Posted on 02/06/2011 7:12:09 PM PST by Colofornian
You might be Mormon if...
•You might be a mormon if you've ever referred to a friend as your "Companion."
•You might be a mormon if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
•You might be a mormon if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
•You might be a mormon if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
•You might be a mormon if all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
•You might be a mormon if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
•You might be a mormon if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
•You might be a mormon if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
•You might be a mormon if you've ever refused a coke although it's 105 degrees outside.
•You might be a mormon if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
•You might be a mormon if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink coke.
•You might be a mormon if you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and didn't need them -honest- but you were really excited to get them.)
•You might be a mormon if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.
Now, here are some additional Mormon culture jokes.
Imagine, Joseph Smith at the podium, like a post-game Superbowl coach, and he's fielding questions from "the press":
Q. "Joe, which church membership serves as kind of like an automatic visa open door into heaven? In other words, which church replaces Jesus as the savior?"
A. "...whosoever belongeth to my church need not fear, for such shall inherit the kingdom of heaven." (Summer, 1828, D&C 10:55)
Q. "Joe, didn't you say this prior to the Mormon church being established April 6, 1830?"
A. [Crickets]
Q. "Joe, what do you recommend for a bubble-bath and post-bath herb?"
A. Strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies. And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle...(Feb. 27, 1833 D&C 89:7-8)
Q. ["Joe, are you sanctioning slurp-free whiskey baths for Mormons? And are Lds ranchers healing their cattle with tobacco -- and healing their bruises with it as well?"]
A. [Mormon crickets]
Q. "Joe, why don't Mormons seem to laugh very much?"
A. "And inasmuch as ye do these things with thanksgiving, with cheeful hearts and countenances, not with much laughter, for this is sin, but with a glad heart and a cheerful countenance." (Aug. 7, 1831 D&C 59:15)
Q. "Joe, why have some Lds missionaries been seen preaching the Mormon 'gospel' to animals?"
A "Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant...Go ye, go ye into the world and preach the gospel to EVERY CREATURE that cometh under the sound of your voice." (March 1832, D&C 80:1)
Comment: Now, that actually might be more "serious" than you think...given the Star Wars series placing "animal creatures" as representatives of other planets. I mean, hey, if Kolob sends down human spirits to inhabit bodies...do other "Stars-wars" types of planets send down their animal spirit creatures into our animals?
From the article: •You might be a mormon if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
Q. "Joe, what is the one Mormon 'scripture' you've touted about truth that should be posted on every Mormon refrigerator?"
A. "And truth is established in her bowels; And the heavens have smiled upon her" (Sept. 22-23, 1832 D&C 84:101)
Q. "Joe, what other 'frigerator verses' do you recommend that Mormon families post there?"
A. "The residue hereafter. Even so. Amen." (Aug. 8, 1831, Doctrine and Covenants 60:17)
"Thank you, Joe!"
(You can't just assume a non-existent foundation without first establishing your argument)
No kidding. We have a group of people under the guise of a religion called Islam that want to kill infidels and make women 2nd class citizens and this person is going after Mormons.
Actually, I’ve heard these jokes from Mormons.
Didn’t see the green jello one though.
Everest, don't we take our cultural cue from a certain "Lord" named Jesus Christ? Who are we to follow when it comes to setting cultural priorities? Jesus and the apostle Paul? or Everest?
Here's Jesus:
"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him." (Luke 12:4-5)
So does Jesus say, "fear the Muslims?" (No)
Does Jesus say "fear those who can kill your bodies?" (No)
Instead, does He say to exercise fear of the One who has authority to cast somebody into hell? (Yes)
So, indeed, our "fear" is on behalf of those who are placing their eternal spiritual lives at risk.
As for "going after" anybody, you've got it turned around.
I think it's past time that before someone critiques us for critiquing Mormonism, that they take a look at the founding vision of Mormonism -- and realize that it's built upon the attempt to build a foundation on the spiritual graveyard of Christianity.
Joseph Smith knew that unless he could play scorched-earth religious politics, and get Christianity 100% out of the way, that no "restoration" was necessary. He would be irrelevant. Superflous. So he needed to bury Christianity in its entirety.
Does the following 1820s original vision of Joseph Smith, which a later generation of Mormons converted into Lds "scripture," sound like Kum Ba Yah hugging and embracing of Christians?
18 My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. 19 I was answered that I must join NONE of them, for they were ALL wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that ALL their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were ALL corrupt... (Joseph Smith - History, vv. 18-19, Pearl of Great Price)
So, are you that closed-eyes?...Lds created a huge division in the religious community in the 1830s by labeling all Christians apostates...by calling 100% of our creeds an "abomination" to their god...and by saying we were 100% wrong and unjoinable as churches...all the while calling our leaders/teachers and/or professing believers 100% "corrupt."
Then they decided to spread that slander worldwide with over 100 different translations of that "scripture" and they've literally sent out a million missionaries to discuss our so-called complete apostasy thru the generations.
So what? You think Lds have held our hands all these years? Why is it so many FReepers flunk fundamental history? Joseph Smith tried to build the biggest spiritual graveyard where he tried to bury all Protestants, all Catholics, and all Orthodox -- and say, "I'm building a restoration upon that graveyard."
Re: Mormons: our discussions about ultimate spiritual aspects doesn't keep...
...Lds and Christian Boy Scout leaders from working together on behalf of our youth;
it doesn't stop us from working together @ food pantries to feed the poor;
and it doesn't stop us from working together to protect marriage.
Just because Mormons flatly label me as an "apostate" -- even though I was never a member of their church;
and they label ALL of my creeds as putrid;
and they claim my church is "unjoinable" doesn't prevent me from linking arms with Lds to defend conservative principles, protect families, and nurture children in this country.
So all I ask if a few get over their felt needs to shield the Mormons from spiritual realities! Believe me, most Mormons I know are mature enough to handle dialogues, discussions, and debates -- even intense ones! I think we should start giving them more credit for being able to engage in these things 'cause otherwise some attitudes among too many FReepers amounts to an awful lot of patronizing and treating them like children!
As Paul was leaving the church of Ephesus, he warned them with this high-priority alert:
"I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears." (Acts 20:29-31)
Paul's cultural priority? (Defend against the false disciples who will proselytize the flock and draw away men unto themselves!)
Tell me something, Everest: If you did something tearfully night and day for three years, do you think it's rather important? So what? We're just to conclude, "Oh, the man who contributed a good chunk to the New Testament -- what does he know about cultural priorities?"
I'll take Paul's and Jesus' already-revealed priorities--along with Jesus' brother, Jude, who told us to "contend for the faith once delivered to the saints" (Jude 3).
A. "Let your families be small..." (March 8, 1833 D&C 90:25)...before Smith added a couple dozen "wives."
What is a Presbyterian? A Presbyterian is a Baptist who likes to drink but doesn’t have enough money to be Episcopalian.
>>Which of those questions was “difficult?”
None of them were difficult, but many of them apply to me (a Methodist) just as much as they do a Mormon. Let’s deal wtih the “religion” that is trying to kill us and then we can worry about the one that has misconceptions about the fundamentals of Christianity. Until Mormons strap on their suicide vests and blow up their cars, I’ll consider them my brothers and sisters.
“Hmmm... so why start a thread to give Mormons a difficult time?”
Because it gives the poster and her ‘Mormon-Hater’ followers a reason to attack anyone that asks that very question.
I’ve been wondering for years what they hope to gain by constantly posting everything negative about Mormons. Perhaps their family life sucks so bad that they have to project their hatred on others? Perhaps it is envy? Perhaps it is some sick form of getting attention that they don’t get at home? I really don’t know what drives them.
I assure you that they are pinging each other right now and coordinating their attack.
Just watch....you’ll see.
Whoa!!!
It’s a good thing you are not the assuming name calling type.
Magritte, what do you think of Joseph Smith's version of American continent Jews?
"Having all manner of fruit, and of grain...And also all manner of cattle...cows, and of swine...and also many other kinds of animals which were useful for the food of man. (Ether 9:17-18, Book of Mormon)
Do you think Smith is right in saying/implying that Jews ate the food of "swine?"
* You might be a Mormon if you have...special...underwear.
You want to tell the person lost due to the LDS, or Buddhism or what have you “Sorry, Muslim were all I was interested in”
Many Methodists are conservative. Many others in the United Methodist mainline church have become outright liberals.
If we took your advice seriously, the conservative Methodists could never hope to hold the liberal Methodists accountable by their lack of true Biblical adherence. Why? Because according to your new "gospel" YOU are preaching, you don't seem to be able to multi-task.
According to this lame "gospel" of yours, you can't even take on both liberals and Muslims because you're so bogged down with "deal[ing] with the 'religion' that is trying to kill us".
Notice the "sequential" arrangement of your challenge: "And THEN we can worry about the one that has misconceptions about the fundamentals of Christianity."
How long have you had this juggling problem? How long have you been under a naive understanding that when, say, a ground troop goes to war, they only have to worry about a single "front line?"
What? You've never heard of flank attacks? What? You didn't know that our boys in the Korean war not only were facing North Koreans, but the Chinese as well?
What? Are you so ignorant of WWII that you think that your strategy of "let's deal with the Japanese that are trying to kill us and THEN we can worry about the Germans in another theater?" just wouldn't work???
I tell you what...maybe I've credited you too much with being one of those conservative Methodists...'Cause it doesn't sound to me like you might be familiar with those three Biblical verses cited in post #6.
Hate to say it (no I don’t) BeanCounter, but the only post on this thread to this point that is filled with hateful speech and invective is none other than yours.
I have many Mormon friends. All think I’m going to hell because I’m a Christian who simply believes in God’s forgiveness and grace. I love them anyway. They’re nice folks who have gotten themselves enmeshed in a cult that continuously sucks them in deeper and deeper.
They’re a little like Islamist, in that respect, though they no longer seek to kill the folks who leave their camp, as Brigham Young, et al, used to do in the early days of the LDS.
To argue the facts, even with a little humor, is healthy. If we can argue politics, religion is also fair game.
Here you just engaged in a "rabid...anti"-'anti' intolerant "vicious vindictive written garbage"...a true "hate filled rant" on your part that compared me to Nazis & the Holocaust.
But I guess your elitist posture "allows" you such "permission" to engage in this...but anybody who dares disagrees with your perameters is fair game for being a target of your rabidity, viciousness, vindictiveness, and hate.
So, tell us: Which standards are we to believe? What you preach? Or what you practice?
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