How Should Devout Christians Treat Their Gay Neighbors?

As I scan the societal landscape I see that acceptance of homosexual identity and behavior, and same-sex marriage has grown. I now find my biblical point of view is the minority perspective. If a well-known Christian says that homosexual lust and sexual activity is a sin, even if that person urges kindness and respect for all, words like "hater" and "bigot" are tossed around rather freely.

And then, in the midst of all this, Jesus calls me to love my neighbor, which includes those who identify as homosexuals. I can offhandedly note to myself and others that God's accepting, forgiving grace is available to everyone, but it feels false somehow. Love the person who might like to silence me? Offer the message of Jesus' unconditional sacrifice to people who could possibly take me to court because of my beliefs?

Now, here is the weird part — I can like those who identify as homosexuals. I have befriended them. One of my classmates and a co-worker in the residence life system at my college had come out to me prior to graduation. That summer she asked if I'd be her date to her brother's wedding.

"Even though I told them you're not gay, my parents are still suspicious you're part of this somehow," my friend Mindy explained. That was a bit of a shock, but I figured if Jesus could be publicly skewered as a drunkard, a glutton and a friend of sinners (Matthew 11:19), I could take it on the chin as the friend of a lesbian. Better to love my friend and have people think of me whatever they might think, than miss the chance to be there for her.

After that wedding, Mindy went on to a successful career, and presumably deeper and deeper into homosexuality. We lost touch but I wonder about her often.

Several years into my new life in Christ I ran into Jerry. Jerry had an effeminate voice and odd way of acting. We became friends, though I was admittedly cautious, and the Lord gave me the privilege of helping him meet Christ. He ended up departing the gay identity and behavior he'd been toying with, got married, and has been married for over 25 years. I know he's still struggled with homosexuality at times, but I haven't stopped being his friend.

"I think if we get back to the Jesus of the Bible, he offered radical acceptance but not endorsement," noted Doug Pollack, director of evangelistic training for Athletes in Action, the sports arm of international college-focused ministry Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU). "I want to represent Jesus and the way he dealt with people who were far from him."

Doug has met with two leading homosexual activists and heard their stories about Christians attending events, holding signs that say "God Hates Fags" or "All Fags Will Burn in Hell."

"Any Christian that doesn't get why they are angry at us has their head in the sand," he offered. "I apologized profusely to these two women and asked them to not hold Jesus responsible for that.

"These people were hurling judgment and Jesus said he did not come to judge the world but to save it. Most of what the homosexual community has experienced from us is judgment and condemnation, their sin singled out and laser beamed with a target drawn around it."

Have I drawn a laser beam around homosexuality and said it's the big bad sin? I don't think I have. But I understand how gay and lesbian-identified people might feel this way. Is it OK to apologize for some other Christian's horrible behavior for the sake of trying to befriend someone? If I'm genuinely sorry for the way Jesus has been presented and it helps remove barriers, yes.

"I have become all things to all men, so that by all possible means I might save some," Paul said. (1 Cor. 9:22b)

Rosaria Champagne Butterfield was a vocal lesbian activist. She was a faculty advisor for the gay and lesbian student organization at Syracuse University, where she was a tenured professor of English and women's studies. She lived with her lesbian partner, believed deeply in the morality of the homosexual life, and fought hard for homosexual rights.

She had decided that most Christians were sloppy thinkers who often resorted to "The Bible says" as a trump card for any argument. Then she met Ken and Floy Smith.

Ken was a pastor of a Reformed Presbyterian church in Syracuse and reached out to Rosaria via letter after she published a critique of the Promise Keepers in a local paper. Fan and hate mail poured in. And then came Ken's letter which was well reasoned, polite and inquisitive. How had she arrived at her conclusion? How did she know she was right? Did she believe in God?

"It may seem strange to you, but no one had asked me those questions before or led me to ask them of myself," Rosaria writes in her book The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. "These were reasonable questions, but not the sort of questions that postmodern professors toss around at faculty meetings or the local bar."

She shared dinner with Ken and Floy and enjoyed a conversation that did not include an invite to church, just to friendship.

"Jesus commands us to be good neighbors and Ken and Floy lived it out," Rosaria told me over the phone as she prepped Thanksgiving for her husband and family and supervised an art project by one of her adopted kids.

"The aggressiveness of the weather pattern there creates a certain intimacy," she related. "If there was an intense snowstorm, they were checking in on me to see if I had power. Ken and Floy made it clear I was one of their people and they were going to check in with me.

Ken and Floy also had an open door policy with Rosaria and often put aside other commitments so they could spend time with her. "Visitors could pour a cup of coffee and settle down in their living room," she told me. "We could ask any question of the Bible and we all did. With Ken and Floy, you couldn't maintain the stereotype that Christians were social prigs."

"Ken made it clear he didn't identify with me and I didn't get the sense he hung out with many people from the [homosexual] community," Rosaria said. "In the world, people from a secular position want you to see them from the perspective of a world-embraced identification.

"But a Christian knows there's only one orientation in the Bible that matters, and it's not sexual; it's the soul. Our souls last forever and that's how Ken always treated me, as a person whose soul would last forever. He let the rest of it go."

Can I focus on the orientation of a person toward God and let all other worldly orientations, and how I feel about them, fall to the curb? That's the only thing that will matter in the presence of Christ.

"To know the Bible forbids it, and that it's not God's will, is one factor we have to consider," added Bev DeLashmutt, a counselor with Xenos Christian Fellowship, a megachurch in a city with an active gay population — Columbus, Ohio. "But there's a whole bunch of stuff the Scriptures say 'thou shalt not' that people struggle with and we need to have patience with. I don't know how we can isolate homosexuality and put it in a separate category. Divorce is forbidden except under certain circumstances but what's the church position on divorcees?"

"Jesus didn't expect unregenerate people to act in regenerate ways," Doug said. "If how they express themselves sexually is their expression of depravity, then how is that any different than a person who expresses their depravity through gluttony, or any other of the seven deadly sins?

"Homosexuality is depraved and it's not the way God intended. But we are all fallen and broken people."

He also urged forbearance and perseverance befriending gay and lesbian-identified people.

"When I'm in the presence of someone living that lifestyle, God and I both know how we feel about that," Doug offered. "I don't feel like I'm letting him down [by not confronting their behavior]. You don't see Jesus lowering the boom that way except on the religious people."

"She was going to be stoned and Jesus stepped in to spare her life," he said. "What an act of grace and courage that was. He definitely showed her that she had value in his sight and he stood up to the culture. When it was just him and her, he told her to leave her life of sin. That was an example of acceptance but not endorsement. I would go slow toward the sin stuff. Once a person begins opening up, those conversations will [happen]."

There's a time for truth. But heeding the counsel of James in regard to homosexual identity would seem to be wise: "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

"As this becomes more mainstream, we're going to need a new perspective," Bev offered. "More same-sex couples are going to want to come to church with their families. We have to think about and pray through all this. Even though the right and wrongness of it is not becoming questionable, the issues that go along with it are becoming more complex. We can't take a simplistic negative attitude and perspective about it."

"The only way to know how to answer another wisely is to show up as a listener and learner," Doug said. "You have to understand what it's been like to walk a mile in their shoes."

"As Christians we have to be learners," commented Bev. "I know I don't understand the issue enough; I don't understand all the personal struggles that go on with it, and I've probably had discussions with gay people more than most Christians. I want to learn and when I do learn I have learned a lot."

"If I give a short answer I'm afraid I'm going to be put in one of two camps: either I'm opposed to it and I'm a fundamentalist Christian who hates gays or I'm a liberal who thinks everything is OK," she said. "I do not sit in either one of those camps. That's why I say I want to be able to have a dialogue with them rather than give a short answer."

Really understanding someone means setting aside preconceptions and going on a journey of discovery into their hearts, as far as the other person lets you venture. Am I willing to listen to someone describe their life journey? Yes, I do that all the time. But would I hit a wall with a homosexual, especially one who thinks where they are is just great?

"How we treat this issue in next 20 years will determine what kind of voice [Christians] have left [in this society]," Doug said. "We can't keep doing it the way we've been doing it."

"When they are your neighbors, be neighborly and kind," Bev said. "We can have a dialogue with them and stay out of the grid of their interpretation of us and us of them. We don't have to make a decision for them that they need to do this or that. We just need to put down our guards and get to know each other."

"God does not get an address wrong," Rosaria shared. "And Ken and Floy and I were neighbors. Just because we were neighbors they were going to be my friend in an unconditional way."

"Everyone has a life," Rosaria said. "Our neighbors came to their worldviews through a good bit of thoughtfulness. They are not blank slates who just need to hear the Gospel."

Because of that, I also need to be a person who can deal with difficult inquiries about my faith.

"Ken and Floy didn't act as though questions about politics or sexuality were inappropriate," Rosaria offered. "I could ask any question of the Bible and I often did."

Because of Ken and Floy's hospitality, Rosaria got to meet others with checkered sexual histories who had become Christians. These people showed her how she might make a transition into a life of following Jesus. Bev also recommends finding common causes to connect with homosexuals.

"I love it when the gay community wants to help with my anti-trafficking work," she said. "There are causes that they care about and we care about and we can work together, so they get to know us and we know them. Then there's personalness instead of it just being 'those people.'"

In the end, acceptance, consistent friendliness, and Spirit-guided truth telling are the best things I can offer gays, lesbians or any person. Bev cited the example of her father in the Lord, who lived out these principles even as he was dying from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease.

His physical therapist confided to him she was a lesbian in a committed relationship with another woman, and they had children together.

"She said, 'I know you're a Christian; what do you think about me?' He told her, 'My job is to give you God's truth and give you God's love. What you do with it is your responsibility.'"

-- Clem Boyd is an Evangelical Press Association Higher Goals award-winning journalist, managing editor of Cedarville University's Cedarville Magazine, blogger at whatdoesGodwantmetodo, contributing blogger to believe.com, professor at Sinclair Community College in Dayton, OH, and author of What Does God Want Me to Do?

My son’s best friend is gay (my son is straight). I have known him since he was 8 and he has been in our lives for almost 20 years. He is like part of our family. My husband’s brother (who is deceased) was also gay and very much loved by everyone. Both know/knew our personal beliefs on the matter and our politics, as well. Those things will not change just because we happen to have people who are gay in our lives. If my son’s friend ever decided to marry another man, we could not attend or support that. This is true of many other things that our faith doesn’t support. Our hope is that we can show them through how we treat them that God loves all of us in spite of our sins and shortcomings. And that God’s love is not an endorsement of any behavior, it is rather transformative in nature.

But, I also believe that speeding, cheating one’s taxes or spouse are also wrong

Ridiculously low speed limits are a manifestation of tyranny. I just drove through Oregon on US-95, so I have first-hand experience with this. There are stretches of this road that are straight as an arrow for 15 miles at a time, so the 55 limit is absurd.

That being said...

Same as any other sinner ... love the sinner, hate the sin.

That always sounds good.. but the bible never teaches that ...God hated the sinner swell as the sin

I am not saying to hate them ....put politeness and caring perhaps and as one has said "forbearance "

That always sounds good.. but the bible never teaches that ...God hated the sinner swell as the sin

Yes, there are Scriptural references to what God hates. I'm sure you know that we are taught that we have to hate our own families in order to be disciples of Christ, and by that by our own means we have no hope of salvation.

However, I would submit to you that Christ Himself in Luke 6:27-28 and Matthew 19:19b suggests a different approach to day-to-day interaction with sinners, which applies to every one of us.

Christian correction is much easier in a spirit of conciliation, with the rewards of James 5:20 waiting for success. I think that's the forbearance you spoke of. Bless your day.

If I had a gay neighbor dying of thirst I would probably give the sob a drink of water but i would still think of him as an SoB.

Jesus said love thy enemy, not in words but in action, help them out of the ditch even if you have to puke afterwards.

I have casual friendly relationships with neighbors. Live in the northeast, so during the winter there isn’t much contact. In the nice months I would be friendly when out and about...chat about gardening, dogs, the weather....It’s not my job to condemn anyone. Now if their lifestyle infringed on my life, well then we might have a problem. If they brought it up I would state my views, I wouldn’t be shy about it, but neither would I be obnoxious. This all would depend on if they keep their private life private, ie behind closed doors as all adult sex lives should be.

His physical therapist confided to him she was a lesbian in a committed relationship with another woman, and they had children together. "She said, 'I know you're a Christian; what do you think about me?' He told her, 'My job is to give you God's truth and give you God's love. What you do with it is your responsibility.'"

What a great way to answer that question, but I would have probably added that it was impossible for them to have had children "together". And messed up the whole point of what he was saying.

Why would I know if they are gay?

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Some, you wouldn’t, many refuse to let you, “not know it”.

Same as any other sinner ... love the sinner, hate the sin.

I don't think you understand what that means. "Love the sinner" means convert them if you can and pray for them. It DOES NOT MEAN be friendly, amicable, cordial, civil, chatty, 'neighbourly' or hospitable.

But, I also believe that speeding, cheating one’s taxes or spouse are also wrong.

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Are you aware, that in most states, if you knowingly break the speed limit, you are also lying? In most instances, you sign a statement agreeing to keep all the states traffic laws when you get your driver’s license. Lying and in writing at that!

Same as any other sinner ...

Few other sins are associated with ends of great civilizations as homosexuality is. It is a direct affront to God (as an attack on His basic social institution, the family) in a degree greater than many other sins.

But if you can’t be a friend to people and give them a chance to see the love of God shining out from you, they’re never going to even think to ask, ‘Hey, what is it about you that is so different from everybody else?’

I guess you come from the happy, happy, smile and tweet bird songs school of Christianity. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, attracting followers like a pied piper or something. Nice fairy tale. In fact, few historical Saints (the real Christians) lived sanguine lives, much less cheerful ones. Gruesome scenes of suffering and even martyrdom were more typical. Leave the artificial smile act to professional actors. Being a genuine Christian is a difficult life; no need to pretend otherwise.

——”When I’m in the presence of someone living that lifestyle, God and I both know how we feel about that,” Doug offered. “I don’t feel like I’m letting him down [by not confronting their behavior]. You don’t see Jesus lowering the boom that way except on the religious people.”-——

I think we forget as Christians the Holy Spirit is one who leads them to Christ...

To be able to hear the Holy Spirit one must have an open heart, berating homosexuals for their lifestyle will close their hearts up.

I’m sure most already feel condemned even if they will never admit it...

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