Posted on 05/15/2011 7:27:30 PM PDT by TheDingoAteMyBaby
John Evans is in no hurry to get married.
The 25-year-old returned LDS missionary lives with his parents, works full time, takes night classes toward an English degree and, with law school looming, is building up his savings.
Evans goes on dates, but they tend to be expensive so he prefers developing friendships first. Sometimes he finds it easier just to hang out with the guys at his Mormon fraternity.
“My dating pace is right for me,” Evans says. “I don’t feel stressed.”
That kind of modern nonchalance is what may be worrying LDS President Thomas S. Monson and other Mormon leaders, who addressed the issue at the church’s recent General Conference.
“Brethren, there is a point at which it’s time to think seriously about marriage and to seek a companion with whom you want to spend eternity,” Monson said at an all-male priesthood meeting.
“If you choose wisely and if you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness.”
Apostle Richard G. Scott spoke even more emphatically the next day.
“If you are a young man of appropriate age and are not married, don’t waste time in idle pursuits,” Scott urged. “Get on with life and focus on getting married. Don’t just coast through this period of life.”
Their concern is natural. After all, marriage is a core Mormon teaching and temple marriage is a prerequisite for the highest Mormon heaven.
But LDS leaders may be fighting a cultural shift. Traditional dating is almost a quaint custom on college campuses, where hanging out in groups and casual sex “hook ups” are increasingly common. Students also are worried about their financial stability.
“People in the country are pairing up,” says Brigham Young University sociologist Marie Cornwall, who teaches a class in family and social change. “They’re just not getting married.”
Past church presidents also counseled young Mormon men not to delay marriage, but there is a new urgency.
The median age for a first marriage in the U.S. has climbed to 25.8 for women and 27.4 for men. In heavily Mormon Utah, the median age for first-time brides has jumped from 20 in 1970 to 22 in 2008, and from 22 to 24 for men.
So what’s slowing down Mormons?
The picture is complicated, especially in individual cases, social scientists and LDS teachers say, but a clear trend is evident: Today’s young Mormons are not nearly as confident in the future, in their economic well-being or in their choices as their parents were.
“I really do plan on finding someone,” Evans says, “and getting married.”
Just not yet.
Monson placed the blame for Mormon men’s marital foot-dragging on financial anxiety, insistence on finding a “soul mate” and having too much fun being single. Yet there is no shame in a couple having to “scrimp and save,” Monson assured the young men. “You will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice,” he said.
He told them not to insist on finding the perfect mate, but rather a young woman “with whom you can be compatible.” A previous LDS prophet, Spencer W. Kimball, once called the idea of a “soul mate” a “fiction and an illusion.”
The issue of finding the perfect match seems especially prevalent on LDS-dominated campuses, said David Dollahite, who teaches marriage and family relations at BYU. It produces a kind of “market mentality,” Dollahite said.
“The young men think, ‘I am dating a 9.7, but if I wait, maybe I could get a 9.9.”‘
Financial instability is also real, given the country’s economic downturn. And societal attitudes are pressing in around them, said Larry Tippetts, who teaches classes on courtship and marriage at the University of Utah’s LDS institute.
“In my generation, when you met someone, you just got married, confident it would work out,” Tippetts says. “But 50 years ago it was easier to eke out a living than it is now.”
At the same time, he says, fear of a bad choice may be paralyzing young men in their search for a spouse. “These kids are terrified of making a mistake,” he said. “They think too much and overanalyze everything.”
One problem is pretty stark, Tippetts said. Many young Mormon men, even 21-year-olds who have served missions in foreign lands, have no idea how to set up one-on-one dates — because they may never have been on one.
For at least two decades, LDS leaders have counseled high-schoolers not to be romantically involved or “go steady,” but rather to engage mostly in “group dates.”
That has been a boon to lots of Mormon boys who were too shy or awkward to ask out a girl, but it hasn’t prepared young men for real dating and courtship.
“It’s hard if you’ve gone only on group dates before your mission, then you come back with the same mind-set. But now they say, `Go, go, go.’ For a lot of guys it’s too much,” says Richard Spratt, a 21-year-old returned missionary from Bountiful, Utah. “It takes effort to go on an actual date, which discourages a lot of guys.”
Facebook and texting were meant to enhance dialogue but may have “crippled” the dating scene, says Robin Walton, a Mormon from Las Vegas.
“They’ve altered our ability to interact face to face,” says Walton, 22 and a University of Utah graduate student. “After we’ve learned everything about each other on Facebook, what do we talk about on the first date?”
What about all those spirit babies waiting to be born?
I glad. I still think it is crazy. I have seen many military folks get married at the ages you claim and it is failure. Anyway until death we will never know if they will survive....same with those that get married at a responsible age. My sister got married at 23, 15 years ago so yes it does work but it is statistically more difficult and ends in divorce. I am just thankful that my sister found a good husband and four children later are doing great. But at least they finished college first. I guess that is where the responsibility part comes in. Those who don’t finish college typically don’t finish their marriages either. You need to have that desire to be successful in ALL aspects of life.
It depends. Some couples (we know a few) waited too long and can't get pregnant now that they're in their 40s and are finally "ready" (whatever that means).
As someone who's done it (had children in her 20s, 30s & 40s), I will say that even though its possible, it gets more difficult, physically.
Our last baby nearly killed me, literally. I had a dangerous, high-risk pregnancy and my heart stopped in the delivery room for reasons my doctors still aren't completely clear about.
The "bounce back" time afterwards is longer, too. It takes longer to get your figure back, have your joints return to normal, etc.
Older parents need to be fully aware of the fact that some doctors are going to push tests like amniocentesis very hard, and they need to be willing to take a stand with regard to whether or not to test, and the results of any testing done.
I have a friend who was told that her doctor would no longer see her as a patient if she didn't have a battery of tests done because of her age and the increased risk of various genetic diseases. She told him to take a flying leap, but some people are not that strong in their convictions.
It depends. Some couples (we know a few) waited too long and can't get pregnant now that they're in their 40s and are finally "ready" (whatever that means).
As someone who's done it (had children in her 20s, 30s & 40s), I will say that even though its possible, it gets more difficult, physically.
Our last baby nearly killed me, literally. I had a dangerous, high-risk pregnancy and my heart stopped in the delivery room for reasons my doctors still aren't completely clear about.
The "bounce back" time afterwards is longer, too. It takes longer to get your figure back, have your joints return to normal, etc.
Older parents need to be fully aware of the fact that some doctors are going to push tests like amniocentesis very hard, and they need to be willing to take a stand with regard to whether or not to test, and the results of any testing done.
I have a friend who was told that her doctor would no longer see her as a patient if she didn't have a battery of tests done because of her age and the increased risk of various genetic diseases. She told him to take a flying leap, but some people are not that strong in their convictions.
“But the message is: “Breed. Breed now. Partner be damned; just breed.”
That is hysterical!”
Not really. He is the CEO of his organization, and like all CEO’s, is trying to grow his organization.
BREED, BABY, Breed! BREED NOW ! ! ! Do it for the company!, errr, Church!
“I guess we do need our welfare folks and McDonald’s workers..”
Might this unenlightened one ask in which alternative universe welfare folks marry? Same for McDonalds workers?
Might this unenlightened one ask in which alternative universe welfare folks marry? Same for McDonalds workers?
Have you ever been to Appalachia. I guess you obviously haven’t. One of the most welfare ridden areas in America. You need to get out more.
Yes, most of us have fewer. We have 3, that was plenty. We have never felt any pressure whatsoever to breed, breed now, breed often. That’s just a product of your imagination. We married when I was 24, my wife 26.
A family down our street has 12 kids. I know a couple families that have 6 or 7. Most of us have in the 3-5 range.
Lol! I’m waiting for the superiority of asian women comments...
You mean Latinas are not the best?
Have you seen Miss Venezuela? Any Miss Venzuela?
‘“These kids are terrified of making a mistake,” he said. “They think too much and overanalyze everything.” “
Not exclusive to Mormons IMO.
“Today a marriage is a gamble with your life; and the rate of divorces is high. And why wouldn’t that be so if a divorce offers a financial gain to one side and an opportunity to do the same thing again? “
Having a stable family to fall back on would be some good insurance, it seems to me.
“it is insane to marry at 20.....sorry but it is.”
Oh nonsense, I married at 18, my son married at 18, we are both fine.
It depends on the people and the circumstances and a lot of other factors. Not just the age.
Neither of us have ever worked at a McDonalds, either.
As it appears, a lot of people prefer cash up front, as soon as they can grab it. Professional golddiggers do it all the time, of course, but even normal people can see some value in a lawyer's offer to get your freedom back and have a nice $100K or $200K or more on top of that. And it's worse when young children are present.
Ha! Does seem required on a FR thread involving dating and marriage.
“I guess we do need our welfare folks and McDonald’s workers..””
The welfare folks and McDonalds workers are far more likely to be unmarried, and people who had sex outside of marriage, and people who didn’t finish school.
Not the ones who married rather than fornicated and pursued their education.
But if most Mormon men delay marriage, it means their wives may only have six children instead of eight. Think of the consequences that could have.
Oh nonsense, I married at 18, my son married at 18, we are both fine.
I hope you stay that way but statistics are not on your side AT ALL.
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