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[SATIRE] Mega-church downsizes, [SATIRE] cuts non-essential members [SATIRE]
Lark News.com ^ | September 2006

Posted on 09/01/2006 8:04:47 AM PDT by Alex Murphy

WINSTON-SALEM — Julie and Bob Clark were stunned to receive a letter from their church in July asking them to "participate in the life of the church" — or worship elsewhere.

"They basically called us freeloaders," says Julie.

"We were freeloaders," says Bob.

In a trend that may signal rough times for wallflower Christians, bellwether mega-church Faith Community of Winston-Salem has asked "non-participating members" to stop attending.

"No more Mr. Nice Church," says the executive pastor, newly hired from Cingular Wireless. "Bigger is not always better. Providing free services indefinitely to complacent Christians is not our mission."

"Freeloading" Christians were straining the church's nursery and facility resources and harming the church's ability to reach the lost, says the pastor.

"When your bottom line is saving souls, you get impatient with people who interfere with that goal," he says.

Faith Community sent polite but firm letters to families who attend church services and "freebie events" but never volunteer, never tithe and do not belong to a small group or other ministry. The church estimates that of its 8,000 regular attendees, only half have volunteered in the past 3 years, and a third have never given to the church.

"Before now, we made people feel comfortable and welcome, and tried to coax them to give a little something in return," says a staff member. "That's changed. We're done being the community nanny."

Surprisingly, the move to dis-invite people has drawn positive response from men in the community who like the idea of an in-your-face church.

"I thought, 'A church that doesn't allow wussies — that rocks,'" says Bob Clark, who admires the church more since they told him to get lost.

He and Julie are now tithing and volunteering. "We've taken our place in church life," he says.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: megachurch
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THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiastes 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?"

Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision".

Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming".

But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us.

As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.


1 posted on 09/01/2006 8:04:48 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: All
THIS IS A HAIR PLUG


Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!


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So what are YOU waiting for? Join The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club TODAY! FReepmail me for details!

PTL=Pardon The Laughing
HAIR=Hilariously Ablutionary Irreverent Reading

2 posted on 09/01/2006 8:05:57 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: Xenalyte; Gamecock; AxelPaulsenJr; Calm_Cool_and_Elected; ksen; Zechariah_8_13; Thinkin' Gal; ...

PTL Ping list and HAIR club PING!


3 posted on 09/01/2006 8:06:56 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: Alex Murphy
about the article
4 posted on 09/01/2006 8:25:11 AM PDT by kimmie7 (Liberals embrace the sin......Christians embrace the sinner.)
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To: Alex Murphy
ROFLOL! It is even funnier because it is so close to the truth! Good thing they didn't email the letters like Radio Shack did this week when they had a lay-off....

CC&E

5 posted on 09/01/2006 8:26:17 AM PDT by Calm_Cool_and_Elected (Coming soon: A great new tag line!)
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To: SeraphimApprentice; Interesting Times; zot

Non-mega church ping


6 posted on 09/01/2006 9:29:55 AM PDT by GreyFriar ( (3rd Armored Division - Spearhead))
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To: Alex Murphy

They (RCC) tried to downsize a few plants in Boston, and everyone got all mad and everything...


7 posted on 09/01/2006 11:47:11 AM PDT by dangus
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To: GreyFriar

This satire has a grain of truth in it. Freeloaders are in fact a problem in many if not most churches.


8 posted on 09/01/2006 1:36:37 PM PDT by zot (GWB -- the most slandered man of this decade)
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To: zot

As satire, this is obviously in the extreme, but I had an experience at our church very similar to this just this last Sunday.


9 posted on 09/02/2006 3:31:57 AM PDT by norge
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To: norge

I'm not sure what you mean. Were you to told to participate in the life of the church or worship elsewhere?


10 posted on 09/02/2006 5:01:28 PM PDT by zot (GWB -- the most slandered man of this decade)
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To: zot

The short version of the story was a little less direct, but it was, "get involved in something...greeter, music, children's programs, small groups, anything. No threat to send the parishoner to another church, but still it was an admonishment.

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with encouraging members to participate, and it's part of a healthy church.

But in this instance there were other issues relative to the "mega-church" thing which were intertwined with the little spanking that was delivered.


11 posted on 09/02/2006 9:13:13 PM PDT by norge
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To: Alex Murphy

What do you mean by Satire?


12 posted on 09/02/2006 9:18:34 PM PDT by ThomasThomas (I did use spell check!)
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To: Alex Murphy

Our megachurch is having merger talks with a megachurch across town, but that may mean closing down one of the amusement parks. Also, we have to vote on whether we will be pre- or post-tribulationists. We may settle on mid-tribulationism, but will have to get all new videos for the bookstore. And we're certain to lay off some parishoners, but some of that goal can be met by attrition.


13 posted on 09/02/2006 9:22:55 PM PDT by Larry Lucido ("There's no problem so big that government intervention can't make it worse.")
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To: norge

Hmm ... the leaders of our congregation offer a specific invitation, rather than a general admonishment. It seems to work better that way, but we still have some members who don't get involved in the life or the work of the church.


14 posted on 09/02/2006 9:34:39 PM PDT by zot (GWB -- the most slandered man of this decade)
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To: Larry Lucido
Now, that's satire.
15 posted on 09/03/2006 1:33:31 AM PDT by norge
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To: zot
This admonishment had some backgroud to it, which I won't bore you with, so it was a little harsher than simple encouragement to get involved.

But your point is well taken, and on this I agree, there are too many in any church who don't participate (it is assumed that only 15% get involved).

16 posted on 09/03/2006 1:37:43 AM PDT by norge
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To: Alex Murphy

But would a Christian find this funny? You tell me.... I though it was, but I not a Christian...should I feel guilty?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsccgEjLqMc&NR


17 posted on 09/03/2006 1:38:28 AM PDT by stands2reason (ANAGRAM for the day: Socialist twaddle == Tact is disallowed)
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To: stands2reason

No, I not a Christian, apparently because I from the stone age.... :-p


18 posted on 09/03/2006 1:40:53 AM PDT by stands2reason (ANAGRAM for the day: Socialist twaddle == Tact is disallowed)
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To: Larry Lucido; Religion Moderator
And we're certain to lay off some parishoners, but some of that goal can be met by attrition.

Discuss the issues all you want, but do NOT make it personnel!

19 posted on 09/03/2006 3:38:18 AM PDT by Nihil Obstat
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To: Nihil Obstat
do NOT make it personnel!

Groan!

But I beg to differ. It all personnel. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

20 posted on 09/03/2006 3:51:57 AM PDT by Larry Lucido ("There's no problem so big that government intervention can't make it worse.")
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