Catholic Horses (humor)

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

"Born a calf, raised a steer . . . now a fish!"

"It's all right son, I got him with the door."

I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but I don't get either one of those, could you please explain? Thanks.

The jokes are old as the hills, but they've kind of gone out of circulation (I think it was C.S. Lewis who said there's nothing so funny as an old joke when you take it out again after a rest of a couple of hundred years).

I'll give you the short version without all the circumstantial detail.

First joke: A Jewish guy converts to Catholicism. According to the joke (although of course there's nothing like it in the rites of Baptism or Confirmation) the priest baptizes him and intones, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic!" One Friday, the convert's neighbors see him grilling a nice thick juicy steak on the barbeque and ask him, what gives? He smiles, takes some holy water, sprinkles it on the steak, and intones, "Born a calf, raised a steer, now a fish!"

Second joke: A truck driver gives a priest a lift, they chat, and the trucker confesses that he has a terrible urge to run over lawyers. They see a lawyer walking along the sidewalk, the trucker swerves, then exclaims, "I'm so sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer." Priest replies, "It's all right son, I got him with the door."

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