Posted on 12/18/2014 3:48:36 PM PST by NYer
Ive been through hell several dozen times, and each time I go I want to take pictures and bring them back to show life-size on my living room wall with my $399 data projector from Microcenter in order to warn my family and friends. I find in the Gospel of Luke my folly in this daydream, for if they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead (16:31).
Oh, well. If people wont heed warnings, the next best thing is to give them a list of 10 must-see attractions so that theyll be able to spend their eternity in style. I checked Fodors Travel Guides to see what they had on this, and aside from a town in West Bay, Grand Cayman, theres nothing resembling the hell through which Dante, Virgil and I have traveled so often. On with the list:
The first thing to note in hell is the incredibly awesome public transportation system. Anyone whos been to Disneyworld knows how people ought to be processed through one attraction to the next. If you want to get somewhere fast, there are boats that will get you across the great bodies of water Charon and Phlegyas are the boatmen, and they work for tips and centaurs you can ride across the river of blood (worth spending some time at to watch the target practice). To get from the 7th to the 8th circle, you want to take a helicopter down, like those that occasionally descend into the Grand Canyon, and to get from the 8th to the 9th, you want to get a lift from an unbound giant. The fastest way to get to where you want to go, though, is through something akin to the Star Trek transporter just present yourself to a receptionist named Minos and name your favorite sin. Hell zap you there in a few tail flicks.
The University really needs to be your first stop. The entire first circle of hell, in fact, is a university town, populated with philosophy and fine arts majors. You could spend your whole eternity just in this place alone. Aside from the excellent classes taught by the ancient masters themselves, you get a chance to contribute to their works through pontificating on your own ideas and theories. Theres a press, too, but no one ever gets published. Also, no one ever graduates. The federal government has been investigating this phenomenon for some time because of all the federal financial aid dollars that are getting tied up here. This university, though, has a zero default rate for the loans it processes other colleges cant make the same boast, so it must be doing something right.
For those of you who like a wild night-life, the second circle of hell rivals St. Paulis in Hamburg, Germany, after hours. The discos, alcohol and prostitutes (via quick shuttle to the first two bolgias of the 8th circle) make for a scenic evening, and, as youd expect, theres a complete lack of fecundity in it all. What happens in circle 2 stays in circle 2. Literally. It cant get out. For this reason, its definitely not the kind of hotspot you want to take a date out on, and if you did, youd lose interest in him or her real fast. If youre just looking for a good time, though, with no relationships and no commitments, this circle of hell was made just for you. Of course, aside from the intoxicants, theres nothing to eat here. Youll have to wait till the next circle for your first restaurant 2 stars only, though. You can do better with a different repast.
As we pass through upper hell, be sure to make note of the living zoo of interesting creatures, oddities, really, who populate the place. Like passing through Lion Country Safari or International Wildlife Park, youll see lots of fine animals. To list a few, theres a lion, a she-wolf and a leopard in the Dark Wood just before you enter hell, a three-headed dog in the third circle (he likes the frozen snowballs, so if you see him, make one and throw it at him), and a Minotaur, Centaurs, and Harpies (oh, my). Note the one interesting thing about all of these critters once you get past the Gates of Hell is that theyre all half-human, half-beast. They actually represent something (did someone say mythological pagan creatures in a Christian hell?), and thats the nature of the sinners they stand over. All of them have that one thing in common.
Every vacation spot has its sites of historical interest. Often, when we visit a place we might just walk right on by the birthplace of a not-so-famous statesman or a not-so-interesting first public school house a town can boast. You really want to take some time out of you schedule, though, to check out the first national bank. Literally, this was the first Western double-digit banking system established following the Crusades. On display at the end of the 7th circle are all the money-lenders who grew rich off interest, reaping where they hadnt sown, and making it possible for all those folks in the 4th circle who wasted or hoarded money to cultivate their vice. While the group isnt talkative (and one would think theyd actually be quite loud since money talks), they do glitter and shine a bit. Again, its worth a passing glance, but if youve got a full day planned, dont spend too much time here.
Speaking of Crusades, you may be impressed with the entire walled city of Dis, Hells capital city, replete with flaming mosques. In the time of our journey, the West looked upon Islam as just another Christian heresy that might one day be stamped out like Arianism or Nestorianism. Mohamed the Prophet, whom youll meet down in the 8th circle, they believed was just another schismatic who popularized the Christian Ebionite belief that Christ was the messiah but was not divine. All the flaming mosques represent the perversion of the True Faith the City of Man rather than the City of God.
Lower in hell, youll want to make sure you look for the Olympic Games. The race in particular youre looking for is one in which one of Dantes old teachers is running. Please dont take offense at the nature of the race while it looks like a Gay Pride celebration, its really not. (After all, who are we to judge?) Its a celebration of the lack of whats that word again, fecundity. Any sterile actions, sexual or otherwise, could cause someone to end up here, and many who might have ended up here well meet in Purgatory and also in heaven. The reason is that at any given time, we can stop pursuing creation alone and start pursuing its Creator. While the contestants are here, though, they are indeed making great progress running around in circles.
Those of you whove seen Bern, Switzerland, have seen the Bear Pit after which the city is named. Actually, Ive always wondered if the bears came first and the city was so named, or if the bears came second to honor the name of the city. In any case, here in hell, you have got to see the tar pits in the middle of the 8th circle. If youve got an image in your head of what a demon looks like, with a tail and a pitchfork, its because of the way Dante grafted it here. This place is also the comic relief of Hell. If you werent laughing when you saw brown-nosers wallowing in excrement or fortune tellers with their heads turned backwards, youll die laughing at watching human souls ripped to pieces by demons while trying to bribe their way out of boiling pitch.
A little further down, youll find a circus of sorts. Youve heard from Matthews Gospel that he who loses his life will save it and he who finds his life will lose it (10:39), and youve heard once bitten, twice shy, but you havent heard that ‘he who steals will be stolen from.’ Here, our poet out-Ovids Ovid in the transformation of human souls to snakes and of snakes back into human souls. The trick these souls learn is to bite, when theyre a snake, the soul of someone who looks like he has a body. They steal the body and the other person turns into a snake. At least until he bites someone else. Thus is the circus played out in center ring.
Finally, and really I could have mentioned another dozen good places, is the ice skating rink down in the 9th and last circle with the local DJ at the center playing hip-hop music for all the souls on ice. The one thing you never get to ride on this kind of a rink is the Zamboni. Youd crush too many heads sticking up out of the ice if you werent careful. Even with skates, youre likely to trip over someones head (the ice is so treacherous) unless you keep to the center of the rink. The DJ named Satan cant really do anything to you since hes also frozen in the ice, the symbol of total impotence and sterility, the nature of all of hell, really.
Ping!
Level 100 Frost Mage can solo the instance, though.
Never invite a centaur over to the house. They’ll just chase you around the house, drink all your beer, and crap on your carpet.
I imagine in the 9th Circle, the play list consists of “Let It Go” “It’s a Small World”, “Run Joey Run” and “The Bertha Butt Boogie” by the Jimmy Castor Bunch.
Lol ... I would add rap, or does that even qualify as music?
Where’s the Kennedy Compound?
Part of Circle Two.
NO, NO and NO!!
"Rap" is TALKING with rhythm.
It's often white-hating and police-hating...and, of course, white cop hating. Any type of rap or songs (definition, words with MUSIC, that is MELODY) that promotes race baiting and police hating is unworthy to air. It is Satan's work disguised as "angst" of the black American.
When black/African Americans STOP qualifying their Americanism as "black," THEN and only THEN will they BE American.
The last four letters of American are I CAN.
GOOD ONE!! Excellent!
Let's just say, anything which requires a sub-woofer! :)
And what of the homeless who haven't even a place to live?
It's all too easy to forget! Rich or poor, let us be grateful to God for even the smallest blessings, as well as the Greatest of these: His Only Son!
No need to limit it to the holidays. This level of hell is reserved for the dissatisfied. Those who are blind to the blessings that have been bestowed on them.
Thanks for the affirmation! It's sad, and I pray we can all count our blessings! It just is tough to deal with... and, yeah, sadly, it's a year-round thing! Thanks and God bless you!
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