Child-Free and Carefree

When Ellen Metter was a young girl, she didn't go for the baby-doll thing. She dressed her Barbie up as Mary Tyler Moore — a single, urban professional with her own imaginary apartment and fun date nights."She was hip," says Metter, author of the recent humor book Cheerfully Childless. Now Metter, 42, wonders if her young lack of interest in nurturing dolls foreshadowed her adult lack of desire to have children.

Like many women who decide against children, Metter says she questioned her leanings on occasion — either through her own self-exploration or others' prodding questions. When she met her boyfriend a few years ago, she thought she wanted to have kids with him because it seemed like the ultimate expression of their love. But the couple eventually decided against it.

"My boyfriend has great genes, he's handsome, we'd make an adorable child," Metter says. "But then again, Hitler had parents."

Humor has helped Metter communicate with others about a topic she says is misunderstood by a family-oriented culture. "It's not right for me," Metter says. "And if you're like me and never had this visceral attraction to kids then it's probably not right for you either."

Indeed, more people are deciding kids are not for them as the ranks of the childless continue to swell.

Although a government report released this week showed American women having more children than at any time in the last 30 years — in many cases, a good economy made it easier for women to have additional children — more women are also postponing childbearing or foregoing it all together.

Of women ages 40 to 44 years old, near the end of their childbearing years, 19 percent are childless, the U.S. Census Bureau reports — a number almost twice as high as 20 years earlier.

While those statistics include women who would like to have kids or are infertile, more women say they're childless by choice. Nearly 7 million women of childbearing age defined themselves as voluntarily childless in 1995, the latest year available, up from 2.4 in 1982, according to the National Center of Health Statistics.

It's no coincidence that voluntary childlessness is on the rise as women are becoming more educated and eligible for a wide variety of opportunities outside of family life, says Madelyn Cain, author of the book The Childless Revolution.

Childless couples tend to be a more educated and affluent group than their counterparts with kids. With no child-related expenses to shell out, childless couples have more disposable income to spend — 60 percent more on entertainment, 79 percent more on food and 101 percent more on dining out than parents, according to American Demographics magazine.

Despite their growing numbers, many childless individuals and couples complain that they are ignored as a legitimate interest group and consumer class and even shunned by society for their lifestyles.

"We are with childlessness where we were with homosexuality 20 years ago," Cain says. "We always talk about family-friendly America. It is always part and parcel of a politician's package. But the package they're selling doesn't match the general public."

Those who are childless say they get all sorts of unwelcome, and unfair, observations from strangers, family, friends, and co-workers alike. They're told they are: Self-centered, deviant, workaholic, immature, and child-haters.

In reality, Cain said, the reasons people are childless are varied and complex: Some have environmental, religious, medical or professional reasons. For others, it's a matter of happenstance — they didn't meet the right partner or the time just never seemed right.

Some particularly rabid Web sites devoted to the "child-free," as many like to be called, refer to parents as "breeders" and condemn procreation in general, but they seem to be in a vocal minority. Most who are childless by choice say they respect parents and enjoy children. They just know parenting is not for them.

A lack of understanding about the choice to be childless can be annoying when it comes from acquaintances, and downright devastating when it comes from loved ones, Cain said.

"When your mother says, 'You're gonna regret it,' if that doesn't send a chill through you or wake you in the middle of the night …" says Cain, who interviewed 125 childless women for her book. "Those are terrible things to hold over someone's head."

Lisa Casablanca Simmons, 36, knows what it's like to be poked with questions about the choice she made as a teenager not to have children. Married for 14 years, Simmons said her husband's family first thought she was selfish.

But Simmons sees her decision as rooted in not just honest self-assessment — she thinks she would make a "terrible mom" because she's not very patient — but also selflessness.

"Isn't it selfish to bring an unwanted child into this world?" says Simmons, who lives in Los Angeles. "We're doing right by not bringing an unwanted child into the world."

For Kathleen Sartoris, 32, of Queens, N.Y., choosing not to have children also was part of an honest, and in her view necessary, prioritizing of her life.

"I am sure I will miss out if I never have kids, but I know I will miss out on other things if I do," said Sartoris. "It's a tradeoff."

Sartoris and her husband of 10 years travel for work and pleasure, are going back to school, and spend time volunteering. Unlike their friends who have children, Sartoris and her husband also have the freedom to pick up new hobbies and activities and not feel guilty or time-strapped, she said.

"If you have children, you have to consider your child," Sartoris said. "The idea that you can do it all and have it all is a real misconception."

The growing popularity of an international social network for childless individuals and couples, called No Kidding, is further evidence of the increased visibility of the "child-free." No Kidding now has 71 chapters and has a convention set for next month in Las Vegas.

What No Kidding provides is the kind of social networking that many parents find in activities centered on their children, members say.

"PTA, school sports, carpooling. For adults who have children, the children have a huge social network, and are usually a starting point for meeting other adults," says Mitch Greenberg, 41, who organizes events for a Maryland chapter of No Kidding.

The child-free social group fills a social void for nonparents, he said, and helps replace friends who may have lost touch because parenting consumes their time.

At some point, friends who once had many things in common find themselves alienated from one another — even if reluctantly — when they choose different paths when it comes to childbearing. "Those who we lose contact with are usually the people who have children," says Greenberg, who has been married for 15 years. "You no longer have things in common, and they're usually not available to do things," he said.

Along with social isolation, some childless people claim that our family-centered culture can be unfair to them. Some childless workers complain of having to pick up the slack for working parents, or say they are more likely to be expected to work longer hours or weekends.

Other complaints from nonparents include watered-down group health insurance packages to compensate for others' young dependents, or the myriad benefits such as unpaid leave, child tax credits or greater 401(k) contributions that are reserved for parents.

Of course, working parents also have complaints about how they're treated in the workplace, and Cain doesn't deny that government and corporate policies can punish both parents and nonparents for the choices they've made.

Parents and nonparents need to start communicating with one another about what is fair, Cain said. Working parents should be able to leave the job if their child is sick, Cain said, but so should childless workers have opportunities to take personal time away for themselves as well.

A compromise could be for companies to offer "personal hours" away from work instead of entire days, so workers could use their hours to fill their personal or family needs without leaving for an entire day, Cain suggests.

But Cain, who has a 16-year-old daughter, born when she was almost 40 years old, said her greatest hope is for people with and without children to understand and accept one another and their lifestyle choices.

"It could have been that I didn't have a child, would it have made me a lesser being? I hope not," Cain said. "Each woman's life should be valued as important for the choices she makes."

But the package they're selling doesn't match the general public (refering to politicians pushing family-friendly policies)

What a bunch of crap. The general public is built around the traditional family unit. These people are amazingly stupid.

"...it would be easier to be childless...but my heart would be empty."

I know what you mean. The pain at the mere thought of it is almost unbearable.

'Scuse me...I think I have to go hug them.

Well, at least elitist liberals. I know a man like this and while I do think he is going to miss out on something that will help him grow out of his impatience and self centerness, I also think it's a wise choice for someone who is this self centered(and yes, most childless by choice I know would qualify as pretty self absorbed). I'd rather see self sterilization like some of these folks do than abortions though.

glory

oh and I don't think the childfree by choice # is that high. I think some people who are infertile are not being honest and put up a defensive wall that not having children is a choice to cover up some of the pain of trying and failing. I wonder how many of those numbers make up feminist types too having the same reaction as the infertile after never having met the "right person" after all those years of pursuing careers. maybe not signifigantly lower numbers, but lower by some.

I agree about the public behavior part, but childless couples need to also realize that everything can not be planned to the letter with children. Children puke, children throw, children do all sorts of things to thier parents' embarressment that they did not intend. Please remember that in many cases, it's not that people haven't taught thier children good behavior, but that children are still learning self control and won't always adhere to those rules ie they are being children. Try and remember, you were a child once too.

I think childless couples should stop griping about things like time off and stuff too. Let's face it, for your inconveniences now, it will be those same children who will be "inconvenienced" by funding your care when you are elderly so it all equals out in the end.

funny, I worked in retail very recently and I was not exempted from working sundays even though I did want it off to practice my religion(not because of my kids). I think the place you speak of is an exception, unless you are considering full time employees? I know us part timers never got choice of weekend days off or even any weekend days off.

Being a mother is the greatest of all careers. And it requires only the ability to love selflessly.

As a father myself, I would not give up my state of being for anything in this world. And the knowledge I have gained about myself and what it is to be human from being a father causes me to have prejudice against the single person's ability to understand human nature in the same way that a parent does. I'm sure that this void is overcome by many but only with grace and great effort IMO.

Regards.

And once again, that is a consequence of a selfish society. I do think some of this has to do with the way these folks are bonded to thier parents. I have some major differences with my folks, but I could never put them in a nursing home unless the illness was so all encompassing that I could not care for them at home. I think what you are probably seeing are the same people who put thier own children in daycare. How do you expect a wife to quit her job for her folks and care for them, when she won't even do it for her own children? Not going to happen. I'm home. I figure I'm caregiver to my children now and in 20 years, I will likely be caregiver for my children as well. My best friend is the same way and her family has already practiced this with dying grandparents and a brother with brain cancer--all cared for at home. There are many of us out here who still do the right thing.

Big difference oremus is that protestants don't usually send thier pedophile pastors on to other congregations and keep it hush hush. The catholic church however has and continues to cover up this kind of behavior and that is unnacceptable and your apologies for it are unacceptable. You are sitting here and scorning people who are justifying why they are childfree and yet you sit there and justify evil acts against children because your church says so and, oh, well those worldly protestants do it too so leave my church alone. Come on now.

I agree.

Let me clarify something. On both sides of my family (Mom's & Dad's) we have alcoholism. On top of that, disease, cancer, and other hereditary things. I am not sure I ought to bring a child into this world knowing of all the genetic challeneges he or she will face.

Therefore, I choose that IF I meet a person with whom I think we could create healthy kids, within the context of a reasonably stable and happy marriage, and raise them in a positive manner, I will do so.

Otherwise, I will not bear children. If I find in my later years that I am a sufficiently capable, sacrificing and giving enough person to be a parent, I will adopt one of the many children who need homes.

That's encouraging to hear. I'll be 40 in July and although I wanted kids, my life didn't go that way. I thank God for Him allowing me to experience a great career and time to spend time helping people. Sometimes I think I might not have the patience for parenthood....but when I look back on what I've put up with because of love, I know I will be overjoyed by the prospect of parenthood. God will provide, if it's to be...As for the people who choose not to have children, they have just as much right to decide that. There are enough awful parents in this world without them going that route, if they choose otherwise.

No problem with finding a babysitter, just do what all of the people with kids do, bring them along to the restaurant with you! That way everyone can enjoy being serenaded by your screaming infants, and you can sit there with that "don't look at me, I can't make him stop crying" look on your face.

And how about the ones who pack up the whole family for a big family outing at the grocery store? I'm not talking about single parents here; I'm talking about mom, dad, and all the kids running wild and getting in the way. Geez, find some other entertainment for your kids than having them grab grapes in produce!

Finally, this love is fecund. It is not confined wholly to the loving interchange of husband and wife; it also contrives to go beyond this to bring new life into being. "Marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordained toward the procreation and education of children. Children are really the supreme gift of marriage and contribute in the highest degree to their parents' welfare."

Question: Does the Catholic Church refuse to marry couples who are no longer of childbearing age?

While here I thought I'd answer for Aquinasfan.

No, the Catholic Church does not forbid such marriages.

What the Church does forbid is contraception in a marriage, between spouses who are fertile. (However, Natural Family Planning, which uses the natural bodily rhythms to determine fertile times and works with that, is acceptable when used for the right reasons.)

Typically, I am more amused with rambunctious children in public than I am annoyed. Lord knows it can't be easy keeping them under control. My beef is with the parents who are clearly not concerned with the behavior at all. And I agree about the griping: this is one of those, "to each his own" topics, in my opinion.

"It's the way of the world girl......Get used to it."

Yes, I agree...narrowminded people have always felt the need to impose their beliefs on the rest of society...but being abloe to think for myself, I refuse to get use to it.

So, you'd rather those kids be in daycare, right? Perhaps they should take the kids away right after birth, so those mothers don't bond with the babies; then they'll have no problem going back to work.

Is six weeks really enough time to spend with the child??

Actually it's not called maternity leave anymore..it's called "Family and Medical leave" and it no longer applies only to maternity. Fathers can take it up to six weeks, and any employee in the US can take if for a variety of reasons...to care for an elderly parent, spouse, etc.

Yeah, but that's unpaid leave. And if it applies to everyone then it's fair. I'm all for it. I'm talking about people who know darn well they're not coming back to work -- but still take the money anyway. That's completely unfair to the employer. Paid maternity leave is not a right -- the employer puts the policy in place to hold onto valued employees. These people are not keeping their end of the bargain and it stinks.

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