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I think it's like this. When I forgive someone, it's not my feelings. It's my WILL fighting, often, against my feelings. I FEEL hurt and angry and self-pitying. I KNOW that IHS wants to set me free from that monkey-bidnis. I step into that freedom against my feelings.

Somedays (not too often right now, I think God is setting me up for a trial) it's all dark and mechanical and all I have to offer God in response to his amazing love is grudging obedience. (Did I mention I'm a sinner? I'm a sinner.) But I figure that the feeling will follow the choice after a while. I once heard an Indian girl say her marriage was arranged, but the love came. Sometimes I'm all about the leeks and garlic and fleshpots. So God mercifully hauls my sorry butt out into the desert.

He gives me mannah. I complain it's coming out of my nose. So He smacks me upside the haid. Like an emotionally disturbed child, I am angry at my Father, but relying on Him to win in any conflict, and He has never let me down, for which I praise His holy name and even at the grave I make my song (which I will not make right now because it's Lent and I enjoy not saying the A-word during Lent.)

Forgiving others isn't an act of will for me. I know what you mean & all, but it's like I don't have a way to plug hurt or anger into my long term receptors. I'd have to work to remember to feel hurt or anger & that seems like a useless waste of energy.

I'm a sinner too! Thank goodness God is forgiving & loves me despite myself. I stopped fighting against Him years ago & in return, I've found a quiet simple joy.

Meanwhile, I wait & try not to become too impatient.