Forbidden Grief After Abortion

Priests for Life | December 3, 2001 | Father Frank Pavone

[toenail]

In her book to be released in 2002, my friend Dr. Theresa Burke writes,

"There is no social norm for dealing with an abortion. There are no Hallmark cards for friends who have had an abortion, declaring either sympathy or congratulations. We don't send flowers. We don't have any ceremonies, either joyous or mournful. We have no social customs or rules of etiquette governing acknowledgment of an abortion. Instead, we all try to ignore it."

The book, "Forbidden Grief," with which Dr. David Reardon also collaborated, demonstrates that grief after abortion is neither expected nor permitted in our society. Drawing from their vast experience of post-abortion counseling, the authors illustrate some of the ways that this "disenfranchised grief" eats away at the personality, and results in harmful and bizarre behavior.

As a graduate student, Theresa Burke led a weekly support group for women with eating disorders. The meeting exploded out of control one night when, unexpectedly, the topic of abortion arose. Six of the eight participants had had abortions. This led Theresa to begin exploring the connections. One woman explained, "I am never hungry when I binge. I eat because I am full. Full of anger, hurt, sadness, and loneliness. I throw up because that is the way I empty myself of those feelings."

Every thought and emotion we have is connected to other thoughts, emotions, and memories. Connections to the negative memories associated with abortion are often overlooked, even by professional therapists.

Forbidden Grief reveals many of the connections. For example, those who undergo a trauma often re-enact that trauma, in a subconscious effort to articulate, understand, and master it. One client became obsessed with pregnancy after her abortion. She explains, "I used to go to the maternity section in department storesI usually had a towel stuffed in my pantyhose to make it look like I was pregnantbut as soon as I'd get in my car I would cry my head offI'd rip the towel out of my belly to dry my tears. I'd tell myself, you're not pregnant this is just a stupid towel."

Another rode horseback regularly without padded pants, until she bled profusely, hence re-enacting the abortion.

One way or another, we ritualize our grief.

We also sometimes try to trivialize it when we know it's too much to bear. Dr. Burke describes a dorm party in which the students, many post-abortive, played "Baby Soccer." The broken heads of dolls were kicked around the room gleefully, their eyes gouged out with darts, their cheeks burned with cigarette butts.

Other post-abortive individuals increase their risk-taking behavior, hoping they will get caught or hurt. After all, they know they are guilty, and may seek an experience to confirm that.

When society trivializes abortion, people suffering from it will, cry out by their actions, "I'm not OK! I'm in tremendous pain! Can anyone help me?" We need to tell them we know that pain, and that it makes sense to grieve. Only then can healing begin.

[SpookBrat]

You are too kind. I'm pretty stupid actually. All of the political geniuses here blow me away with their intelligence and logic. I love this site. Did I mention that already?

[SpookBrat]

I'm very sad to read your post. Prayers for comfort (and a baby) coming your way. I mean that most sincerely.

[SpookBrat]

Oh my Tribune7. Excellent post. That's very interesting to learn.

[SpookBrat]

I have wonderful Catholic friends and they say the same things about "Catholics for choice". I don't think "Catholics for Choice" are very well liked by most Catholics. Is that an understatement?

[wwjdn]

Wow I can see the new Hallmark greeting cards now:

You just killed your baby, get well soon!

You just murdered your first Christian (or homosexual), it's Miller Time!

[Coleus]

Oh, you are right. They can't be Practicing Roman Catholics because if one is not in a state of grace one can not recieve Holy Communion.

Also, anyone who procures an abortion is automatically excommunicated.

[SpookBrat]

I forgot to thank you for all those links. I'm going to pass them on to my wonderful Catholic friends. (I'm in the process of trying to get some to come here and post with me).

[hinckley buzzard]

Instead of contaminatng these threads with devious defensiveness, why don't you just tell us about your own abortion experience. Was it as easy as attacking those who revere life here?

[pcl]

One problem, a Catholic can not be for abortion of any kind, it's against our religion.

Mary Catholic: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I had an abortion last week."
Joe Jesuit: "I am sorry to hear that, my child. Say five Hail Marys for your sin."
Mary Catholic takes communion the next day. Her sin of abortion will now be absolved after she does her time in purgatory.
Problem solved.

Do Catholics have abortions? Read this:

The Guttmacher Institute reports that there is no longer any statistically significant difference between the abortion rate among professing Catholics and the abortion rate in the population at large. We can quibble over their definition of "Catholics" but intellectually honest clerics must also be disturbed by the fact that over half of "professing Catholics" voted for the pro-abortion candidate in the last presidential election.

This snip came from The Official Catholic Web Site, catholic.org

[lawgirl]

"There is no social norm for dealing with an abortion. There are no Hallmark cards for friends who have had an abortion, declaring either sympathy or congratulations.

That is F***ing SICK!!!!!

[oremus]

And your point is? Statistically, only 7% of Catholics in the US follow the teachings of the Church in their entirety. Just because someone lists their religion as "Catholic," doesn't mean that they actually practice it.

[pcl]

It is not "my" point. Look at source.

[FITZ]

I can imagine. A few of my aunts and uncles couldn't have children for various reasons, I have quite a few adopted cousins and I can't imagine my childhood without them in it, my cousins have good lives and were happy growing up in our family. It bothers me a lot to think someone thinks they should not have been born. Someone does want to love those babies and it's terrible to think "mothers" would prefer to kill them rather than let them have their lives.

[FITZ]

There really is no good excuse to have an abortion. If a woman doesn't want to conceive, there are plenty of birth control methods and combining them works very very well, plus there is abstinence. If someone hates children so much they would destroy a pre-born baby, they can be surgically sterilized. If a woman still conceives and doesn't feel she can raise her baby, she can still let the baby have it's life and let someone else raise the baby. I know of many couples right now who desperately want to adopt a baby, those babies are not "unwanted", they are just not being given any chance to be with the people who want them. Women who kill their babies do it because they didn't want to be responsible in their birth control and they didn't want to be inconvenienced for a few months for their own babies to live versus die.

[Coleus]

Isn't confession and forgiveness wonderful!! God's graces are out there for those who wish to receive them.

If I were that priest, I might have added a few rosaries in there too.

How are the sins of Protestants, Muslims, Jews and Hindus, forgiven? What happens when they have abortions and ask for forgiveness?

[mvpel]

In Judaism, in the strictest sense, abortion is only permitted to save the life of the mother. This derives from Exodus 22:1:

"If a burglar is caught in the act of breaking in, and is struck and killed, it is not considered an act of murder."

The idea is, if the burglar is breaking in to a house at night, when there is a reasonable expectation that the resident will be at home (as opposed to during the day) it's a logical conclusion that the burglar intends harm to the residents, and that killing him would be an act of self-defense. This verse is the basis of the Talmudic concept that a rodef - one who is pursuing another with the objective intent to kill, must be killed to save the life of the innocent victim. And in some circles of thought, this principle is applied to the issue of abortion, where the unborn can be seen as a rodef, threatening the life of the mother.

Another important principle established from millenia of Jewish scholarship is "when in doubt, refrain."

As for forgiveness, this is the subject of the Rosh HaShannah ("Head of the Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) holidays that mark the beginning of the Jewish year.

The Yom Kippur service pertains to asking forgiveness from G-d for our failures to live up to G-d's expectations, our sins of omission, sins of commission, known or unknown in the past year. The slate is figuratively wiped, so to speak, and a Jew can start off again with a new resolve to live as G-d commands. But an important thing here is that sins committed against another person must be resolved with the other person, before forgiveness can be asked of G-d.

[Coleus]

"If a burglar is caught in the act of breaking in, and is struck and killed, it is not considered an act of murder."

In Liberal Republican, NJ it sure is murder, as a matter of fact, if you have a way of egress and don't run out the back door, and you shoot him, guess who's going to jail, YOU. And if you shoot him in the back, YOU again go to jail. Nice isn't it. Yes, the republicrats ran the assembly for 10 yrs. I find no difference between the two.

Thanks for the info regarding Jewish Law.

I know pcl is trying to get my goat up but it will not work.

[Frank Grimes]

Good. Women who kill their unborn children deserve to be in tremendous pain

Thank you. I was wondering when someone would speak up. Well said...

[Frank Grimes]

I have not the words

I do...Those people are GHOULS!

[Judith Anne]

Bump for later reading.