adjective / to have married an exceptional looking woman like Sophia Loren
Carlo Ponti
"man, that cat is pontificate !"
Posted on 03/02/2007 11:04:03 AM PST by xzins
Global Warming, as we think we know it, doesn't exist. And I am not the only one trying to make people open up their eyes and see the truth. But few listen, despite the fact that I was one of the first Canadian Ph.Ds. in Climatology and I have an extensive background in climatology, especially the reconstruction of past climates and the impact of climate change on human history and the human condition. Go to link for remainder of article: http://www.canadafreepress.com/2007/global-warming020507.htm
Johann "Algore" Tetzel came to town selling eco-indulgence, carbon credits. (When a coin in the carbon pot rings, out of global warmin hell a soul does spring.)
How many carbon credits does it take to get out of global warming purgatory? (Will a snowball really have a chance in global warming hell? An iceberg? A glacier? My Kenmore IceMaker?)
Who is the modern Martin Luther of the truth that the earth has gone through many cycles or warming and cooling? (How do we make that funny?)
How many theses does it take to screw up an eco-wacko?
Where is our modern day Wittenburg door?
(Excerpt) Read more at canadafreepress.com ...
adjective / to have married an exceptional looking woman like Sophia Loren
Carlo Ponti
"man, that cat is pontificate !"
A proof is a proof.
And when you have a proof it's because it has been proven.
And I expect you're trying to prove it by me?
What a leap!
You are a dear heart treasure but don't let fanfan know.
OOOOPs.
LOL!
Hugs Quix, and Hugs also to all the neener caucus members who don't belong to any kind of a group.
:-D
Thx. & Amen.
Did quix say "list?"
I imagine the Lord Protector will fine you or require a joke be posted.
In the meantime:
WENDY FLATUS
"My husband has been producing copious amounts of 'greenhouse gases' for years, but the temperature in the house has not changed."
ROYCE BENTLEY
"The supposedly big problem with melting ice is a myth—the ice bucket in the limo is full, just like always."
NICK ABADDON
"Things don't seem any hotter than normal here in hell."
You have committed the cardinal sin of Neenerdom. You have mentioned the word "list" amongst the listless.
You must absolve yourself. You must post a psychologist/lawyer/preacher joke about the environment. If you can find one of those you will be absolved, even if it is not funny. OTOH, if you just post a psychologist joke that is funny, then well let you off the hook.
{!} N3
Lord Protector of the Fraternal Order of the Knights of the Eternal Time Table and Grand Advocate for the High Council of the Order of the Eternal Exclamation Point without Asterisk and the Knights who say Neener Neener Neener.
Husband's note on refrigerator for his wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
The the doctor comes in later and the patient says, "I'm puzzled doc. I can understand the rubber glove and the vaseline, but what's with the beer?"
The doctor looks a little irritated and then turns around and yells down the hall, "Nurse! I said a butt light"
Now that's a harsh penalty, LHP! I've been looking for one of those all day, and have yet to find one.
Far harsher than drawing and quartering. I must confess, though, that the drawing and quartering scene in Braveheart was a crowd pleaser.
Just a something you might want to note for future reference.
At least I didn't disembowel him first.
BTW I am a direct descendant of Edward I (Longshanks).
Believe it or not, the Crawfords ... of which clan my wife is one, so are my sons, of course.... are descendants of William Wallace.
See, we have something in common.
You ancestors gutted my wife's.
I love it when brethren dwell together in unity. Don't you?
:>)
*
It's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it. (SW)
Woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
What happens when the smog clears up in California?
UCLA
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry." (SW)
There's the classic . . . [since I don't recall jokes too well]
A neurotic is one who builds dream castles in the air.
The psychotic moves in.
The psychologist collects the rent.
= = = =
another old one . . .
A proctologist and a psychologist decided to go into business together. So they wondered what to call their establishment.
One suggested REARS AND QUEERS. No, that wouldn't do. Not very dignified.
How about NUTS AND BUTTS. No, still not dignified.
They settled on ODDS AND ENDS.
= = = =
Location: Clean Jokes > Crazy Jokes > Emotional extremes
Mailing List
Enter your E-MAIL address BELOW for FREE daily JOKES by E-MAIL!
Laugh Links
- Funny Jokes
- Funny Cartoons
- Random Jokes
- Fun Pages
- Funny Videos
- Funny Audio
- Fun Downloads
- Funny Links
> Featured Today
- What's new?
- Joke of the Day
- Funny Pic of Day
> Other Options
- Contact us
- Link to us
- Submit a Joke
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
from:
http://www.ahajokes.com/p006.html
= = =
the following from:
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm
An old one with a few new twists:
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
same link:
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
- - - -
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
- - - -
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
- - - -
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
- - - -
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!
- - - -
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
- - - -
from:
http://users.erols.com/geary/psychology/clinical.htm
There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?
The first patient says, "139."
The second one says, "Wednesday."
The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."
The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.
"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."
- - -
Stress Management
From Mental Health Net
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
he water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
- - - -
Same link:
Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out
by Storm A. King, 08/28/96
You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.
You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight." and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age."
And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out....
You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.
- - -
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.