Posted on 07/10/2009 7:52:08 AM PDT by P-Marlowe
Dear Twins: I’m having a little get-together at my house to celebrate Calvin’s 500th birthday in July. Do you have any recommendations on appropriate party snacks I could serve? — Caroline Burr, Casper, WY
Maurice: Good question, Caroline. With all the whoop-de-doo about Calvin’s 500th, you would think just one reformed theologian out there would have the decency to shut up about Calvin’s influence on soteriology long enough to tell us what kind of treats to bring to a party.
Emmett: You came to the right place, Caroline. Maurice and I are known as the idiot-savants of Calvinistic party planning.
Maurice: Well, you’re half right.
Emmett: Needless to say, a “Calvin 500″ celebration needs to serve munchies that are tasty, yet doctrinally correct. A reformed party could be easily ruined if one were to accidentally serve profane food like sushi, tofu, or God forbid, quiche. Many a sound Calvinist have been led down the road to Arminianism with their first bite of spinach florentine.
Maurice: That’s fine, Emmett, but we need to remember that Calvin was born in France. That’s why I believe Caroline’s best bet for laying out a stunning “Calvin 500″ spread would be with French cuisine. In fact, serving an array of gourmet cheeses and fine wines would be a splendid choice, along with other French favorites like coq au vin, foie gras, escargot…
Emmett: Don’t forget McDonald’s French fries.
Maurice: That’s not French, Emmett. That’s fast food. A French delicacy like escargot is not in the same category as fast food.
Emmett: I agree. Snails are neither “fast” nor “food.”
Maurice: (Sighs) As I was saying: there are several varieties of wines that match up well with gourmet cheeses. For example, an excellent pairing would be French chevre with a Robert Mondavi Pinot Noir.
Emmett: For the Reformed Baptist teetotaler, might I suggest a fine Welch’s white or a full-bodied Juicy Juice from 2005? I understand it was a very good year for juice boxes.
Maurice: (Glaring) Can I finish?
Emmett: Not if you’re going to lead Caroline astray with all this Frenchie foo-foo nonsense. You’ve been spending way too much time watching Ratatouille instead of studying your Reformation history, brother.
Maurice: What are you prattling on about?
Emmett: Obviously, Maurice, you’ve forgotten the historical precedent that should guide the planning of every Calvinistic party menu. This was all laid out at the Synod of Dort way back in 1618.
Maurice: It was?
Emmett: And you call yourself a theologian? Good grief, man, if you spent any time doing research you would have been aware that a small group of men from a Synod of Dort breakout session got together for breakfast on Saturday morning, November 17th, 1618 at the local Denny’s and proceeded to codify Calvin’s favorite party food for the benefit of the Reformed churches.
Maurice: I must have missed that Home Ec class at seminary.
Emmett: Seriously? You don’t remember the Five Points of Calvinism?
Maurice: Of course I remember the Five Points, Emmett. But what does TULIP have to do with party food?
Emmett: No, no, no. Not TULIP, silly. The other Five Points of Calvinism.
Maurice: The other Five Points?
Emmett: Yes, the lesser-known acronym: PIZZA.
Maurice: Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Emmett: I’m pretty sure it’s right there in the original Latin manuscript of the Canons of Dort somewhere. Granted, most people don’t know about it because Theodore Trochin, the butter-fingered delegate from Geneva, spilled orange juice on the manuscript while he was taking notes and eating his western omelette, so it’s hard to make out.
Maurice: All right, genius. So what does PIZZA stand for?
Emmett: Pepperoni, Irresistible Tomato Sauce, Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella, and of course, Antacids.
Maurice: “Zee Veggies, Zee Mozzarella”?
Emmett: Yeah, Calvin was French. That’s the way French people talk. You know, for example, “What iz zee matter with yoo, yoo stoopeed American?!”
Maurice: Heard that question a lot, have you?
Emmett: The point is, Caroline needs to stick with the Canons of Dort on this one. Of course, reformers have been known to modernize the terms throughout the years, so “Pepperoni” can be substituted with “Pick Your Own Meat” without really harming the Synod’s original acronym. However, I do believe R.C. Sproul went a little too far in his book, Grace Unknown, when he suggested that “Pineapple and Ham” was a viable alternative. That’s just wrong.
Maurice: Ah, yes, the famous Hawaiian Pizza Downgrade controversy.
Emmett: You mock me, Maurice, but pizza has always been an important fixture in the Reformation. According to some historians, John Knox was notorious for calling in pizza orders and having them delivered to unsuspecting Catholics as a prank. They say Mary Queen of Scots was none too pleased when a stack of deep-dish haggis pizzas showed up at her door and she was stuck with the bill.
Maurice: Haggis pizza? That’s disgusting. I think my stomach just rolled up into my mouth.
Emmett: That’s why we have the “A” in PIZZA, brother. Those boys in the Synod were geniuses when it came to fighting Arminians and acid reflux.
Maurice: I’ve got just one question for you, Emmett. In the immortal words of John Calvin: “What iz zee matter with yoo?”
Emmett: Could you repeat that in English?
Maurice: Come on! You’re making up all this stuff because your favorite food is pizza. This doesn’t have anything to do with Calvinism. You’re just hungry and it’s almost time for lunch.
Emmett: Well, you have to admit that pizza sounds really yummy right now.
Maurice: Well, sure, now that you mention it.
Emmett: You wanna order a Pick Your Own Meat: Sausage Pizza with Irresistible Sauce, Zee onions and green peppers. Zee cheese, and some Tropical Fruit Flavored Tums?
Maurice: All right, but can we skip the Antacids and replace the “A” with Anchovies?
Emmett: (Gasp) HERETIC!!
Tulip salad?
Don’t forget to invite Hobbes.
They are being far too obsessive.. If it is a bash for Calvin’s birthday, whatever you serve would be predestined to be what was supposed to be served.
hobbes, you going? ; )
Would it be improper to hijack your own thread?
I believe it is the height of decorum to hijack your own thread.
I’m sure it’s in Miss Manners someplace.
I’m in Florida at the moment and on my way in about an hour to the Busch Wildlife Sanctuary on the east coast near Jupiter. I’ll get back to the hijack later.
“Would it be improper to hijack your own thread?”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘
‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?’
‘You dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.
You need to conjugate your verbs in Indian-speak. The proper Native American linguistic punch line is:
It mean... someone stole TeePee.
“It mean... someone stole TeePee.”
If you had been a real Native American history buff you would have known that Indians did not drink tee. I may not have not visited a real Indian reservation but I did drive by one of their casinos (oes).
But they did Pee.
oooh! You said a potty word, you said a potty word. I’m telling.
LOL! Good stuff.
I drink coffee.
How about TP?
Where would we be without it? Or it’s larger cousin: PT.
French cuisine at a Calvin celebration: the only thing I’m sure of is “French Bread”
This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars the waitress said”. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free”!!!!! said the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill”!!!!!.
Gotta love it.
Calvinism, c.1620: Celebrating Christmas is evil.
Calvinism, c. 2008: It’s Calvin’s birthday!
It actually is pretty funny.
One would think these pedestinationists could similarly live without food.
If they did not eat, then they would be predestined to die of starvation.
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