Wow. Is that serious or is it from a “Simpson’s” episode I missed?
Here's a sample. See if it doesn't resonate with your innermost parts.
THE FIRST BOOK OF LABAN
WRITTEN BY LABAN THE YOUNGER
HIS LIFE IN JERUSALEM
Laban the younger writes of his youth, his friendship with Nephi, son of Lehi, his loving relationship with his father, Laban. Lehi's family turns against Laban and Laban the younger. Lehi covets Laban's brass plates, orders his sons to murder Laban and steal the brass plates. Nephi is convicted. Laban the Younger and a Jerusalem detective pursues Nephi to bring him to justice, bring several Asian whores on the journey.
CHAPTER 1
Laban the younger begins writing upon gold plates in a secret language called reformed Asian. Nephi and Laban the Younger are childhood friends. Laban the younger plays at Nephi’s house. Lehi goes crazy, begins preaching in the streets. The people make fun of him, children mock him and conspire against him. Laban the younger defeats the wicked children with his sling, and saves Lehi. [About 600 B.C.]
1. And it came to pass that I, Laban the Younger, was named after the manner of my father, who was named Laban. And I shall commence writing an account of my life upon these plates, yea, even plates of gold. And the record I shall make shall be a true record. And I maketh my record in the language of my companions, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Asians. And I shall call this language reformed Asian.
2. And it came to pass that my father, being a good man, had in his possession certain brass plates, like unto these gold plates upon which this record is written, except it be that my father’s record was on brass, not gold. And these brass plates did have written upon them the record of the Jews, even like unto a Bible.
3. And it came to pass that my best friend was named Nephi. And much happiness and joy did exist in Nephi’s home during my younger years, for I visited Nephi much and we experienced much light mindedness and loud laughter playing games in his home. And Nephi had amongst him many brothers, yea even brothers named Laman, Lemuel, and Sam.
4. And the father of Nephi was named Lehi and his mother was named Sariah, and Nephi doth think his parents to be goodly. Now Lehi, being a visionary man, experienced amongst himself many strange and amusing dreams and nightmares. Wherefore, he felt it must needs be that he should share his dreams and nightmares with the neighborhood as if they be real, and he doth pretend his dreams to be messages from god.
5. Now it came to pass that when Lehi spake his dreams and nightmares to his neighbors, his home was no longer a happy home, for Lehi angered his neighbors and he also did cause his children to become exceedingly frightened of him, save it be for Nephi and Sam who still thinkest their dad to be goodly.
6. And it came to pass that one day Lehi spake unto me, saying: Laban, ye must repent or ye shall be utterly destroyed, for it must needs be that God shall destroy Jerusalem and all who inhabit it who repent not.
7. And this did cause me much confusion, for I think I doth do nothing bad. And I spake unto Lehi that I did nothing wrong insomuch as he should be concerned, and wherefore had nothing to repent of.
8. But Lehi spake unto me saying he can see into my heart and knowest that I lie and commit many transgressions, and God shall surely strike me down unless I repent. And Lehi spake unto me that I shall be forgiven of mine iniquities only if I deliver unto him my father’s brass plates, but if I deliver not my father’s brass plates to Lehi, wo be unto me, for I shall be utterly destroyed by the lord. And when I did hear the words of Lehi's mouth, and beheld he had a crazy look in his eye, yea, I became exceedingly scared. Wherefore, I did turn away from Lehi and run home with exceeding haste.
9. And I, Laban the younger, spake unto my father the things which Lehi sayest unto me. And these things did cause exceeding anger unto my father. And he gave unto me a commandment telling me to stay away from Lehi’s home.
10. And it came to pass that Lehi became exceedingly more zealous in his religion, yea, even did he stand in the streets of Jerusalem and preach unto the people. And he would tellest his dreams to all who could hear him. And thus sayeth Lehi unto those who passeth by: Verily I say, repent for Jerusalem shall be utterly destroyed.
11. And it came to pass that the people did throw fruit at Lehi, and the children felt it needs be to laugh at him and call names unto him, yea, even calling him crazy street preacher man, and the children did make funny faces at Lehi, and they did mock him exceedingly, even with exceeding mockingness.
12. And it came to pass that these things did maketh Lehi to be exceedingly angry, wherefore, he denounced his persecutors saying: Wo be unto ye who doth seek to persecute me, for the Lord shall destroy Jerusalem and strikest ye down if ye repent not. And if ye shall ignore my warnings, yea, I shall watch thy destruction and laugh.
13. And it came to pass that Lehi had upon his face a beard of much whiteness, yea even as white as the driven snow. And yea, he shaveth not his beard for many months. Wherefore, his white beard was long and he did appear like unto a wizard.
14. And the children beheld Lehi, and did point at him, and mock him saying: Go up, thou white beard; go up, thou white beard.
15. And Lehi looketh upon the children with exceeding anger in his eyes, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she dogs from the neighborhood who did bark at the children, and did threaten them, and nip at their ankles.
16. And the children did laugh at the dogs, and point at them, and mock them exceedingly, for they were but small poodles, yea, even like unto cats. And the children kicked the dogs with their feet, and the dogs fled from the children, and did weep and wail, and they did hide under a bush. And when Lehi beheld that his dog curse had no effect on the wicked children, yea, it was that he was sore afraid, for the children did pickest up rocks from the ground and throw the rocks at Lehi. And when Lehi beheld the children throwing rocks at him, yea, he did scream in terror, and run away from the children as fast as he could, and he fled to his home, and locked the doors, and hid behind his couch.
17. And it came to pass that the children beheld where Lehi ran, and therefore they beheld where he dwelt. And the children went home and gathereth up amongst them many eggs. And after the manner in which they gathereth eggs, yea, the children did return to in front of Lehi’s house and commenced throwing the eggs, and the eggs did make a mess on the house, and Sariah spake unto her husband: Lehi, goest out and chastise those little children, for they throwest eggs at our house.
18. But Lehi was sore afraid of the children, for they threw rocks at him.
19. And it came to pass that I beheld the children throwing eggs at Lehi’s house, and I did think of my friend Nephi, and I determined that it must needs be that I should help his family
20. And I beheld the children gathering up dog waste, yea, not the yellow liquid type, but the other kind, yea, even brown dung. And the children placed the brown dog dung in a paper bag. And they deviseth a plan, yea, even an evil and cunning plan to trick Lehi and make a mockery of him. Yea, the children conspired amongst themselves to set fire unto the bag filled with dog dung, and then shall they place the bag on Lehi’s front porch. And inasmuch as the bag shall burn on Lehi’s porch, the children shall knock on Lehi’s door, and after knocking on Lehi’s door, yea, the children shall run and hide themselves amongst the bushes.
21. And when Lehi doth answer the door and doth see the burning bag, yea, he shall desire to put out the fire, even with his foot, and therefore he shall stomp on the bag with his feet, yea, even with all his might, thus getting the brown dog dung on his feet, and the children shall laugh. And this shall complete phase one of the conspiracy, after which the wicked children shall commence phase two in which, as Lehi stompeth the bag with his feet, yea, another wicked child shall knock on the back door. And after the child doth knock on the back door, yea, Lehi shall walk through the house to answer the back door, and by doing so he shall track the brown dog dung through Sariah’s clean house, and Sariah shall curse at him, yea, even a sore cursing.
22. And it came to pass that the plan was perfect but for one thing, the evil ones knoweth not that I heard their plan and was desirous to stop it. And I did taketh out my sling, and I spake out to the wicked children, saying: Whosoever amongst ye is thy leader?
23. And the tall one amongst them spake, and sayest unto me: Behold, I am he.
24. And it came to pass that I did reach to the ground and picketh up a stone and slang it, and the stone did strike the leader betwixt the legs, yeah even did it strike his precious jewels, yea, even the jewels that doth hold his precious seed.
25. And when the stone did strike the leader in his jewel sack, yea, he did fall to the ground, and grasp his jewels, and cry out in exceeding pain, and tremble in fear of me and my sling. And the leader of the wicked children did lie on the ground, for he was defeated, and in exceedingly great pain, and wherefore he began to weep.
26. And when the other children beheld that their champion was defeated, and that he was crying like unto a little girl, yea, they fled and Lehi’s family was spared.
27. And now the words which I have said unto thee thus far, and written upon these gold plates, must confound thee, for I did proofread the plates and do see that my narrative lacks character development. Nevertheless, the words I write are true.
28. Now it behooves me to flash back in time to explain the early parts of this story so that ye might understand it better.
29. Wherefore, the plot and characters of which I write must cause unto thee much confusion. But yea, forgive me, for rare are the gold plates and writing upon them is exceedingly difficult and time consuming, for reformed Asian is not a compact language and doth require much space, for it is even less compact than writing in regular language. Wherefore, I did suppose that it must needs be that I should skip the character development, but now I do realize that to be an exceedingly bad plan, for character development is crucial.
30. And it shall come to pass that I shall endeavor to makest unto me more gold plates, yea even enough so as to flashback in time, and tell the back-story of these characters and develop them more.
31. And thus I close this, the first chapter of my record, so as I may pound and flatten more gold plates, soeth I may write the prequel to this chapter.
After reading the Book of Zelph I can guarantee that your life will never be the same.
Can you guess which one?