Posted on 09/22/2009 7:29:33 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
Years ago, a family therapist was asked, “What are the top three causes of divorce?” to which he replied, “Selfishness, selfishness, selfishness!” Of course this is an oversimplification of the varied and many contributing factors to divorce but there is an element of truth in this statement that permeates each.
At the core of all that ails the human race is selfishness: this innate love of self-self-worship-or pride. We alienate ourselves from one another when we elevate our desires, our opinions, and our feelings above others. We cheat and steal because we want, we lie and deceive because we give priority to our self-interests, we murder-in actuality or with words-because our puny sense of supremacy is threatened. This is the very sin that separates us from God: our love of self over and against the Father. In short, we are deplorably selfish beings consumed with satisfying our own appetites and desires, often without regard for anyone else.
This is the dreadful state in which the Lord finds us-and despite our active resistance to his rightful rule in our hearts, our thoughts, and actions, he lovingly subdues our rebellious pride with his grace and mercy. He saves us from eternal alienation that our stubborn resistance brings! The old man, so infatuated with himself, is crucified and buried with Christ; we are raised to a new life in Christ (see Romans 6:4). However, this new life doesn’t just happen. Our will, which was once in bondage to sin, has been freed to pursue godliness in obedience to Christ through faith. Paul, writing to the church at Ephesus, tells us that we are to be taught to cast away our “old self” and “to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22–24, NIV). C. S. Lewis summed it up in saying, “To become new men means losing what we now call ourselves” (Mere Christianity).
The clearest clue to what this new self looks like is given in Paul’s letter to the Philippians when he writes, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5–7, NIV). This is a radical departure from our selfish nature into one that denies self even in the face of offense. This same nature is, of course, the foundation for marriage-but also all relationships.
In Ephesians, Paul lays out the foundation of marriage as being rooted in a mutual love and submission, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:22, 25, NIV). Notice also that Paul begins this chapter with the charge to “Be imitators of God,” another reference to the disposition described in Philippians chapter two. Later in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul compares this joining of two people into “one flesh” to that of Christ and his bride, the church (see Ephesians 5:32). Thus marriage-this “profound mystery,” according to Paul-transcends anything resembling a mere contractual obligation. Nor is marriage simply a self-serving means to personal happiness; Christian couples should strive for and display this self-denying disposition.
Another aspect that should govern Christian marriage is the doctrine of God’s sovereignty.
Do we believe that when we suffer, we suffer outside the will of God, or do we believe that God allows suffering to enter our lives for his good purpose? Isn’t there the expectation that we, too, will share in the sufferings of Christ, that “we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22, NKJV)? While we do not eagerly seek to suffer, don’t we believe that suffering bears sweet fruit nourished by bitter tears and that such fruit is nothing less than holy character (see Romans 5:2–4)? If we believe that God in his providence causes everything to “work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose”(Romans 8:28, NLT), then wouldn’t it be reasonable to conclude that such suffering may also come in the form of a troubled marriage?
That being the case, wouldn’t we be expected to persevere rather than seek escape, trusting God for both endurance and the outcome? It is here-in the domain of our so-called domestic happiness-that we may be tempted to draw a boundary, saying, in essence, “Lord, you may come this far but no farther.” It is often in this context that the old self returns in an effort to assert his rights: “I need, I want, I deserve!” However, the Christian is compelled to lay down these rights and instead trust in God, believing that his grace is indeed sufficient in all things including an oppressive and loveless marriage. It is here that the Christian patiently endures, trusting the Lord for the grace to do so, and hopes for a future where God may be pleased to set things right.
Please do not think I am suggesting that the person suffering physical abuse remain in a situation whereby he or she is subjected to physical harm. I am not! However, that is a topic for another time, as I am presently addressing divorce for no other reason than the failure to achieve personal “happiness.” This is where we Christians either begin to differ from the world or remain worldly. The Christian life does not culminate in a quest to be happy but to be holy!
If our attitude is to be the same as that of Christ Jesus, then consider how Jesus responds to his frequently unfaithful bride, the church. Every one of us has, at some point, been unfaithful to Christ; we have wantonly rebelled against him, we have been indifferent, even abusive in our disregard toward him. We have all failed to love him at times and we constantly put our needs ahead of his. And yet Jesus never says to us, “That’s it, I’ve had it! I will not take this abuse anymore; you are selfish and uncaring; you don’t love me or make me feel special, so I am out of here!” Can you imagine these words coming out of the Savior’s mouth? Never!
So it is to be with us. For those poor souls who walk in darkness, there is no chance of assuming the self-denying character of Christ; but for those whom Christ has made alive, there is the all-sufficient well of grace. It is to Christ that the Christ-follower must go with his “irreconcilable differences,” not to the courts. It is only Christ who reconciles the unrighteous with the righteous and it is Christ that can reconcile husband and wife.
The question for the church is this: Will we truly trust him in all things, including while we suffer marital maelstroms? Will we follow Christ when it is most difficult? If we won’t, then not only will we fail in our witness, we will never know the freedom of living by faith. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________
S. Michael Craven is the President of the Center for Christ & Culture. Michael is the author of Uncompromised Faith: Overcoming Our Culturalized Christianity (Navpress). Michael's ministry is dedicated to renewal within the Church and works to equip Christians with an intelligent and thoroughly Christian approach to matters of culture in order to demonstrate the relevance of Christianity to all of life. For more information on the Center for Christ & Culture, visit: www.battlefortruth.org. Michael lives in the Dallas area with his wife Carol and their three children.
Well the new versions of the Bible came out so as to make it easy for people to study the Bible.
I have read that in Biblical times women were expected to be virgins. If the new husband discovered his bride to be used property on their wedding night he could accuse her of fornication, and if proven, she would be stoned to death. If the husband slept with her he could no longer use that as an excuse. Deuteronomy 22:13
In all of these the desire is to be “unselfish”.
Socialism - This is born of the desire to have your wants and needs provided by others. Selfish.
Marxism - Primarily driven by a desire to control others. Selfish.
Wife swapping, public tolerance and even celebration of immorality - Covetous, to begin with. Furthermore, sins of this nature are driven by the ones desire to "do things my way by my rules" while rejecting God's law. Those who push for public tolerance and/or celebration of perversion and immorality are doing so because of their own perversion and immorality. They're the same who want to shut down conservative talk radio because "it's offensive." Selfish.
Some Pharisees came to him . They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven't you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Mark 10:5 has this added note...
"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied.
(Emphasis mine)
peace
Exactly. God knows the hardness of the human heart. Remember, the Law is perfect.
When you discuss marriage between 2 believers, it is different. But when one is not a Christian, and is bent on destroying the other, allowances are made - see 1 Cor 7.
Also, note that Jesus DID allow for divorce for adultery - once the bond is severed, divorce is allowed.
I’m not praising divorce, but it isn’t quite a “no divorce” situation.
Sorry, but the tolerance for socialism, marxism, and wife-swapping arises in the great majority out of a desire to be selfless, and out of a impaired sense of self.
For some — the bullies of life — it is selfish, sure. But for the majority who get caught in them, it is a lack of strong sense of self that allows them to become trapped by the trappers of men.
“I believe no one should get married. People change over the course of a lifetime and you will not be married to the same person you married 10 years before.”
__________________
Real Love is a more of a decision, less of a warm-fuzzy emotion.
People have a lot of friendships that go back more than 10 years. Why not a friendship with your spouse?
My husband is older than when I met him, and snores more, and has gained weight. But he is still a good man with strong hands and a strong mind. I am fatter than when I met him, but I can still make him proud, put a certain twinkle in his eye, keep him company, and ease his life’s load. We have been married since 1996.
Also, people are really short-sighted about marriage, I think. Years from now, when you are old or sick and unable to care for yourself, it is these old, deep ties of loyalty and belonging that will help your loved ones help you. I think loyalty and faithfulness are a couple of the most undervalued virtues of our time, and they take years to bear fruit.
I would encourage anyone who is ready to dare to know and accept someone as they truly are to go ahead and get married. I would warmly wish the contentment and friendship of a committed, mature marriage upon everyone who is brave enough to give it a go.
bump
I think you are confusing selfishness with strength of will.
They are separate things.
There is only one sin that is not forgivable and divorce ain't it.
Thanks for posting. Dr. Laura talks about 3 exceptions to staying in a marriage, the AAA (”triple A”). Abuse, adultery, and addiction.
While my little ones were playing in the bathtub, I managed to read the beginning of St. Catherine of Siena’s “Dialogues”. She talks of suffering being of no merit unless it is united with Christ’s love. Here is a paragraph:
Then, the Eternal Truth seized and drew more strongly to Himself her desire, doing as He did in the Old Testament, for when the sacrifice was offered to God, a fire descended and drew to Him the sacrifice that was acceptable to Him; so did the sweet Truth to that soul, in sending down the fire of the clemency of the Holy Spirit, seizing the sacrifice of desire that she made of herself, saying: “Do you not know, dear daughter, that all the sufferings, which the soul endures, or can endure, in this life, are insufficient to punish one smallest fault, because the offense, being done to Me, who am the Infinite Good, calls for an infinite satisfaction? However, I wish that you should know, that not all the pains that are given to men in this life are given as punishments, but as corrections, in order to chastise a son when he offends; though it is true that both the guilt and the penalty can be expiated by the desire of the soul, that is, by true contrition, not through the finite pain endured, but through the infinite desire; because God, who is infinite, wishes for infinite love and infinite grief. Infinite grief I wish from My creature in two ways: in one way, through her sorrow for her own sins, which she has committed against Me her Creator; in the other way, through her sorrow for the sins which she sees her neighbors commit against Me. Of such as these, inasmuch as they have infinite desire, that is, are joined to Me by an affection of love, and therefore grieve when they offend Me, or see Me offended, their every pain, whether spiritual or corporeal, from wherever it may come, receives infinite merit, and satisfies for a guilt which deserved an infinite penalty, although their works are finite and done in finite time; but, inasmuch as they possess the virtue of desire, and sustain their suffering with desire, and contrition, and infinite displeasure against their guilt, their pain is held worthy. Paul explained this when he said: If I had the tongues of angels, and if I knew the things of the future and gave my body to be burned, and have not love, it would be worth nothing to me. The glorious Apostle thus shows that finite works are not valid, either as punishment or recompense, without the condiment of the affection of love.”
Then why ask what God wants?
i’m betting she wrote exclusively in lowercase letters and listened obsessively to rush limbaugh/glennbeck/michael savage....
Sorry I shan’t join in re-writing the dictionary.
She liked to call names and report me to the moderator, too.
She was a harridan and a bitch but she’s a good mom to the boys, I’ll give her that.
dang, she’s a freeper? wow.
“I’ve always wondered what married men or women who take scripture seriously should do if their spouse are habitually abusive.”
________
I have read an article about Catholic teaching on this that said, in the case of abuse, you should separate. Emphatically, you do not have to put up with abuse. But you do leave the door open that someday the person may have a change of heart and learn to behave appropriately. The possibility for God’s grace to work to convert his or her heart is still there, but you have your safety and dignity. The abusive spouse may change, God willing, or they may divorce you. But you did not break your commitment.
I have actually seen this play out. My husband’s aunt (evangelical Protestant) was married to an unfaithful, abusive man. She threw him out, and he divorced her, but she never remarried. She considered herself still married in God’s eyes. She raised her kids, taught school, lived her faith, and died at 91, having visited every continent.
God did not save her marriage; her spouse was not open to His Grace. But God did save her. Her life was full of joy and good purpose, friends and adventures. At her funeral, all kinds of people, shared about her goodness, her service to others, her perseverance in the face of difficulties.
The marital bond is between you, your spouse and God. God and Aunt Lois kept their bond, and she had a full life.
What happened at her spouse’s funeral? Who knows.
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