10 Types of Catholics

The Last Papist Standing ^ | 1/14/11 | Robert Kumpel

[markomalley]

It used to be that you could define a Catholic as someone who followed and worshipped Jesus Christ as taught in the Bible and by Sacred Tradition. A Catholic would follow the laws of the Church, the Magisterial teachings of the Church and lived according to the Church’s discipline. There are still Catholics with us today, however, there are many sects and divisions in the Church. Here is a breakdown of some of the larger groups:


1. The Cafeteria Catholic
Also known as the “Pick and Choose” Catholic, these Catholics will insist to the death that they are true members of the Church, but refuse to have any part of any teaching that they find inconvenient, difficult or disagree with. This group exploded in size the publication of Humanae Vitae, since it coincided with the “Civil Rights Movement” of the 60’s. Instead of using their faith to influence popular culture, popular culture has swallowed them whole.


2. The Ignorant Catholic
This is the Catholic who prides himself on his Church membership, but has little idea of what the Church teaches. Sadly many of these Catholics are graduates of Catholic schools. They manage to fool most of us because they know how to “act” Catholic at the right time, but engage them in a discussion and their lack of knowledge quickly betrays itself. Superstitious practices are often a good way to recognize this type, as they may consult horoscopes, wear the Italian horn, or follow psychics for advice.


3. The Self-Hating Catholic
If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, this Catholic imperils his soul by not digging deeper into Catholic history. This is the Catholic who will rail against all the corrupt medieval popes, denounce Pius XII as an embarrassment and is so likely to believe in the Gunpowder Plot, that he’ll celebrate Guy Fawkes Day with the Anglicans. He’s also the one Catholic most likely to insist on no statues in the new church, because he thinks Catholics used to worship Mary. Has spent more time studying The Da Vinci Code than reading a credible Catholic history. Don’t even bother trying to explain indulgences to the Self-Hating Catholic. His mind is made up.


4. The Feel-Good Catholic
This Catholic always has a smile on his or her face and is the one least likely to ask any questions. Everything in the Church is just find and dandy and they just want everyone to get along. This is the least likely of all Catholics to defend the faith, since in their mind, there is nothing worth fighting for. It’s easy to guess the Feel-Good Catholic’s favorite song: Kumbaya.


5. The (snipped) Catholic
Also known as the “Appeasing Catholic”, this Catholic is so scandalized by the division of Christianity that he will sacrifice anything to bring “unity”, including the truth.


6. The Vatican II Obsessed Catholic
Following Ezra Pound’s dictum, “Make it new”, this Catholic has little use for anything that predates 1970. The more modern, the better, be it church architecture, new movements, experimental liturgies or alternative theologies. Thanks to this Catholic, Vatican II’s documents remain unread by most of us and the hermeneutic of rupture continues to hold sway. Needless to say, these kinds of Catholics have a stranglehold on most chanceries. Fortunately, this kind of Catholic also tends to be the oldest.


7. Priest Worshippers
Very much in the (snipped) vein, this kind of Catholic falls easily into the cult of personality and has expanded the doctrine of Papal Infallability beyond ex Cathedra statements on Faith and Morals, applying the quality to every ordained priest’s every utterance. This has left many parishes wide open for heretical teachings and Masses loaded with novelties to satisfy the whims of whomever is offering Mass. This is also one of the most likely Catholics to leave the Church, since when a favorite priest is finally transferred or dies, they often stop attending Mass because, “It’s just not the same.”


8. Christmas & Easter Catholics
Sometimes called the “Poinsettia and Lilly Catholic”, these are the people who make attending Mass on Christmas and Easter such a pain by taking up all the parking spaces and pews. Actually, they would be a welcome burden, if this was the beginning of their return to living as Catholics. Unfortunately, it usually is not.


9. Join-the-Club Catholics
It’s all about the organization: The Knights of Columbus, the Altar Society, the Holy Name Society, etc. . Although these are all fine organizations, this Catholic believes that the more they keep doing whatever the club says, the better Catholics they are. Many of these folks are good Catholics, but they are so easily distracted. “Can I interest you in some tickets for…?”


10. Fallen-Away Catholics
America’s largest religious denomination.

[Le Chien Rouge]

I am a #2 Ignorant Catholic....guilty as charged...but I’m slowly finding my way back.

I prefer to do this journey on my own.

[patriot preacher]

Bookmark — interesting analysis

[antiRepublicrat]

Those who understand binary and those who don’t?

[Alex Murphy]

Priest Worshippers...this kind of Catholic falls easily into the cult of personality and has expanded the doctrine of Papal Infallability beyond ex Cathedra statements on Faith and Morals, applying the quality to every ordained priest’s every utterance.

Which, if you replace the word "priest" with "pope", describes IMO the majority of Catholics who post in the Religion Forum.

[Theo]

Ah, such division within the Catholic Church! ;-)

[Illuminatas]

Ok, in the vein of binary humor: Walk up to someone you dont like and say “Four”. (count it on your fingers...)/thread hijack.

[massgopguy]

#9 and we’ll be serving breakfast at the Parish senior housing tomorrow morning. Pancakes, sausage, bacon, corned beef hash, hash brown potatoes and scrabbled eggs.

Vivat Jesus!

[massgopguy]

How about Hexidecimal? I’ll see your 1001001 and raise you an EE00.

[Carpe Cerevisi]

Which, if you replace the word "priest" with "pope", describes IMO the majority of Catholics who post in the Religion Forum.

Talk about painting with a broad brush - maybe us papists should take a poll. I for one, don't worship the pope. Anyone else?

[loungitude]

Binary suduko:

10
01

[al_c]

How about Hexidecimal? I’ll see your 1001001 and raise you an EE00

Dang, that's a big raise right there!

[verga]

Which, if you replace the word "priest" with "pope", describes IMO the majority of Catholics who post in the Religion Forum.

Talk about painting with a broad brush - maybe us papists should take a poll. I for one, don't worship the pope. Anyone else?

I can honestly say that I worship the Pope just as much as the Prots engage in the idolatry of worshipping the Bible, actually less

[Secret Agent Man]

THe #10 Catholic - does this contain the person who has left the Catholic church but now is in another denomination?

[antiRepublicrat]

I can see how that works if you use the thumb for counting. Cute.

[MeganC]

#11: Hypocrite Catholics. Those are the Catholics who irrationally deny that groups 1-10 even exist.

[Mach9]

Not sure that those ten types don’t overlap, hugely. In reality, there may be only four: obedient-knowledgeable, obedient-ignorant, disobedient-ignorant, disobedient-knowledgeable. In descending order. Per my paster 40 years ago.

[BenKenobi]

Second reply in the thread.

Those folks would be the ones who complain about the Panzerkardinel.

I don’t see any of the folks here who loved Pope John Paul, complaining about the Panzerkardinel.

[BenKenobi]

At least you don’t mutilate the pope. Do you cut off his hand and then proclaim Sola Papa? Pope alone? ;)

[johniegrad]

You forgot the ‘I’m more orthodox than you because I watch EWTN’ Catholic.