You just HAD to do it; didn't you!
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"
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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
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A sad-faced mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Here ya go; but you look like yer dog just died."
The mushroom says, "Rejection - all I get is rejection. I ask these girls out and they all turn me down."
The bartender says, "You seem like swell fella to me."
The mushroom replied, "Thanks, but I get that a lot. All my friends say I'm a fun guy."
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A piece of string walks into a bar.
He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!"
The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him."
So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro.
It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."
The string answers, "Sorry; but I'm a frayed knot."
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Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself, too."
Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender.
He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."
The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money."
The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.
A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get nasty when you're drunk."
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Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?"
Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck".
Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck"
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"
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A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50.
The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60.
Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him.
He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder!"