Posted on 02/14/2002 7:09:10 AM PST by Artie_Kay
When Ellen Metter was a young girl, she didn't go for the baby-doll thing. She dressed her Barbie up as Mary Tyler Moore — a single, urban professional with her own imaginary apartment and fun date nights."She was hip," says Metter, author of the recent humor book Cheerfully Childless. Now Metter, 42, wonders if her young lack of interest in nurturing dolls foreshadowed her adult lack of desire to have children.
Like many women who decide against children, Metter says she questioned her leanings on occasion — either through her own self-exploration or others' prodding questions. When she met her boyfriend a few years ago, she thought she wanted to have kids with him because it seemed like the ultimate expression of their love. But the couple eventually decided against it.
"My boyfriend has great genes, he's handsome, we'd make an adorable child," Metter says. "But then again, Hitler had parents."
Humor has helped Metter communicate with others about a topic she says is misunderstood by a family-oriented culture. "It's not right for me," Metter says. "And if you're like me and never had this visceral attraction to kids then it's probably not right for you either."
Indeed, more people are deciding kids are not for them as the ranks of the childless continue to swell.
Although a government report released this week showed American women having more children than at any time in the last 30 years — in many cases, a good economy made it easier for women to have additional children — more women are also postponing childbearing or foregoing it all together.
Of women ages 40 to 44 years old, near the end of their childbearing years, 19 percent are childless, the U.S. Census Bureau reports — a number almost twice as high as 20 years earlier.
While those statistics include women who would like to have kids or are infertile, more women say they're childless by choice. Nearly 7 million women of childbearing age defined themselves as voluntarily childless in 1995, the latest year available, up from 2.4 in 1982, according to the National Center of Health Statistics.
Shunned and Misunderstood
It's no coincidence that voluntary childlessness is on the rise as women are becoming more educated and eligible for a wide variety of opportunities outside of family life, says Madelyn Cain, author of the book The Childless Revolution.
Childless couples tend to be a more educated and affluent group than their counterparts with kids. With no child-related expenses to shell out, childless couples have more disposable income to spend — 60 percent more on entertainment, 79 percent more on food and 101 percent more on dining out than parents, according to American Demographics magazine.
Despite their growing numbers, many childless individuals and couples complain that they are ignored as a legitimate interest group and consumer class and even shunned by society for their lifestyles.
"We are with childlessness where we were with homosexuality 20 years ago," Cain says. "We always talk about family-friendly America. It is always part and parcel of a politician's package. But the package they're selling doesn't match the general public."
Those who are childless say they get all sorts of unwelcome, and unfair, observations from strangers, family, friends, and co-workers alike. They're told they are: Self-centered, deviant, workaholic, immature, and child-haters.
In reality, Cain said, the reasons people are childless are varied and complex: Some have environmental, religious, medical or professional reasons. For others, it's a matter of happenstance — they didn't meet the right partner or the time just never seemed right.
Child-Free: More Selfless Than Parenting?
Some particularly rabid Web sites devoted to the "child-free," as many like to be called, refer to parents as "breeders" and condemn procreation in general, but they seem to be in a vocal minority. Most who are childless by choice say they respect parents and enjoy children. They just know parenting is not for them.
A lack of understanding about the choice to be childless can be annoying when it comes from acquaintances, and downright devastating when it comes from loved ones, Cain said.
"When your mother says, 'You're gonna regret it,' if that doesn't send a chill through you or wake you in the middle of the night …" says Cain, who interviewed 125 childless women for her book. "Those are terrible things to hold over someone's head."
Lisa Casablanca Simmons, 36, knows what it's like to be poked with questions about the choice she made as a teenager not to have children. Married for 14 years, Simmons said her husband's family first thought she was selfish.
But Simmons sees her decision as rooted in not just honest self-assessment — she thinks she would make a "terrible mom" because she's not very patient — but also selflessness.
"Isn't it selfish to bring an unwanted child into this world?" says Simmons, who lives in Los Angeles. "We're doing right by not bringing an unwanted child into the world."
Finding a Substitute for the PTA
For Kathleen Sartoris, 32, of Queens, N.Y., choosing not to have children also was part of an honest, and in her view necessary, prioritizing of her life.
"I am sure I will miss out if I never have kids, but I know I will miss out on other things if I do," said Sartoris. "It's a tradeoff."
Sartoris and her husband of 10 years travel for work and pleasure, are going back to school, and spend time volunteering. Unlike their friends who have children, Sartoris and her husband also have the freedom to pick up new hobbies and activities and not feel guilty or time-strapped, she said.
"If you have children, you have to consider your child," Sartoris said. "The idea that you can do it all and have it all is a real misconception."
The growing popularity of an international social network for childless individuals and couples, called No Kidding, is further evidence of the increased visibility of the "child-free." No Kidding now has 71 chapters and has a convention set for next month in Las Vegas.
What No Kidding provides is the kind of social networking that many parents find in activities centered on their children, members say.
"PTA, school sports, carpooling. For adults who have children, the children have a huge social network, and are usually a starting point for meeting other adults," says Mitch Greenberg, 41, who organizes events for a Maryland chapter of No Kidding.
The child-free social group fills a social void for nonparents, he said, and helps replace friends who may have lost touch because parenting consumes their time.
At some point, friends who once had many things in common find themselves alienated from one another — even if reluctantly — when they choose different paths when it comes to childbearing. "Those who we lose contact with are usually the people who have children," says Greenberg, who has been married for 15 years. "You no longer have things in common, and they're usually not available to do things," he said.
Along with social isolation, some childless people claim that our family-centered culture can be unfair to them. Some childless workers complain of having to pick up the slack for working parents, or say they are more likely to be expected to work longer hours or weekends.
What's Fair for the Child-Free?
Other complaints from nonparents include watered-down group health insurance packages to compensate for others' young dependents, or the myriad benefits such as unpaid leave, child tax credits or greater 401(k) contributions that are reserved for parents.
Of course, working parents also have complaints about how they're treated in the workplace, and Cain doesn't deny that government and corporate policies can punish both parents and nonparents for the choices they've made.
Parents and nonparents need to start communicating with one another about what is fair, Cain said. Working parents should be able to leave the job if their child is sick, Cain said, but so should childless workers have opportunities to take personal time away for themselves as well.
A compromise could be for companies to offer "personal hours" away from work instead of entire days, so workers could use their hours to fill their personal or family needs without leaving for an entire day, Cain suggests.
But Cain, who has a 16-year-old daughter, born when she was almost 40 years old, said her greatest hope is for people with and without children to understand and accept one another and their lifestyle choices.
"It could have been that I didn't have a child, would it have made me a lesser being? I hope not," Cain said. "Each woman's life should be valued as important for the choices she makes."
You said it.... it's all about choice. I don't expect anyone to pay the consequences for the choices that I make -- and it should go both ways.
When my first son was about 7 or 8 months old, my husband and I went to Laughlin, Nevada with his father and stepmother. We went into one of the casinos to eat at an Italian restaurant. A few minutes after we arrived, a party of four or five was seated at the next table. Before sitting down, one of the women saw our son sitting in his high chair (no, he was not crying) and said, "Oh no! Not another screaming baby!" My step mother in law was ready to make a few comments of her own at that point.
Who is "they" and where are they taking the kids???
I think that it is evident that, as evidenced by many of the prior comments here, that, although raising children can be a noble way to serve God and your fellow man, there are other ways of serving God and your fellow man which are just as noble.
I think that it is also evident that you can have or not have children and still NOT be a service to God and your fellow man.
It's not really about whether you have children or not, it's whether you choose to serve God and your fellow man, whether you choose (or feel called) to raise children or not.
Remember, some of our best have been childless ...
----- Jesus
----- Paul
----- Mother Teresa
----- Beethoven
... while, some of our best have had lots ...
----- Bach
----- Einstein
----- Ghandi
----- Abraham
I took care of both my mom and dad in their own home, and then in my home, until the day they died...but I did it, because I wanted to, and I had also seen the example from my own parents...my mom cared for her dad in our home until he died...my dad and his sister cared for their mother in their homes until she died...I remember as a small girl, seeing my great grandmother, being taken care of by her children at home...it was just something I grew up with, and never ever considered a nursing home for my parents....
Your point may be well taken for future generations, but I dont think it really applies to those already in nursing homes...most of the aged women I knew in the nursing homes, never had a career outside of their homes...their full time occupation was 'wife and mother'...but for whatever reason, the children have decided not to care for their parents...one big factor, I noticed is this...people are willing to care for their parents, so long as they are continent of both bowel and bladder...once incontinence becomes a factor, many children just do not want to care for their parents...sorry to be gross, but for many children, washing clothing and bed linens, soaked with urine and excrement, and having to change diapers on an adult, is something that many children are unwilling to do...I have found in my experience, that if the aged parents remain continent, its more likely they will be able to remain out of a nursing home...but once incontinence becomes an issue, and believe me, it does in most of the aged, people cannot cope with incontinence...sometimes it occurs because of a pbysical problem, the aging of the body, or sometimes incontinence occurs because of dementia or other mental problems...but this is a very big factor in placing the elderly in nursing homes, more so of an issue than whether or not the children were in daycare...
Why would I wish for that? I hope that those who know me best will be glad that I lived a full, happy, and meaningful life. For others to experience grief and sorrow, particularly those I love, has never been one of my aspirations.
And who will inherit what you build?
I am not waiting for the end of my days to pass on the rewards of my life to those I care about. Sharing the things I love, my accomplishments, and the joy I find in life every day, enhances my life, and hopefully the lives of those who know me - every day.
Like all so called happy people you sound very selfish.
On the contrary, it seems to me that anyone who rejoices in their own children's anticipated grief and sorrow is rather selfish.
I'm not insinuating anything -- I am referring to people I know who have admitted that they took the paid maternity leave and had no intention of going back to work. These women feel they had it coming to them. And I strongly disagree with that. It's not like vacation time that you earn based on the amount of time you've worked for the company. I'm sure there are women who don't realize until afterward that they can't be away from their child (this seems pretty natural to me), but many, many women do take advantage of the generosity of their employers in this way.
You are having kids so you can have extra funeral guests, but those of us who do not want kids (yet have no problem with your choices) are SELFISH?
Amen, amen!
I resent that highly. This idea that you cannot be an adult or non-self centered without being a parent is a total crock. I chose not to have children because of many things, but the foremost reason is that I do not have the burning desire to be a parent.
If you need to be a parent, God bless you. But don't think that all virtue comes from parenthood, and that parenthood makes one automatically virtuous and non-self centered. My multi-child sister proves the theory that parenthood and sainthood are not synonymous.
And you are wrong. Just because my future does not have children does not mean it doesn't exist. I work and save for my family's retirement, for my husband and me to have nice vacations, and to take care of my elderly mother.
Are all you parents getting sore from patting yourselves on the back?
That's your opinion. Motherhood requires much more than selfless love. It requires dedicating yourself totally to children. I can and do love selflessly (my husband), but I would still have made a lousy mother because I want to do more than raise children. It is better that those of us who wish to have careers not have children. We see the results of motherhood and careering all around us.
Unless you have children you have NO VESTED INTEREST in the future
Children Completely Alter the way you look at the world, and you don't know what that means until you have them . . .
Unless you have children you have NO VESTED INTEREST in the futureTell it to Jesus, Mother Teresa, Beethoven, Brahms, the apostle Paul, etc.Children Completely Alter the way you look at the world, and you don't know what that means until you have them . . .
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