being vulnerable to men.

Women who have been betrayed by a man after a long-term relationship often fear trusting other men and seek relief from their loneliness through involvement in homosexual relationships. Women who have been sexually abused or raped as children or adolescents may find it difficult or almost impossible to trust men. They may, therefore, turn to a woman for affection and to fulfil their sexual desires.

Weak Feminine Identity

The second most common cause of SSAD in women is a weak feminine identity. Three basic areas of conflict lead to such difficulty: mother conflicts, peer rejection, and poor body image. In those cases that involve maternal conflict, the woman usually had a mother who was emotionally distant and who had difficulty in affirming her child's femininity. Such negligence can lead to an inner sadness and emptiness which no amount of adult love can overcome.

This condition is far more rare than weak masculine identity, and this is why, in my view, male homosexuality is much more common than female homosexuality. The female role model, the mother, is much more likely to be affirming, to be giving, to be nurturing to her daughter than the father to his son.

Loneliness

Finally for some women, loneliness is also a major factor in the development of homosexual attractions. A number of women in their late twenties or early thirties have spent considerable time in a disappointing search for the right male relationship. The resultant loneliness and disillusionment about men may lead them into a sexual relationship with a woman.

Note: Subsequent topics covered in Dr. Fitzgibbons's chapter in the book, Homosexuality and American Public Life are "Prevention," "Overview of the Healing Process," "Giving Up the Anger," "Scapegoated Children Carry Scars Into Adulthood," and "Childhood Sexual Abuse."

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Updated: 30 September 2002

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