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Evangelical scholars solve Book of Revelation's mysteries
Lark News ^ | July 2006

Posted on 04/01/2009 10:00:08 AM PDT by Alex Murphy

[EXCERPTED]

WHEATON — A broad coalition of evangelical theologians has cracked the code of the Book of Revelation, solving its mysteries, metaphors and messages in what is being called a watershed moment in Christian history.

"To get this kind of across-the-board agreement is phenomenal," said a spokesman. "Moments like this come along once in a millenium."

The key to understanding the book's puzzling enigmas and fundamental message was "hidden in plain sight," say the scholars. The book's purpose and message can be summed up for lay readers as


(Excerpt) Read more at larknews.com ...


TOPICS: Apologetics; Evangelical Christian; Humor
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 04/01/2009 10:00:08 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy

You’re having WAY too much fun today, Alex.


2 posted on 04/01/2009 10:02:46 AM PDT by colorcountry (A faith without truth is not true faith.)
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To: Alex Murphy
Phenomenal


3 posted on 04/01/2009 10:04:54 AM PDT by Godzilla (Galatians 4:16 So iz i ur enemi now becz i tellded u teh troof?)
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To: Alex Murphy

Link on Larknews to second page of article is broken.


4 posted on 04/01/2009 10:16:03 AM PDT by DallasDeb (USAFA '06 Mom)
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To: DallasDeb

Yep - vanished into thin air - either they didn’t really all agree or I was left behind!

Mel


5 posted on 04/01/2009 10:48:31 AM PDT by melsec (A Proud Aussie)
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To: Alex Murphy

WHEATON HIGH COMMISSION
Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.

Attention:

Wheaton High Commission in Nigeria, Benin Republic, Ghana and Burkinafaso received a report that a broad coalition of evangelical theologians has cracked the code of the Book of Revelation, solving its mysteries, metaphors and messages in what is being called a watershed moment in Christian history that may be of interest to you and other British/US citizens and Maylaysia, Etc. The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkinafaso and Ghana, at a meeting held with the Four countries’ Government and various countries’ high commission for hermeneutic activities carried out by the Four countries’ Citizens your name was among those listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU) as having a personal interest in avoiding the Great Tribulation Period (GTP) that was discovered when the code was broken.

A GTP Avoidance Pass (GAP) has been issued out by the Wheaton High Commission to all the interested parties and some have already been in distributed to 184 Beneficiaries, half of them from the United States, and we still have more 37 GAPs left and yours was among those that was reported undelivered as at on Friday and we wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Commission to make sure you receive your GAP immediately.

Your particulars were mentioned by one of the imposters who tried to steal your GAP therefore, you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to any one for any reason whatsoever as the U.S. secret service is already trying to trace other identity thieves. So keep this a secret till they are all apprehended. If you know of other potential interested GAP applicants they can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

The Wheaton High Commission further told us that the use of Nigeria and Ghana Couriers was abolished due to interception activities noticed in the above mentioned courier services in Benin, Nigeria and Ghana and thereby have made a concrete arrangement with the OX Courier Company for a safe delivery to your door-step once you meet the following demand of the conveyance:

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT OF THE COURIER EXPENSE OF THE GAP THROUGH OUR SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTER ASIA PACIFIC, THAT IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION FROM PRESIDENT OF THE WHEATON HIGH COMMISSION OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.

THIS CARD CENTER WILL SEND YOU AN ATM CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO PAY THE COURIER IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD, BUT THE MAXIMUM THAT MAY BE WITHDRAWN IS ONE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$1,500) PER DAY.

IN ORDER FOR US TO PROCESS THE ATM CARD PLEASE SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION AS LISTED BELOW IMMEDIATELY.

1. FULL NAME

2. FULL ADDRESS (P.O BOX NOT ACCEPTABLE)

3. YOUR DIRECT PRIVATE MOBILE NUMBER THAT CAN REACH YOU ALONE ONLY. (TELEPHONE NOT ACCEPTABLE)

4. YOUR AGE, SEX AND CURRENT OCCUPATION

5. ATTACH COPY OF YOUR PASSPORT OR WORKING ID FOR PROPER IDENTIFICATION.

6. ATTACH A COPY OF YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CARD AND THE LAST BANK STATEMENT.

MAKE SURE THAT YOU SEND AN ATTACHED COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION AND YOUR DIRECT PRIVATE MOBILE NUMBER WITH YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS TO ENABLE YOU SECURE YOUR ATM CARD AND ALSO FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTION AND DIRECTIVES GIVEN TO YOU BY THE NEW PRESIDENT OF THE WHEATON HIGH COMMISSION OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA ACCORDING TO THE RULE AND REGULATION BECAUSE ALL THE ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE.

We advise that you do the needful to make sure the Wheaton High Commission dispatches your GAP on Friday.

You are assured of the safety of your GAP and availability. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake prophets and televangelists who in collaboration may scam you. Get back to me immediately through my assistant Mr. Thomas Cook with your correct full details (full name, contact address and reachable telephone number) to check if the delivery date suits you.

We’re in Your Service,

Dr Patrick Azuza.


6 posted on 04/01/2009 11:19:49 AM PDT by enat
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To: Alex Murphy

I won’t be your April fool! :)


7 posted on 04/01/2009 1:09:48 PM PDT by RedDogzRule (God bless America...because God knows we need it, especially now...!)
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To: Alex Murphy

larknews.com is really a funny website ;)


8 posted on 04/01/2009 2:06:40 PM PDT by greyfoxx39 (Classy fashion icon Michelle O......always dressed to the 8s.......)
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To: greyfoxx39
larknews.com is really a funny website ;)

Try The Holy Observer....

9 posted on 04/01/2009 2:13:21 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (Presbyterians often forget that John Knox had been a Sunday bowler.)
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To: Alex Murphy; All

5 year old thread??? This news did not get out.

Revelation 3:7-13 indicates Protection for the church of Philadelphia. Perhaps Goes along and makes room for the rapture?? Being saved from the hour of temptation of the whole world?????

God knows ...


10 posted on 07/31/2014 8:49:12 AM PDT by geologist ("If you love me, keep my commands" .... John 14 :15)
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To: sauropod

.


11 posted on 03/13/2015 8:42:58 AM PDT by sauropod (Fat Bottomed Girl: "What difference, at this point, does it make?")
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