Here's a deep, dark secret: You're perfect, and everything you do is precisely what God wants you to do.
Remind yourself of that whenever you feel "out of control" or otherwise less-that-perfect.
A verbis ad verbera
I do not blame God, I blame Satan (amongst others). I am not angry at Him, but I do feel as though I have let Him down. Treatment, however, hasn’t been much successful, and is often a trade-off for swapping one set of problems for another. Extremely expensive to boot. Doctors can only go so far. The awful side-effect of it crippling my physical health over time to the point that I cannot have a normal life like an average person is the worst of all. I just cannot see it as being anything but a curse and an enormous burden, with some days so bad, it’s like having a 2-ton weight pushing one face-first into the ground and you cannot even breathe.
Here's a deep, dark secret: You're perfect, and everything you do is precisely what God wants you to do.
Remind yourself of that whenever you feel "out of control" or otherwise less-that-perfect.
I admire the fact that you keep fighting. It does sound like an attack from satan and I think you are wise not to blame God, but when I have found myself in similar situations I did wonder why God didn’t stop the attack. If He decided not to allow it, it wouldn’t happen. And I did get angry at God. But somewhere I came to believe that God really is always at work for my good. And I decided that if he was allowing me this pain, then He was using it for my best - even if it felt awful. I know that sounds crazy. But he did transform me. My life isn’t perfect, but I do now have joy. I’m not always giddily happy, but I have a deep sense of peace almost always now. The apostle Paul begged God three times to take away what he called his “thorn in the flesh.” God responded by telling him, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Paul came to see the thorn as a gift that kept him from becoming proud. It moved him to rely completely on God. Joseph was sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers - after they had left him for dead in a well. 12 years later he was able to say, “What man intended for evil, God has turned for good and the saving of many lives.” Joseph had become the second most powerful man in all of Egypt - through what he had suffered.
I recently read a statement from a columnist who had bipolar disorder. He said that his depression made him a kinder, more sensitive person. I hope God shows you the meaning of what you have suffered. Your fight has encouraged me. It has not been fought on a level playing field. That makes all of your accomplishments even m,ore significant. And, if you are like me, then just getting out of bed has sometimes been a heroic feat.