Posted on 12/04/2001 7:13:41 AM PST by toenail
In her book to be released in 2002, my friend Dr. Theresa Burke writes,
"There is no social norm for dealing with an abortion. There are no Hallmark cards for friends who have had an abortion, declaring either sympathy or congratulations. We don't send flowers. We don't have any ceremonies, either joyous or mournful. We have no social customs or rules of etiquette governing acknowledgment of an abortion. Instead, we all try to ignore it."
The book, "Forbidden Grief," with which Dr. David Reardon also collaborated, demonstrates that grief after abortion is neither expected nor permitted in our society. Drawing from their vast experience of post-abortion counseling, the authors illustrate some of the ways that this "disenfranchised grief" eats away at the personality, and results in harmful and bizarre behavior.
As a graduate student, Theresa Burke led a weekly support group for women with eating disorders. The meeting exploded out of control one night when, unexpectedly, the topic of abortion arose. Six of the eight participants had had abortions. This led Theresa to begin exploring the connections. One woman explained, "I am never hungry when I binge. I eat because I am full. Full of anger, hurt, sadness, and loneliness. I throw up because that is the way I empty myself of those feelings."
Every thought and emotion we have is connected to other thoughts, emotions, and memories. Connections to the negative memories associated with abortion are often overlooked, even by professional therapists.
Forbidden Grief reveals many of the connections. For example, those who undergo a trauma often re-enact that trauma, in a subconscious effort to articulate, understand, and master it. One client became obsessed with pregnancy after her abortion. She explains, "I used to go to the maternity section in department storesI usually had a towel stuffed in my pantyhose to make it look like I was pregnantbut as soon as I'd get in my car I would cry my head offI'd rip the towel out of my belly to dry my tears. I'd tell myself, you're not pregnant this is just a stupid towel."
Another rode horseback regularly without padded pants, until she bled profusely, hence re-enacting the abortion.
One way or another, we ritualize our grief.
We also sometimes try to trivialize it when we know it's too much to bear. Dr. Burke describes a dorm party in which the students, many post-abortive, played "Baby Soccer." The broken heads of dolls were kicked around the room gleefully, their eyes gouged out with darts, their cheeks burned with cigarette butts.
Other post-abortive individuals increase their risk-taking behavior, hoping they will get caught or hurt. After all, they know they are guilty, and may seek an experience to confirm that.
When society trivializes abortion, people suffering from it will, cry out by their actions, "I'm not OK! I'm in tremendous pain! Can anyone help me?" We need to tell them we know that pain, and that it makes sense to grieve. Only then can healing begin.
As for being parents, one of my friends is trying to have children and another is pregnant with her fourth. The one with children is a wonderful mother and friend. Both my friends are Christians and I'm sure it is by God's grace and forgiveness that they are able to deal with the grief.
Yeah I was surprised-- I was watching "Boston Public" on Fox, just a stupid public school drama, and one of the student characters had an abortion, despite the teachers advising her not to... Afterwards she was crushed and despondent about her decision. That surprised me that they would write that in.
My other friend, the one trying to have a baby, is a friend I've known for many years. She really took it hard. Every year on the anniversary of her baby's due date, she would loose it. She was a mess. God has done a lot in her life and she's doing much better. She recently got married and is hoping for a baby now.
I don't know how anyone can overcome this without God.
Have you found that mothers struggle with their parenting?
Yes, very much so. I can’t explain it or don’t understand it, but this is common. Also many, many times, they have trouble with infertility (which COULD be psychosomatic. Emphasis on “could”). They see not being able to get pregnant as punishment from God, since they killed the first baby he tried to give them.
What could I tell my sister counseling would be like if she decided to go to one?
From my experience, everyone present has had an abortion, therefore, they are non-judgmental, and they are an understanding, sweet group of women in great pain. So there is no debating or cat fights. LOL Just very sweet (suffering) women who need to learn how to forgive themselves.
How long does counseling go on for? Any help you can give will be helpful
Our program usually takes 6 weeks or more. You are provided a work book and you do the chapters week by week. I can’t really explain it, but basically the Holy Spirit takes over and heals your heart. What I like about it is it’s not self-help. By reading the scriptures, you begin to see God in a whole new light and come to accept his grace. If you can’t forgive yourself, then you are rejecting God’s forgiveness at a certain level. By placing yourself in a God like position to forgive or not forgive oneself, etc. Sorry to get religious on everyone. This is the only counseling I have had experience with. If she should decide to get help for her grief, you might want to STRONGLY encourage her to go to a pro life organization or a minister. If she should go to a secular Psychologist, they probably won’t offer much comfort, but say something like, “Well, be glad you live in a country where you could get a SAFE abortion”. Ugh!! (Heard that MANY times).
I hope I don’t come across as a know it all knew poster. Seems like there are several here with good advice and knowledge. This is just a very important issue to me. I have always been pro-life, wanting all babies born alive. But it wasn’t until I started working with post-abortion grief that I became “Fiercely pro-life”. I personally feel two things die that day. The baby and a piece of the mothers soul. I’m in this for the long haul…for babies AND their mothers. This gets my goat every time I see this issue brought up. Abortion clinics never tell you, “Now you are probably going to become very self-destructive after you do this. Your life will be changed forever, and you will probably have great difficulty forgiving yourself, have trouble forming close relationships, specifically your husband, have trouble loving yourself, loving the children you do allow to be born (if you are even able to get pregnant). Are you sure you want to do this?” Ugh! OK, blood pressure rising….need to sign off.
I apologize for my long winded posts. LOL This is my strongest passion and I get so MAD!!.
Think about this - if they acknowledge post-abortion stress, they would have to acknowledge that on some level it affects people negatively. Pretty soon people would be asking them why it affects people negatively if it is such an ok thing to do. What a slippery slope for them. Seems much more cost conducive for them to just ignore any possible psychological effects the way they ignore the physical ones, such as the problems with RU486 and the possible connections between breast cancer and abortion.
Sadly, most of this with my acquaintances has happened when they were young women, and as they only had reflected on it later. As for my friends, they are what I call "Casualties of the Sexual Revolution".
Please, don't apologize. Thanks for your insight--and welcome aboard!
Now, I better get to work!!!!!!! I'm learning new software that is driving me crazy! </whine>
For example, they rationalize that other people are secretly even more evil, or that 'hypocrisy' or 'judgementalism' or 'intolerance' are far greater evils than those listed in the Ten Commandments. Chris Matthews let the cat out of the bag recently when he advocated a third term for Bill Clinton, arguing that people like having a president who's 'just like them.'
In the case of a post-abortion trauma woman, maybe it's something as simple as refusing to go out on dates with nice guys, always magnifying minor attributes into major flaws, while eagerly going out on dates with rotten guys, always minimizing flaws that are glaringly obvious to everyone else.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.