I admire the fact that you keep fighting. It does sound like an attack from satan and I think you are wise not to blame God, but when I have found myself in similar situations I did wonder why God didn’t stop the attack. If He decided not to allow it, it wouldn’t happen. And I did get angry at God. But somewhere I came to believe that God really is always at work for my good. And I decided that if he was allowing me this pain, then He was using it for my best - even if it felt awful. I know that sounds crazy. But he did transform me. My life isn’t perfect, but I do now have joy. I’m not always giddily happy, but I have a deep sense of peace almost always now. The apostle Paul begged God three times to take away what he called his “thorn in the flesh.” God responded by telling him, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Paul came to see the thorn as a gift that kept him from becoming proud. It moved him to rely completely on God. Joseph was sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers - after they had left him for dead in a well. 12 years later he was able to say, “What man intended for evil, God has turned for good and the saving of many lives.” Joseph had become the second most powerful man in all of Egypt - through what he had suffered.
I recently read a statement from a columnist who had bipolar disorder. He said that his depression made him a kinder, more sensitive person. I hope God shows you the meaning of what you have suffered. Your fight has encouraged me. It has not been fought on a level playing field. That makes all of your accomplishments even m,ore significant. And, if you are like me, then just getting out of bed has sometimes been a heroic feat.
I don’t know how much of it I’d call fighting, there’s been a lot more surrendering, and that’s not a good thing. It’s just exceptionally difficult, and so much of it seems so utterly pointless (the pointlessness being more a tool of Satan’s than of God’s). Of course, sometimes our lives, especially disastrous ones, are often only meant as a warning sign to others not to let it happen to you. Well, I guess I won’t know for sure until after I buy the farm, and perhaps not even then. I still fear I’m going to be met with a lot of head-shakes and tongue-clicks on Judgment Day for having wasted a lot of time (alas, a particularly nasty side effect of depression and illness when you are so sapped and discouraged from trying to overcome). Unlike you, however, as time passes, I become more bitter and moribund, especially towards my own failings. Probably far too much self-pity, which is likely also more sinfulness. I’m also just very tired in every regard. It’s very hard to relate the bulk of my situation with most others, and perhaps in a way, that’s a relief, because I wouldn’t want most people to walk in my shoes.